Abusive parents

[BigOfNoorks]

Hi I have name changed for this, however some of you may know my normal name from some of the details that I accidentally posted on another thread under my usual name please don't out me. Recently after a nasty row with my MIL my dp has started coming forward with stories I consider abuse and neglect he has always said no unsupervised contact for his mum and our children but always said it was because she is a alcoholic and never told me the extent of his reasons.

However since the row dp has started coming forward with some stories of things his mum did to him. He was doing the dishes and smashed a cup so she smashed a cup over his head and started smashing the house up. How he got lost on numerous occasions as he was let to roam around and once got stuck up on the church roof trying to get his favorite teddy down after some older boys put it up there. She would apparently hit his father and throw crockery at him. His mother didn't even know what degree he took he heard her bragging to her friends about it and when one of them asked what degree he was doing she said she was not sure. He seems to have a slightly skewed version now of what is acceptable behavior from others towards him and I would like him to go to counseling he has very low confidence, self esteem and seems to get afraid of arguments so we don't argue I am very careful of that we sit down and discuss things.

Here is the problem I think he does need to talk to someone about this but he does not want to I don't want to push him so I have let it drop as he has been pushed around far to much in his life. Anyone who has been in a similar position to my dp, give me any advice on how best to help him please I would be very grateful.

He needs to look at how it was treated, realise it was because there is something wrong with his mum, not because there was something wrong with him. He needs to see this treatment as unfair and abusive, but bear in mind he will excuse his mums behaviour and justify it by saying he was bad, a pain, and so on, because that's what's he's no doubt been told all his life.

A few book titles that will help both you and him:

Children of the Self Absorbed
Will I ever Be Good Enough?

Can't remember authors, but pop the titles into the search engine on amazon / google and they will be there.

They are primarily focussed on women iirc, but it may be a good idea for you to read them and pass on what you feel may help him.

I really feel for your dp. It is a long hard road but very worth travelling, I am now more confident and happier than ever before, I had some counselling to identify what the issue was and the rest of the work I did at home with help from books and mumsnet!

I know this sounds really hippyish, but give him lots of love!

Thank you it does hurt me to hear him say it was his fault he had this but seeing the children grow up seems to help with that because our eldest son is the same as him and he sees that while he sometimes misbehaves it is dealt with differently and we have never lost him because we care enough to watch him. This seems to help him see.

We have recently stopped talking to her and while I try to keep my anger at bay he still loves his mum even though he knows how wrong she is it makes me angry at her because she does not deserve it, but I say nothing to him as I realize this is hard for him, he is finding the split hard to deal with.

Thank you I will definitely get those books and read them, I know it will be long but I hope he will recover now she is no longer around to do any more damage. I love my dp to pieces he helped me at a time when I was in a very bad place he stepped back let me be me but loved me for who I was and accepted my many issues and I want to be able to give him the same back. Thank you I will get those books and read them and I am trying not to push him and just listen to what he wants.

How sad. Often we wait to 'remember' or talk about horrible things in our past - it's a natural defense mechanism. Another good is 'Toxic Parents' (can't remember the full title).

All you can do is be there for him as much as you can, and maybe he will gradually get to the point where he wants to seek some professional help to get through things.

Thanks Hairytriangle I will give toxic parents a try to .

Aww you sound like a lovely other half BigOfNoorks!

Thanks I have called my FIL who is lovely and he is going to come round and give my dp some support. We don't see him much because MIL has always caused problems and FIL has tried not to slag her off and felt uncomfortable but I am hoping that where one door closes another opens.