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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

what would you think of this?

10 replies

booyhoo · 03/08/2010 00:04

i posted last week about exP ending our relationship. we had been having problems for a while and we knew it was on the cards but had decided to wait until at least this weekend coming (when he would be home- he is forces)so we could talk things through properly, but he phoned last monday and said he couldn't carry on, he wanted to end it.

so, i heard nothing form him (except a drunken phonecall early hours of saturday morning which i didn't answer and he didn't remember making) until today when he phones and behaves as if he isn't really sure if we have separated. asking me "are we together now or not?" when it was he who ended it last week and was adamant that it was what he wanted. so i told him yes that as far as i was concerned we were finished but i am determined to keep things amicable for the boys so we continued chatting and he told me about his weekend. he was away on a stag do that involved lapdancing clubs and alot of alcohol. he says he cant really remember all that went on as he was so drunk. anyway conversation ends and tehn later i get texts from him saying he really loves me and doesn't know why were are separated and wants to make things work. then later on FB chat thing, he is asking if he can stay here when he comes home at the weekend. i said yes but i mean on the sofa.

what would you make of all that?

OP posts:
booyhoo · 03/08/2010 00:15

bump?

OP posts:
Lynli · 03/08/2010 00:23

Officially you were not together when he went on the stag weekend. So when you find out the full extent of his behaviour he has a get out of jail free card.

I think he wanted to be free to do as he pleases, maybe it wasn't as much fun as he thought it would be.

MrsRhettButler · 03/08/2010 00:28

my first thoughts are that if he was calling you in the early hours then he was thinking of you and not the lapdancers....

booyhoo · 03/08/2010 00:29

that's what I'm thinking. i could be being very cynical but in my head he has planned this and knew that he could just get back with me afterwards. it had entered my head a few days after he ended everything becaus ei knew he was going out for the stag do but i thought, no, he wouldn't do that, he was so serious about everything being over and nothing would change his mind, but when he phoned today (the day after the stag do ended) and sent those messages it just seemed like such a sudden turn around in attitude, but without explanation.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 03/08/2010 00:31

the lapdancers were on sat night, the friday night was just drinks in one of his friends' houses.

OP posts:
Poshwellies · 03/08/2010 01:11

I'd tell him to call/text /chat when he wasn't pissed or hungover.

Dh is ex forces and I had to suffer though alot of pissed up foreign calls at 2/3/4am from Thailand etc.

Next time he calls,tell him to call you sober and before 6 pm UK time,you want clear answers,ask him when he's sober.

EekaSqueaka · 03/08/2010 09:15

I think Lynli's right. It sounds as though he was hedging his bets. If that is the case, he's just treated you like a disposable object.

If you don't want to continue the relationship, maybe letting him stay (even with the intention of him staying on the sofa) isn't such a good idea? Why let him use your home as a hostel? Why put yourself through such close contact if it's over?

Don't let him treat you like this, you deserve so much more respect!

booyhoo · 03/08/2010 11:04

poshwellies i used to get it all the time til i lost the rag with him once and told him it was never to happen again. this is the first time in over a year that it has happened and he knows now that i am really angry about it (he woke ds2 who was sick and stayed awake for 3 hours).

eekasqueaka i am thinking i should tell him he can't stay. it seems to have given him a mixed message. i think i need to lay down the boundaries so he knows he cant pick me up and set me down at will. since he ended it i had settled myself with the idea that we weren't together. we have been having problems so i have felt like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders now. i am feeling better about it now so i don't want to resume the relationship. and i definitely don't want to be someone's on tap shag.

OP posts:
MostlyLurking · 03/08/2010 11:21

Agree with those that say don't let him stay at yours. Set very firm boundaries at the outset.

AnyFucker · 03/08/2010 11:22

boo, it sounds like he should stay elsewhere

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