Should he try to be a family ?

[splitconfused]

Just wanted some advice because I feel very confused about what is happening and what I think should happen.

Some history is that I have a DS 8 and a DD 5 spilt with there dad at the beginning of the year, after we had grown apart. He now has another partner and sees the kids often all happy on that front as can be expected.

I have met back up with an old boyfriend, namely my first boyfriend from school. This is were I become confused. He told me that his ?ex? girlfriend of that time was pregnant. Granted they lived in separate houses, it didn?t appear that they saw each other at all. He told me that the baby was due in May and though he would stand by the baby (and rightly so) he still wasn?t going to be with the mother. He said that was something that they had agreed upon.

Fast forward to baby arriving. He never told me that his daughter had been born until a week later. In fact his daughter was born in the day time and he came to with me to a party on the night time. I must stress at this point I didn?t know that she had been born because under no circumstances would I have found this acceptable at all.

Further to this it turns out that he had totally the wrong end of the stick in that his ?ex? girlfriend thought that they were going to make a go of it.

His daughter is now 3 months old. He has contact with his daughter everyday, has her over night as much as allowed. If his ?ex? girlfriend needs anything then he?ll sort it. Go to his ex girlfriends mums house to see his daughter after work if they are there etc etc.

I really do agree with everything that he is doing don?t get me wrong. Though I just think that he needs to take time out away from me and try to make it work with him and his ex girlfriend. I think that as he hasn?t given it a try, even a little try it will be a massive regret somewhere in the future, he will miss out on so much.

He says that he doesn?t have anything in common with his ?ex? girlfriend and loves me. He wants to be happy and have his daughter and that wouldn?t happen if he was with his ex girlfriend. Though I think that people can (not always) grow closer together once they have children.

I think that he does love me he texts, emails I get presents. He made my birthday very special and put a lot of thought into it. He gets on with my children really really well. Though I haven?t met his daughter because I don?t find it fair on the mother at this point.

Even though I really do love him back, to the extent that it hurts sometimes. I feel that if we hadn?t met back up then he would have given it a try, in fact our early conversations he even confirmed this.

I know I can?t make him do anything but I can?t sit comfortable knowing that he hasn?t given it a try to be a family. I think I should just say lets take a month out and find out what you really want. Otherwise I will be wondering what if ?

I have prob. Answered my own question but what are your thoughts.

Ps sorry for the long post.

wow I don't know.

He is with you and he has been for half a year, he says he wants to be with you and you love him

But you want him to try being with his ex and the baby as a family

I don't know, really don't know. If he doesn't ahve the feelings for her but he does for you, how can he go and live iwth her and try it?

why did the ex think they were going to make a go of it when they were living apart, not seeing each other and she was pregnant on her own?

Hmmm. I'm not convinced that you're getting the full story here. And not telling you that his DD had been born for a full week is bloody weird. He is hardly a straight up, honest kind of chap, is he? Sorry, but this sounds dodgy to me.

I know about the ex thinking that they were going to make a go of it weird exactly. Though I also know that they had lived together and then both bought there own place.

It was an agreement that when his daughter was born he would go and stay at hers ? ?

I went mad when I realised his daughter was born at about 4.00pm possibly later and he was at a party with me by 9.00pm. He said he knows it was wrong not to tell me but I wouldn't have wanted him to come to see me and I insisted that when she was born he should spend sometime with mum and baby cause I know how stressful/emotional it is having a baby and dad not there.

Just really confused. I've met his mum, dad friends aunties and uncles and everyone in between and they have all said the same thing that they weren't meant to be together. But when his ex girlfriend found out she was pregnant they agreed to be a family as far as I can gather until we met up when I started going out with friends again.

He says that his ex girlfriend and him had a talk and that she said "he was like a pair of comfy slippers, she knows that he is there and thats nice, but its just nice"? I think he took this as confirmation she understood he wasn't going to live with her.. but it appears he totally got the wrong end of the stick.

I think i'm questionning it all cause it has been coming up to half a year seeing each other so things becoming a little serious.

The only thing i have doubts upon is that it appears that I am the cause of them not giving it a go? So I suppose that i feel he might have regrets somewhere?

Rambling I know sorry x

It's a bit of a strange set-up. So they bought seperate homes and he was to move in with her after the baby was born to be a family or just to help out for a bit. There's nothing really wrong with it but it is an unusual idea and seems all a bit vague and not thought out to me.

Do you want him? Long term, can you see it working with you and him?

I think they bought seperate house when they spilt up for a period of time, not too sure how long. They got back togther as he said they were in the same circles of friends etc etc. By this time they both had seperate houses, his ex fell pregnant cause she changed her contraception.

They then decided to make a go of it and then I come along...

Do want him and it is really nice when were together. I have never been more comfortable with anyone before.

Though the niggling thought in the back of my head is that before me he was gonna give it ago, no matter that they didn't get along "apparantly" but then it was all off.

Don't want to get further down the line for him to realise he should have given it a try. In my head, he hasn't taken any time out, well any time away from me (we see each other whenever he hasn't got little one. And have spent every weekend together since March) to even think about giving it a go.

I feel perfectly fine until I start thinking aabout it all and then feel sick and think I can't cope with it all. And I really don't know what I can't cope with ! Making a moutain out of a mole hill comes to mind but I can't help that I think he should have given it a go, regardless of my feelings for him.

I think it has to be clear cut somehow one way or the other otherwise no one knows where they are and get on with life.

She doesn't want to make a go of things with him, she wants support bringing up the family. since neither of them had a new partner she thought he'd move in and help. Bit unuusal but so what? Ok things have changed and he has you now. So she still needs support and help but does she need him moving in?

He doesn't want to make a go of things with her. He wants to be with you. His family say it wasn't going to work with them

So really, I don't know why you think he has to move in and try it? Unless maybe you don't really want him after all?

What does the mother want?

I mean she thought he was like a cosy pair of slippers, comfy nice to have around but that's it and she wanted that cosy feeling of him being around in the house with her and the baby - but no relationship as such between the two of them - or yes, with the full on relationship thing going on too?

Don't think that they had a relationship as such apart from the sex. Even though they shared the same friends, his friends tell me that they never went out together because they would sit in silence. If they went out it was a group of them.

I don't know what she thought was going to happen when baby came, I know she thought he was going to go there. They did agree that somewhere along the line and then he decided that wasn't what he wanted.

I know I sound stupid don't I about him trying things as a family. I just feel i'm coming really attached to the whole thing and want to make sure he knows esentially that someone else will be mainly bring up his daughter in the long run even if he has as much contact as he does now it will never be same as living with his daughter. In my head that is something massive to give up as I can't give him children.

Crazy I know. I have basically left all that side to him and his ex girlfriend. I feel that I have a right know what was decided, went on or what the current arrangement are. We don't talk about any of that even though he is with my kids quite alot. It sounds werid when I write it down.

I don't have anything to do with the most important part of his life but he is involved in mine ummmmmm. I don't think that its because he doesn't want me too its out of respect to his ex girlfriend I suppose.

Thanks for listening.

I don't think you sound at all stupid but I think you needhim to tell you what is going on and what the plan is in regard to the ex and his dd. You need to know where you stand in all this really and to not talk to you about it out of respect for his ex in a way doesn't make that much sense to me. It isn't disrepectful to try and be clear to someone you are in a relationship with what your relationship to your ex is exactly.

Maybe it is all a bit much too fast.

Opps thats meant to say Crazy I know. I have basically left all that side to him and his ex girlfriend. I feel that I don't have a right know what was decided, went on or what the current arrangement are. We don't talk about any of that even though he is with my kids quite alot. It sounds werid when I write it down.

it doesn't matter really if other people think it is crazy,weird or whatever else but it has to feel right for you and I am not sure if you don't feel you can bring it up with him, it is the right thing for you the way things stand.

I think you can ask him to tell you about the situation and what is going on without that being OTT intrusive. It's a reasonable thing to want to know about in your situation. Are you sure you couldn't broach it?

Think I agree too much too fast. I thought that my family was complete, until everything was brought to a head with my ex.

He has stayed over at mine and had phone calls at 3 and 4 in the morning for him to come round and feed baby because she is too tired to do so. Though that isn't a complaint because I have been in that situation. Its just a bit un nerving really x

I know that his ex girlfriend is not happy about me having anything to do with baby, and i understand that. Daughter is his and hers only first child and that is huge. I don't want to upset her by asking questions in something that doesn't concern me.

To be honest don't think i could cope with broaching it really. Everytime I think about it i feel sick and just see myself as someone who has ruined a little girls life by not having mum and dad around or not giving them an opportunity to try it. Cause I know they would have tried it if i hadn't been there.

Oh my god that is scarey even writing it.. its just kinda come out

Don't want a pat on the back cause I know I should off said hang on before this. But never made him do anything cause we had never talked about it really.

I am not saying there is only one way of having a family and everything has to be traditional etc but I feel this is not good for you.

Look there you are with a man you dare not talk to about what is going on with him, his ex, his dd. You could not talk about it before the baby was born and you cannot talk about it now. so you are together, you are intimate and at 3am the phone rings and ex asks him to come over and feed the baby and he goes.

I's really not that I am all that staid about it but I feel you don't seem to count for much in all this. Maybe it is because it is all new and nothing seems clear and settled yet but I don't know when I read these posts you seem not to take up much space in them IYSWIM, can't express it well I know

if they were living apart and planning on him moving in with her only after the baby was born, I find you have not broken up a relationship that was going to work. Seems to me anyhow.

But what do you have? Not a very strong relationship is it when you cannot talk to him about something pretty pivotal like this?Could you face stepping back from him a bit and getting some space and clearing your mind a bit on the whole thing?

Have to admit I don't really expect alot of him. Cause he had very much a single life before baby was born,- to the extent of going to thailand with the lads when ex girfriend was 7/8 months pregnant.
I don't want to put on him with two kids.

We have taken the kids away camping for the weekend and when I think about it I think that he should be with his daughter rather playing with mine ? So here he is with me and two kids who adored him and his ex girlfriend it at home with a baby who demands her attention at all time ??

I still keep it all at arms length really.

He wouldn't be mad at me for talking to him, he said when I am ready to talk about it so will he.

Have to admit it really scares me that he has a baby all together. I think its me who has a problem and I by keeping the baby thing at arms length means it will go away

I think he needs to decide if he is a nonresident dad or shared care dad with an exgirlfriend who is in a relationship with you, or if he is in a relationship with his ex.
If the former then he should be setting up formal access agreements and financial agreements with his ex and not popping round her house in the middle of the night to feed the baby.
If the latter then he should give things a go with his ex if he and his ex want to and stop being in your life for a while.
Was the baby planned? If not then it sounds as though the relationship with his ex had probably finished before she found out she was pregnant, and he has just had to go along with the being a dad thing because she didn't want a termination. It doesn't sound like he was properly in a relationship with this woman when he met you, more trying to do the decent thing by his kid.
If i had split up with my boyfriend before giving birth I would not want him there at the birth or visiting me in hospital, so I don't really understand your issues about him partying whilst his ex gave birth. He was definitely your boyfriend , not hers at that time by the sound of things.

No baby wasn't planned at all, but they both decided to keep it and make a go of it.

It started as making a go of it and selling one of the houses and moving in with him to then (i don't know how) deciding that selling wasn't a good idea and him moving in with her once the baby was born and keeping his house also. To him deciding he wasn't going to do that either.

I'm prob am making a mountain out of a mole hill here. But for some reason can't get rid of the sick feeling I have about it all x

He is really nice and makes an effort all the time.