decision time

[guiltynsad]

I have had some fantastic advice from MN in the past so am hoping for some hand holding and advice, please bear with me as this may be long. I have name changed for this one.

Ok I will try to explain my situation as clearly as I can. I have got married at 18, 12 years ago which seemed like a good idea at the time but in retrospect was far far too young. The man I married was older than me by 8 years and had a stable job from day 1. I soon realized that we did not have much in common but continued to try. From very early on in the marriage he was not interested in my life/ friends at all in fact he was very dismissive about them and was not interested in meeting any of them. Don?t get me wrong we have had time when we get on well but mostly its just like having a lodger who pays for everything and keeps to himself whenever I tried to draw him out he just backed off.

He has not kissed me in years, does not hug or snuggle and never says I love you in any form (no acknolodgements for birthdays or anniversarys etc. I have always been the over sensitive type and donot feel comfortable expressing my opinion around as more often than not either he will dismiss it as ?stupid? or just ignore it all together. He has never stopped me from going out during the day when he is working but over the years I have become more and more isolated to the point now that I cannot say I have any friends at all just some aquaintances.

It has now got to the point that I was away on a course a few weeks ago and as I drove back I thought that wouldn?t it be much simpler for him to have an affair as it would give me an excuse to leave, or for a car to crash in to me and it would all be over. Surely this is not a normal relationship?
The issues now are even more complicated as he has a very interfering mother who has more or less moved in with us and is so controlling that I feel like the nanny and not the mother to my kids as she constantly picks apart my behavior and parenting. She is the most selfish manipulative woman I have ever met and twist everything around to fit her and he listens the one and only time I have had a massive argument with her I heard him saying to her ?you are completely right ignore her?.
I need to get everything straight in my head so I can make a decision as there is not just me but 2 kids involved too. I have no qualifications and have never worked as he always said there was no need to plus we lived outside of the uk for quite a few years so working was never an option there.

Didn't want to read and run.
Re thinking about a car crash being preferable to carrying on - been there - woke me up to some unpalatable facts about my marriage.
You have my sympathy you are in a very difficult position. To extract yourself from the life that is making you feel so trapped and miserable that you have thoughts like that will be long and painful. But life is long and you deserve to be happy and feel confident and appreciated.
Think of the awful message your kids are getting about you at the moment.
Resolve to make a plan. Get organised with your own bank account, start thinking about how you could support yourself, what you would like to work at if you had a job, how you could get qualified for it.
How could you start making some friends of your own? Do you get involved in PTA stuff yet?
Could you raise with your DH the issue of MIL undermining you and how you feel about her living with you? Nobody on earth finds that dynamic easy and she doesnt sound like a happy woman.
Be strong. There is no rush to sort it all out immediately. But you are allowed to claim your life back even if it displeases other people.
Thinking of you and sending waves of support. I am there too but at a different stage of life.

absolutely not acceptable...he is ignoring your needs and undermining you at every turn,treating you like a child

leave or get he and his darling mother to leave before it gets worse

it is not your fault xx

thanks whenallelse I am 1 year away from gaining a qualification but I am not sure I can wait that long for the sake of my sanity. Its almost like something snapped in the last week while I was away I missed the kids but felt incrediably free and more like me than I have in too long, I am confident, happy and friendly but as soon as I step in the house its like I am channeling a 50s housewife (an unhappy one I might add) I feel like a crap mother. I already have a bank account but no money in it as we have always had his account for everything. I have not spoken to them but I am sure my parents will help me out in anyway they can atleast until I can get on to my feet.

I am just feeling so low as I hate to uproot my kids once again and probably considerabily affecting their standard of living too sometimes I wonder if I am worth all this upheaval but thanks for listening.

I know that feeling of wondering whether your own unhappiness is important enough to justify upsetting so many other people. If it was easy to act selfishly I would have left already.
I think you have to consider the long term effect on your children of seeing a mother who is put down, undermined and belittled. That is not the role model you want them to remember.
How about arranging to have the Child Bneefit paid direct to you so you can start to save a little escape fund? I think though that once the scales have fallen from your eyes there is no way you can stay.
Good luck and remember that free feeling when you need motivating!

thanks whenallelse fail child benefit goes straight into his bank account and I am sure he will question it if I start to make changes to the accounts now. I have some jewellry which I could sell but not much else even the cars are in his name however the house he just bought is in joint names so hopefully that counts for something.

I just feel so drained of energy and am really scared that he will take the kids and try to leave the country and if that happens then I would never get them back.

Hopefully you will be able to get out soon too. I will definitly remember the free feeling as its the only thing that will keep me going, I just can't see myself being sane if I have to put up with another X number of years of marriage.

Ok feeling less sorry for myself today and on a more practical note how do I go about getting divorce advice any websites or phone nos. appreciated as I need to get the ball rolling before I bottle out.

this for a quick overview including petition, and this for more detailed guidance. I would also suggest a trip to your local CAB for some face-to-face advice tailored to your circumstances. They're free and they're usually very good.

Supposing your H wakes up to what he stands to lose, Relate is also very good!

Hope you are feeling ok. Had similar situation to you where was trapped in marriage from a young age but stayed for over 20 years! It just got worse and worse until i felt i lost my sanity.

Before you do anything, is there anyway you can make this marriage work? I would suggest talking to him one last time to see if he is willing to make things better with you. Give yourself a mental deadline eg a month. If you see that he is not willing to improve things/or you truly cannot carry on like this then you know that you have tried.

At the same time, you can get on with the practical stuff. Go to citizen advice to find out your rights and what financial help you can get. You are probably entitled to Legal Help, so its worth going to a solicitor just to get the ball rolling. They will also give you advice re finances eg tax credits/benefits. Im not sure, but you may be able to get some tax credits in place straight away which you could have put in to your account.

As far as your course goes, just keep at it! Again it will be something to keep you going. Are you doing this at college? You may be able to get some career advice there and they may be able to help you sort a CV out. As a mother, you have many more skills than you realise and they are useful to employer in a roundabout way! So dont worry about that.

Also, as someone said, if you get involved with your children's school, maybe helping with reading once a week and also PTA then you will have something to add when you are applying for jobs after your course and they can act as referees. Also, its a good way to make friends.

The main thing is that once you have some kind of plan in action, you will start to feel less trapped and more in control.

Giving yourself deadlines also makes you feel that there is an end in sight rather than drifting eternally and feeling more and more unhappy. Thats what worked for me and gave me some power back in my life.

I truly hope you get through this whatever you decide. Good luck!

whenallelsefails gives excellent advice.

Reading the OP, the thing that hits home hardest is that you have never actually experienced being an adult. You have never worked, you don't even feel competent to express an opinion without being made to feel foolish by your DH, and now he's moved his mother in! It reads as though you're still a child, completely at the mercy of the adults around you. Your DH holds all the power in your relationship, and you feel totally powerless to change things.

It's going to be a long process, because there are so many elements to this.You need to get yourself trained, working and earning. That in itself will give you power. You need to talk to your DH about how you feel and make it clear that either your marriage changes fundamentally, or you break up.

You're going to have to be really strong, because it sounds like this will be your first taste of being independent, and making choices yourself rather than having them made for you.

What you need to hold onto is that you're only 30. You have 50 or more years ahead of you. Can you really imagine spending your whole life feeling like this? Is it fair to your kids (or to you?) It feels like you haven't started your life yet. Many women of your age have been away to University, worked in a career, been financially independent, and are only just embarking on the whole family thing. So, you've got a steep learning curve ahead. On the other hand, settling and having children young, means that your time is now - you need to tell yourself that you can discover a happier, more meaningful existence than just jogging along with someone who feels like a lodger who pays the bills.

Singledom I have tried so many times to talk to him and he just says "you are being ridiculous". I am willing to try but only if he is willing to change drastically which to be very honest I don't see happening as he does not see anything wrong with things the way they are now.

My courses are distance based so not alot of face to face interaction is involved.
I know I will be doing a lot of stuff in a short space of time and in the opposite order to most women i.e. I have done being a mum before the work qualification etc. but I need to do this because if I don't become independent it won't happen. I have just come back to the UK so I have no involvement with the PTA etc but will try to become involved once the older one goes to school in september but it may be difficult as the younger one does not start school until after christmas.

I will contact the CAB soon, but will have to wait for a week or so until mil leaves as she will ask too many questions and I cannot risk them running with the kids.

I am sure you have tried all you can. The reason i said to try and talk to him is that at least when you end it, you know that you did all YOU could and when you look back you dont ever feel regret or guilt for your decision. I used to get the 'you are being stupid/ridiculous' line too. If you are unhappy and you dont have a life, and are just some sort of skivvy/maid to him, then you are not ridiculous to want more.

You are still young. You may not feel it because of your situation but you have a whole life ahead of you. I remember near the end of my marriage wishing, like you, that he would have an affair as somehow that would justify me leaving him. But in the end i realised that his abuse (mainly emotional but some physical) was a good enough reason.

Also, if your younger one doesnt start school till later, then another good place to go to meet people is toddler groups in September. Just google them or find them in library.

I think you have a lot going for you, so whatever happens dont let fear of the unknown overwhelm you or be an obstacle to you.

I would also make sure you mention your worry about your H taking kids away when you go to CAB or solicitor as they may be able to take steps to prevent this.

Take care

thanks singledom, I sway from feeling that this is the best decision for me to being scared witless of how I will manage with 2 young kids alone. All your support means so much to me and makes me more resolved to stick to my plan, it is amazing how its easier to bare soul to a faceless individual than a rl life person.

I am waiting for mil to leave in about a week and then will start taking some difinitive action. This is the first step to claiming back 'me' thanks everyone I am in tear but it is bitter sweet knowing that someone I trusted and loved has put me in this position and some lovely strangers are holding my hand to help me get out.

Hi, just want to say that you WILL cope with your kids on your own. Believe me, it is a lot easier than being in an unhappy marriage. Just the fact that you will feel you have regained your freedom and YOURSELF will keep you going.

Of course, you are scared of the unknown, but where you are now is not good for you, so just see it as a way of improving your and your kids lives. A new journey in your life that you are embarking on. And one day you will look back and realise that it was the best thing you did and none of it was as frightening as you imagined.

That is what I keep tellin myself that in the long run its all for the best and it will be healthier for me and my kids too.
I just feel so drained with a constant headache but it has to be done!