Caught between parents and (D)P

[EngineeringMike]

I'd like a female perspective on this. I'm in a bit of a bind.

I split up with my long-term DP after being miserable with each other for two years. I think she's not a bad person, but she's difficult. She can lose her temper, and she suffered I think with depression, but deep down, I think she's a good person. My parents hate her for having made me unhappy.

However, my ex is from a foreign country and has remained in the UK. I'm her only real friend here, and continues to contact me. When I mention this to my parents, they're evil. They call her a b*h, etc. However, all this does is draw me back to my ex (D)P, and I feel protective of her.

I feel I'm stuck between my parents, who want the best for me, and an ex-who wants me back, who has no support of her own. I find myself thinking I should get back with my ex, and almost that it's inevitable. The arguments I have with my parents, just confuse me more. I do think I'm a good man, but rather indecisive and ineffectual.

Any thoughts?

PS, apologies for posting in a way. I know this isn't blokesnet, but so many of you seem very sensible.

TBH if you're an adult, your parents should have little or nothing to do with your relationships imo.

Do you have to discuss any of this stuff with your parents? (I didn't bother letting mine know where Iwas living half the time when I was single & in my twenties).

I think it would be potentially quite harmful to get back together with your ex. You'll just end up splitting up again - far better to have a clean break. Will she return to her home country, do you think?

Parents are very protective over their children, even when their children have grown up. They have seen the stress and upset that she has caused you. I wouldn't get back with her, just think of how your life was when you were together. A relationship built out of pitty (and this is what it would be) isn't a relationship at all, I'd avoid this at all costs, there's someone out there for both of you.

Do not get back with your ex by default. She is your ex for a reason. You shouldn't get back with her unless the very prospect of spending the rest of your life with her fills you with joy. If you do slide back into a relationship you'll probably meet the woman of your dreams 6 months later!

Neither are you responsible for her welfare now. She is an adult and her problems are her own to deal with. Being friends after a breakup can be very tricky and complicated.

You parents' opinion of her isn't very nice - you said you made each other unhappy - rather than just her making you unhappy. Did you tell them too much of what was going on? Never a good idea to do this!

Tell the parents to wind their necks in and keep their opinions to themselves.

Don't let the ex harbour any illusions of a reconciliation.

Find someone who makes you happy.

I wouldn't get back with her but can you encourage her to go to GP about depression or go for some counselling. I think you need to tell your parents to back off that you are helping her and that is all or as a previous poster said don't tell them anything.

and don't be telling your parents too much personal stuff - they'll treat you like a child if you do

she is an adult adn eneds to seek counselling - also is up to her to find new friends.

Thanks, I think I made the mistake of telling my parents we were unhappy before we split. In mitigation, my XP's father died, and so she was unhappy.

I agree my parents should not interfere. It's frustrating as they want grandchildren, etc, go on about the happy families they know (even though we know they've had problems (divorces, teenage pregnancies, etc)).

One problem I find is being able to resolve whether it's pity, or the fact that deep down, I love my XP. That said, had she disappeared after we split, I probably would have coped and found someone else. She shows no signs of wanting to do that.

If you loved her in "that" way you'd not have to go digging deep down for it - you'd know it!

is it love or being used to certain behaviour?

As for love, I wish I knew. Maybe I'm cynical, but I don't think it's that black and white.

Reading MN, there are clearly some relationships that are abusive and it's obvious someone should leave. But I think for an awful lot of people, they live in that grey area that sits between the first flush of romantic love and a loveless marriage.

There's no doubt I love my XP, but whether that's romantic love, rather than a caring love, I don't know.

Dogfish, I have to say you sound right on the money there (maybe there's a confirmation bias - see there's that self-doubt creeping in), but I agree with what you say. My parents do tend to live through me (v. proud of degrees, etc)

My parents have form with this a little. My older brother lives with his DP, and my parents don't like her. I think what that did is draw him to his DP and away from his family. I don't know, but they've (brother and his DP) never struck me as super happy, but they're together.

OK, so imagine, if you will, that your ex meets some new bloke, gets all happy and phones you up to tell you she is getting married in a few months time. Would you be

a) relieved and glad for her?

b) gutted, jealous, raging, broken hearted?

Without reflecting at all, my answer would probably be a)

That probably tells me what I need to know

Dogfish,

I think you and msboogie have solved my relationship problem that I've been procrastinating over for the past six months.

I also think your posts are really well written and get to the heart of the issue. Thanks

Seriously, we need a blokesnet, but then there would be too many threads about Top Gear and who should be the next England manager.

EngineeringMike = you like your ex, which is great

but it isn't love - not in a way women want to be loved

in the future don't tell your parentsabout your love life
keep it to yourself

lesson learned...

Protective parents my arse, when a parent put their needs before those of the son it's just a selfish person, not a protective parent. You are an adult know, cut the cord. It is NOT healthy to have your parents deciding about your romantic life.

glad to be of assistance!

here's another thing: if you did get back with her for the wrong reasons you would certainly not be doing her any favours either, even though it might seem like it at the time to both of you.