nosey mother - what do do next -advice needed.

[andnowthewait]

following on from the nosey mother thread.

Ive still not spoken to her, she text me a few days ago, just like nothing had happened. Like i knew she would.

I did not respond. This is how she gets away with it - and the cycle repeats itself.

She is now bleating to anyone and everyone about how im ignoring her and she hasnt done anything wrong and she cant see what im trying to achieve by behaving so childishly.

Im not longer pissed off and am rather enjoying not being constantly suffocated and nagged.

But - i dont know how to play this. At some time ill have to speak to her. I know there is no point arguing. There is also little point saying that her behaviour is unacceptable.
But inteh same regard, if i act like nothign has happened ( which is what usually happens, though ofd course, only when shes calmed down and wants that) then thats no good either.

am at a bit of a loss of my next move.

Well, having read through the other thread now, I think you should cut your losses.

Beats me why you're trying so hard to keep her in your life.

When you are ready to speak to her, call her up, if she starts on at you just say you are not engaging in a debate and you will hang up if she doesn't stop.

Follow through with the threat if you have to.

Keep it up now - you have made a good start. You know she can be "trained" because your siblings have sort of achieved it.

i cant do that again. I dont want to have to do that.

I live too near.

DD loves her ( and the rest of the family)

thats not what i want.

All i want is for my boundaries to be respected. Thats all.

Im not asking for anything else.

I just cant see to communicate this to her.
Talking doesnt help
shouting doesnt help
arguing and firmly stating my point does not help.

The only thing i can come up with is not talking to her for a few weeks. and then telling her ( maybe in the presense of others, so she cant twist to others what ive said)
That i was very very angry at how i was treated, that the constant scruitiny of my private life is not on.

and just hope by not talking to her for so long she will realise that i am serious about it.

but i was kind of hoping someone might have a better idea

I think you should try becoming thick skinned and being very blunt with her.

"Where are going?"

"Out"

"But where?"

"I'm x years old, it's private, I'm not discussing it with you"

Do the whole stuck record thing. I think it will take many months to get through to her?

She is what she is. If you can't talk to her and you're not prepared to dump her, what can you do? You could always write a letter, telling her - with examples - exactly what she does that is unacceptable. Say in it that you love her and value the relationship that your son has with her but that x, y, z, is intolerable and she has a choice - stop that behaviour or you will, reluctantly, have to withdraw from her life again. Say you would prefer to not do that, because you do love her, but her behaviour is so unacceptable that if she does not alter, she will leave you with no choice. Lay out the behaviour you DO want. Point out the positives (if there are any!) too.

Make it a gentle and loving letter so that she can't show it off as an example of how horrid you are, and keep a copy so if she lies her head off and claims it was full of hate, you can show people!

As to the idea that if you don't talk to her for long enough, she'll change - well, you didn't talk to her for seven years - did she change because of that?

hecate - you talk a lot of sense.

maybe a letter is the best thing.

with a copy.

cargirl - ive been trying that tactic for a year. hasnt worked so far.

It sounds as though you maybe need to have less contact with "anyone and everyone" if your social circle are all in contact with your mother. Find a social circle of people your own age who don't know your family. If family members start discussing your relationship with your mother change the subject or tell them your mother was interfering in your life too much and can they please not get involved.
I'm glad my family are scattered so can't all pester me.
It sounds as though you mainly need to grow a thicker skin and stop caring about her OTT reactions. If you are enjoying not having regular contact with her then just contact her weekly or 2 weekly and be "busy" if she tries to arrange other stuff.