Is selfishness a good enough reason to divorce?

[AlisonDubois]

Have come to the conclusion that DH is just too selfish to be a good parent or an equal partner in our marriage.
Is selfishness a marriage breaker?

yep

marriage is a partnership - give and take; if you can't give AND take, there ain't much point in it

When you reach a conclusion I shall be watching with interest.
Selfish arse in this house too. Not all the time, but just enough to really piss me off.

Does your DH agree he is selfish or have you had enough of it all?

Dh does def not think he is selfish...too bloody selfish to see this!
You also have one of these ronshar? Good fun isn't it!

Worst thing is, it's not just about one particular area of marriage/family life...it's all areas, everytning. As long as his life is going his way, then fuck everybody else. Selfish beyond compare.just want out. But how do you explain to someone that you want to rip a family apart just because they are selfish...seems so daft.

Yes, selfishness is a good enough reason to dump someone. LEt me guess - it's inly since you had the DC that it's really shown up before you had them it was easier and you noticed it less that he had his own way all the time, now that you are putting the DC's needs first, the selfishness is obvious.

How about if I am too selfish to stay married? Is it acceptable to break up a family because I am unhappy, pissed off with being responsible for everybody and everything and want to go and live by myself and let them all stew?

SGB, yes, it was a case of his selfishness not being apparant until after DC's came along.

Selfishness can rot a relationship, not suddenly or dramatically like an affair, but slowly over time, eventually killing every bit of love and respect you once had for that person, but trying to explain it to someone is very hard unless they are going through the same thing, my grandmother has always said its not the big things that can kill a marriage/relationship its the little things.

susiedaisy, that grandmother of yours was a very wise woman.
But what can you do? Selfish people don't want to change, do they, they have it too good.
Thing is, when my DC's ask me in 10 years time why I left their dad, selfishness seems so stupid an answer.

Do you find that as long as everything is running smoothly then life is good, but when you need help or need to change plans then its shit. For days!

I dont know about you AB but mostly I can brush it aside but some days it realy makes me sad and resentful. I dont like the person it makes me sometimes either.

Sorry I meant AD not AB.

Online dictionary defines selfish as:

?adjective
1.
devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
2.
characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.

I don't see how it is possible to be in a happy partnership with a person like this, and i especially don't see how someone like this can be a good parent. If he is selfish how can he really love you - surely if he loved you he would put you and the family first?

'selfish' trivialises the issue. Try thinking 'he considers his own needs at all times to be more important than my needs or the needs of his own children'. It's not surprising you find it hard to love him. I would imagine you don't like him or respect him much either.

ronshar you hit the nail on the head there!

Well, yes, it's when you get to the point that you feel you're in the marriage all by yourself ... As SGB says, it's just as likely your 'relationship' was all about what HE wanted all along; self-centred twunts tend to get very annoyed when they realise a baby actually needs attention.

If you write a list of stuff that makes your life harder than it should be, does it amount to 'unreasonable behaviour'? There's your answer.

"Relatively mild allegations such as devoting too much time to a career, having no common interests or pursuing a separate social life may suffice. Using mild allegations may make it easier to agree the contents of the petition with your spouse."
www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/Divorce-and-Separation/Grounds-of-Divorce.aspx

I can't see the carpets in this house for all the eggshells I'm walking over.

ronshar - I totally agree.

ronshar, sorry to disagree with you, but my DH is only happy when EVERYTHING is going his way.
Okay, he will take kids out for a daytrip to seaside, (although one day in six weeks isn't really 'putting yourself out'. The last day trip we did was crap. He complained about the car park (too far away), the queues,(my fault apparantly), the animals in the Zoo not performing(another excuse to moan loudly). Warm sandwiches, warm drinks, camera flat(my fault0, dc's not smiling for photos (my fault).
Am so bloody tired of being at fault for his life not running smoothly.
Want to leave, but it seems so trivial.

AD: this sounds awful to live with. It can't be much fun for the DC either if Daddy is always sulking and whining and criticising - do they get a dose of it too?
And does he ever put any effort into making things run smoothly? I'm betting not.
IN the long run, do you really think your DC will not accept the explanation that Daddy was so grumpy and miserable that we couldn't live with him any more?

You know, sometimes I find myself next to a couple where this is going on - one partner constantly griping at the other, unreasonably. I look around at other people nearby, and there's this general exchange of looks - "how awful, how sad, what can you do?" Have you ever noticed that?

Perhaps, if you take a look around you next time you have a lovely day out, you'll see just how 'trivial' everyone else finds it.

Well now Alisondubois. I could not live with that man. He isnt just selfish he is petulant and infantile. Do your children a favour and ask him to leave for a while and then try and sort things out.

My selfish git isnt like it all the time. When I give him a kick up the backside and remind him to pull himself together things are pretty good. I do feel like I am his mother sometimes though!

AD - if you are having difficulty with selfishness why not look at his behaviour as controlling and manipulative? Because that is what it is. He wants everything his own way, sulks and makes everyone else's life miserable when it doesn't. Sounds quite childish too .
The fact that you were unhappy with him and happy without him will be enough for your DC.

My H was selfish - everything that went wrong was my fault, I got delegated all the crap jobs, his work and comfort always came first, etc etc etc. Then eventually he had an affair. I truly believe it was a final manifestation of exactly how selfish he was, in that he didn't think of anyone else at all, just himself.

Although he is now a changed person (my kicking him out provided the wake up call needed to change his personality), I wouldn't wish that on anyone. With hindsight I should have forced change a lot earlier, and as far as I am concerned, at least initiating divorce is completely justified. If he has some decency at his core he may do the work to change. Otherwise you are better off without.

Selfishness killed my relationship, I so totally agree that it saps everything that you once had to offer leaving nothing but resentment and built up frustrations. When one person is doing all the giving and the other all the taking, then the end is inevitable. Relationships, although we all accept have their ups and downs, are a team effort and so if one person constantly puts all their needs first then it's not selfish to say, ENOUGH.

Do what you're heart tells you, but don't ever feel that if you decide that you do want to end things that it was a shallow reason. Remember that he also has a hand in this, I've no doubt that you have raised the issue on many many occasions, and he has chosen not to take into account his families needs, so in reality, he is the one that is calling time on this.

Stop worrying about whether selfishness is reason enough to end the marriage. Or how it will sound telling people you ended it because he's selfish.
It's only a word.
You'd be leaving him for all his destructive behaviours. All the times he failed to act in the best interests of the family. All the times he made your life harder instead of shraing the burdens.
Selfishness is just an easy (and accurate) word to convey why he is so difficult to live with.