Partner has left, please help

[Ruthie22]

Hi everyone, I'm a bit of a mumsnet lurker (probably because I knew my relationship wasn't healthy).

My partner has always been emotionally abusive - he comes from a family where they don't listen, they just try and shout the loudest and hurt the most.

Every disagreement turns into a personal attack on me about how crap I am, how I don't do anything (I'm a pregnant SAHM with a 16 month old DD who has recently returned to work for 20 hours a week).
He tells me that I must be a lesbian or want to be a bloke because I tell him he should talk to me with more respect and not shout, swear and physically threaten me.

He does all of this in front of our DD and then if i try and respond to anything or start to cry he'll get even more angry and hiss at me to not do this in front of our daughter (?!)

He has been physically abusive to me in the past, giving me a black eye and a split lip on separate occasions and this weekend he has done it again.

DD woke up in the night and instead of helping he disappeared into the lounge - it took me an hour to settle her (she is a bit poorly) and when i did he came in and started to have a go about how crap i am and that he'd been timing me in the front room and that i am a 'pervert' for allowing our daughter to cry that long.

I got upset by this and told him that maybe if he helped he could say something but as he just disappeared as soon as she started to cry. He got angrier and started to grab my arms and use my hands to hit me in the face (DD is in bed with me at this time) I started to cry and scratched his hands with my fingernails to get him off and this sent him over the edge. He hit me in the face and then picked up a torch, came round to my side of the bed and hit me with it really hard and then walked off.

I now have a big swollen cheek, black eye etc.

I went to A & E and they decided not to x ray so i came home. He was apologetic and sorry blah blah blah.
Today we get up and he says don't worry about doing anything, I'll do it all - you just relax. The house is untidy so he said he'd clear it all up. Come half way though the day, I've been helping him do the clearing up but it's not enough. He starts ordering me around and shouting and swearing again and hit me in the face.
He came in and shouted in my face, if i don't have all the clothes washed by tomorrow he is leaving. So i said, fine i won't do them then. So he said he might as well leave now and i said do what you want.
He's left.
He says i can't contact him for anything, even DD.
The thing is, financially i am in a terrible position. I have debts and a ccj from a relationship where my partner fleeced me (know how to pick em me!)and i can't afford to work if i have to pay child care. I've gor barely any savings left as he made me use them to pay my way when my maternity ran out. I'm also scared he's going to stop paying the rent/bills. He's said before that people like me ought to be grateful that they have a roof over their head and that he'd like to see how i cope as a single mum as it's what i deserve.
As it happens, i'm sort of glad he's gone as at least i don't have to put up with the verbal and physical abuse any more but i'm also really scared.
Sorry it's so long, thanks if you've got this far! x

Ruthie, I can empathise with that scenario. My 2 X's colluded in involving SS with my family. Following investigation, SS deemed their intentions as malicious and 'NFA'd' (no further action) the 'case', offering me massive support in the process.

You are in the right here. Keep strong in that!

Ruthie, well done, you've been incredibly brave. Please take the others advice and call the police and log what happened today. Tell them about yesterday too, and that you went to A&E - it will all help you.

I was going to say you are so much better off now but you know this. He's a pathetic excuse for a man, he's a bully.

Can you report him to the police for assaulting you?

You will manage. As you are working then you are entitled to working tax credits and possibly housing benefit. You don't need a bully like this. Even if you are reported to SS, he's an abuser. You really should report him to the police.

I know that it mightn't be the right thing to do, but i'm not going to press charges - i will probably phone the police and tell them what has happened so they have it on record unofficially but he is DD's dad and i think that losing her is the biggest punishment he could get, along with not being in DC2's life full time. Also, if he got prosecuted he would lose his job and that would make money situation more difficult

If you don't want to press charges now it's your choice but on a JIC basis things could ;possibly escalate so please take lots of pictures of your bruises and injuries whilst tehya re still fresh please, if you never use them fine but you might need them.

WRT to SS all tehy would do is ask a few questions, look at the house very briefly and chat to your dd's, then congratulate you on binning tossface. Please don't worry about that.

You must call the police and at least get it documented, my brothers girlfriend has battered the shit out of him and the one time he shouted at her she called the police, he now has an injunction all because he's never reported the injuries she inflicted. You'll regret it if you don't at least have an offical record of what happened.

ha ha thanks Sanctimoany...i already took pics and could tell the hospital staff didn't believe a word i said when i went in. i guess they see cases like mine all the time

hi, i hope your ok, as someone who grew up in a home that had domestic violence the best thing you can do for your daughter is never let this man back in your home, my father used to beat and abuse my mother physically and verbally and i watched all this and wud try to protect her up to the age of 13 and i can tell u now it wasnt pleasant. Your daughter will be so much happier and better off if u can stay stong and not let him back he probably will try and pretend to be a changed man. as for finances there is a lot of help available to single mums, child tax and working tax credits will amount to alot, they will also pay for the majority of your nursery fees, also if you earn under a certain amout get help towards your rent and council tax, please do not let finance worry you, go to a cab and they will tell u. just try and be happy that u can finally start feeling like a happy, confident, beautiful person, and above all a great parent, there is nothing better that u cud have done for you daughter than getiing him to leave, i tell u this from experience

Well done for standing up to him, you and your children deserve better.

1. Contact Police straight away and report him just in case he comes back in the same mood, they will send officers trained in dealing with domestic violence to take your statement at home. Do this even if you decide not to press charges. Social Services are likely to be informed so that they can offer you support, but better that than you risk your DD seeing you abused like that.
2. Get locks changed.
3. Phone Womens Aid for support and advice.
4. Go to CAB for advice on all matters including keeping your home. Re: debts if you are on low income you can get Debt Relief Order or bankruptcy (good if you have no assets e.g. you own your home or car).
5. You can get some help for childcare through extra tax credits - phone child tax credit helpline or ask CAB for advice on this one.
6. You are now a single parent and if you cannot continue to work because you cannot afford childcare even with tax credit help you can claim income support whilst you get back on your feet.
7. Housing benefit/Council tax benefit will help cover your rent/council tax if your income isn't enough. Get an application form from your council (they may have one online).
8. If you still cannot afford rent even with housing benefit and become homeless you can apply to local council under homelessness legislation as having one child and being pregnant means you are in priority need and they have a duty to house you. They can also transfer you to another council under domestic violence.
9. Speak to your boss about the situation, they will likely be understanding if your childcare is temporarily affected whilst you get money sorted.

10. You might be able to get temporary financial help through the housing and employment officer at your council if it will enable you to stay in work.

Good luck with everything.

Hi Ruthie,

You definitely need to get down to the police station and get them to take down your statement and take photos. You don't have to press charges - when I did it they said they would press charges without me and perhaps stupidly at the time I withdrew my statement so that it didn't go ahead - but the phonecall, images etc are always then on record, and I used them later to take my XP through the civil courts.

So do it - once your DX knows it's on record he's less likely to come round and do it again.

And change the locks!

Hey Ruthie,

i am fresh out of an abusive relationship... had loads of help from woman's aid and the police were very good as well. even got an injuction against him which was for a year through legal aid.

My daughter is much happier now as she use to get woken up by my screams when he use to attack me. It wont be easy but stay strong. Especially financially at first, but once you get you benefits through you will start to realise you had a lucky escape.

I found myself in relapse mode the last few weeks as i found out he has some girl preganant..silly me for pining after him but you will still love him just think positive and do whats best for you and your child.

You are in my prayers and do take care

Thanks for all the support guys, it's great to hear from people who have been there. It's easy to forget that people have sometimes. Looks like me and DD have a busy day tomorrow!

jbells, thanks for sharing your story, i'm sorry you went through all that and absolutely know that i don't want to put my DD and soon to be born DC through any of that. I want them to be strong, well-adjusted, happy children.

mamatomany - so sorry to hear about your brother - i will learn from his experience and make sure it is documented.

Allsheep - thanks for the list - i hadn't thought about talking to my boss - he seems understanding but i've only been working there a week (!) will give it some thought tho.

sixesandsevens - do the police keep the images etc on file indefinitely?

sereka - you re right, although i can be all cold and practical about it i guess i still love him and that will hurt soon, especially as it all starts to sink in but i know just need to do what's right for the DC.
I know DD loves her daddy lots and i feel sad for her because of that but the rows/fights/fear etc. totally overrule that

Hi Ruthie,

I'm not sure how long they keep them - I used their transcript of my original call to the police about 6 months later for the civil court case. I'm sure they keep them for a few years or so.

Also, if he has any past history they can keep a record and it means - as someone else posted above - that they will be very quick to come out if you call them again.

For example, I needed to go back to my house to get some stuff and my XP was being quite threatening and saying he wasn't going to let me in - my solicitor advised me to call the police to say that I was going to break in if he had locked me out as it was still my house - but needless to say, as soon as the police asked for my XP's name - they obviously checked it on their database and immediately said that they were going to send a police escort. I am certain that they only did it because of all the information they have on file for him - so it's worth doing.

Hi Ruthie.. just another vote for reporting to the police.

They will have it documented which you can use in the future, but don' t need to progress if you don't want to. Also if anything happens, they will have a kind of 'high alert' trigger against your address which means they will get out to you super quick if you need them.

Another vote for contacting WA tomorrow as well. you are doing so well.. I know it is not good MN form - but a big hug to you anyway...

your welcome sometimes when your in a crappy situation its just nice to knw your not alone in wot your going thru

you will survive...and better than that you will live the happy and peaceful life you and your DD deserve. It will be hard but promise yourself now no matter how hard it gets you won't look back and never let him through the door again.
Change the locks, take any help you can get, think positive and take care of yourself and your precious children. Thinking of you

Hey Ruthie
thank goodness he's gone and don't let that wanker back. He probably will come back though and will kick off. Be strong and be brave. But please protect yourself and your children.

My sister went through this and it was hard but her life has never been so good as since she left her abusive X. Please, please report this to the police. You should not protect him! (He most probably won't lose his job - shocking though that is) He has violently attacked you, when pregnant, in front of your DD. he is a case and this needs to be highlighted to the police. My sister pressed charges on her X and did it in particular so that when the children were older and they asked why her and their father split up - no matter what HE said - she had a piece of paper from the police proving what he had done. That she had no choice and it was to actually protect them. She said the lyrics of this song - the last verse - put it right - you have to stop it or your child will think that is normal behaviour.

If you are isolated where you are - maybe you can move back to where your parents and friends are and start again away from him and his influence. Oh and as someone else said - TELL EVERYONE what he is like. It is not your shame it is his. They need to know to help protect you and understand.

Good luck with this and I hope this is the start of a brand new life of freedom and happiness.

Thanks again everyone who's posted, i'm sure reality will dawn on me eventually but at the moment i feel quite calm and in control. i appreciate all the thoughts and hugs as well - poor DD must wonder why mummy has been smothering her with too many hugs and kisses tonight!
The lyrics of that song hit a chord in quite a few of the lines - must find a playlist for myself that will help me through things - that's a really great idea :-)

I can't offer practical advice, but I am so glad he has gone and you and your child are now safe. The very best of luck with everything tomorrow.

well done he is gone. do not let him back.
so you didnt ell A&E what happened?

please go to police tomorrow and report him AND press charges - he may be dd's dad but if you let him off he will do worse next time.

SS can support you to be without him - but if you let him back in your life then yes they would be concerned about your DD.

by reporting and pressing charges you will be in a much stronger position to make sure your DD only has supervised contact with her dad for the time being, eg at a contact centre (and the one my dcs used was fine, very pleasant, lots of toys esepc for yonger kids etc.)

if you let him off again, he will just come back to do it again...and that will be leting your DD down...

the money thing is not the most important here - get to CAB etc, you will get support.

ditto what was said "TELL EVERYONE what he is like. It is not your shame it is his. They need to know to help protect you and understand."

he chose to hit you... he deserves to be prosecuted - you just tell the truth to police -what happens next whether he gets chrged or a caution is out of your ahnds...but if you dont tell the truth you do yourself adn your daughter a disservice.

in a few months when he takes you to court for shared residency you need the proof of the injuries and that you went to police to stop him.

you dont do that adn nd he could apply for shared residency and if he is good at work etc puts on good front - well it will make your case very difficult.

your DD needs only supervise d contact with this man at most - dont put her in danger by not reporting and not pressing charges...

you know 3 years ago my exP assualted me anad my DS - i did speak to detective it was reported - but i didnt push for charges because he ahd gone into psych unit (albeit voluntarily) and i thought it was all to do wiht hi mental health state and now he was getting help for that so what was the point in pressing chargess?
you know what? he miraculously recovered and a year later said to a judge that i made it all up and nothing happened... if i had pushed wiht rpessing charges at the time, given evidence eg the ripped t shirt he ripped off me etcetc - if they had interviewed him then while he was articulating his anger towards me /ds etc - well i wouldnt then have looked stupid in court way down the line...

if it was stranger who had done it you would have no qualms about police - i KNOW why you think you should not, but you really need to tell the whole truth to police, to GP etc.
in the end it will be police/CPS who decide how far it goes - not you... but you need to stand firm in reporting exactly what happened. while you have the evidence...to protect your DD...and you.. he is a voient man - it doesnt take much for an object to be aimed at the "wrong" part of your head to kill you

otherwise, a few years down the line he will abusing you again or someone else with impunity...

First things first, congratulations, and I hope you're alright today.

Yes, please listen to these ladies and report to the police. He's absolutely going to come back and try and get back into your life. 100% guarantee it.

So, firstly, you need the police on your side to keep him out, because men like this escalate their violence when they think they're in danger of losing you. He doesn't understand yet that he's lost you, he thinks this is a big bluff and he can come back and you'll be really sorry and next time you'll do the laundry like a good doormat. When he does understand it, it's going to be the real danger time for you.

And if he can't get to you physically, there's a very good chance he and his family will try and pull ugly shit around the custody issue like they've been threatening for ages, and claim all sorts about you. If you have his DV on file first it will help a LOT in resisting that. Otherwise, it's going to get complicated.

You need your side of the story heard and recorded NOW because he's going to be spinning a new one as soon as he realises what he's done.

Wow.That was to easy.

He will be back that was way to easy. I put on weight to get rid of my ex(fat people repulse him)among other thing's,but he still didn't leave.
You need to tell someone and report him so at least you will have someone there for you.

I am proud of you. He is an abusive jerk, and you are well rid of him. You did the right thing. The next few weeks will be hard, talk to the women s help people and police, friends, anyone and everyone. Stay strong. I find this song inspiring.
I Will Survive

ruthie - sorri for all my typos last night - it was late and i was angry - at him and also sad that you thought you should protect him by not going to police/not pressing charges...you really must..

why? as others said - he isnt going to go away lightly... he will be back...

he will twist the incident and make out to all (and SS) that you are a crazed mother who got so drunk you walked into a cupboard. and ended up in A&E while he was left holding the baby.

he will make out you did this to yourself and you are crazy and he will seek residence of your daughter (and your unborn baby) to get back at you.

you have had his and his mother's threats to report to SS...believe me he will follow thru with this. you know you are doing a good job, you ahve nothing to hide - unless you allow this man back in any way...

he will stoop so low as to use your DD (and your unborn baby) in this way. they are part of him and you will need support to ensure you stay safe - and they stay safe away from this man.

you must report to police and press charges.

you must call womens aid and speak to DV unit to support you.

if you cover for him now you will strongly regret it.
and he will use it to his advantage.

your DD is young enough to move forward without him in her life; unless he is properly punished in law, shows remorse and changes drastically.

dont let him get away with it. please.