How to deal with a domineering mother...any advice?

[SuchAWorrier]

I love my mum so much. She and my dad were very supportive when I decided to leave my (frankly horrid) ex-DH 2 1/2 years ago. My DS1 has autism and she's such an incredible help to me.

The problem is that she's making me feel like some sort of slut. She's always telling me not to "sleep with men" even though in the time I've been apart from my ex-DH I've had one boyfriend (lasted 18 months) and one recent brief relationship that only lasted a few months. I've just met another nice guy and we're going out tonight. She says all the time that it's not fair on him because he doesn't have children and that it's pointless. Then she goes on and on at me not to sleep with 'all these men' - anyone would think I've been picking them up for one-night-stands or been dogging ffs. I have no intention of jumping in to bed with this bloke but I may well do if it continues!

I don't know how to deal with her. She makes me question everything about myself and I feel terrible.

So my questions are:

1. Is she right, am I a potential slut?
2. How do I deal with her without falling out with her?

Any advice or sympathy stories would just ease my worries.

Thanks...

Oh dear.

I don't think you should even admit the word slut into your lexicon, nor should you worry about it.

I think she is of a different generation, and unfortunately you just have to be discreet if you can't be assertive. Very frustrating for you though.

Say "yes mum, no mum", do what you feel ok doing and don't tell her!

Being harsh, she can't "make" you feel anyway you don't choose to. If you are feeling sluttish because of what she says, then either you are used to taking her opinion as gospel (in which case, stop it) OR you secretly believe the same thing yourself and are not comfortable with it, in which case don't sleep with the guy if you don't want to.

I know you only said it out of frustration, but don't sleep with him just to spite your mum, you really will feel bad afterwards!

You need a hefty dose of self-esteem - do some kind of assertiveness training and learn to trust your own opinions and instincts. Mother has hers, you don't need to accept hers wholesale, you are allowed and able to have your own. Have some confidence in your abilities.

Thanks, I appreciate the advice. I think we're too close...you're right, I really don't need to tell her everything. I'm a professional woman, mother to two lovely kids, have my own home, etc. but she makes me feel 12 years old!

I find it hard not having her approval. I just wish she'd say "have fun, enjoy" but I know she won't.

Time to work on my own self-belief and assertiveness...

Tell her sex is fun, and she should try it.

Catch her when she faints!

Enjoy your date and all the excitement it brings.

Your answer to the thing about the kids, is that is is very fair, he would be very lucky indeed to be allowed into your little family, and he knows it.

Have a lovely evening, and don't give it another thought.

tut tree!

Hello thumbwitch!

H ok, but only very limited processed dairy. So ok in a chicken nugget, not ok as a yogurt. Which is fine as she hardly eats.

Apologies for hijack op!

Self belief and assertiveness. Not easy to come by, but blardy usefull. No one can get to any of us like our mums. Imo.

Thanks tree...
I agree, no one can get to us like our mums. She's so important to me but such a pain sometimes!

Agree totally on that point - my Mum knew exACTly which buttons to push every time and it took lots of counselling and NLP training to withstand her efforts! She suffered from dreadful low self esteem herself so took it out on others by bringing them down too - the worst kind of "emotional vampirism".

Oh dreadfull thumbwitch. It's almost parasitic isn't it.I think people who have low self esteem can be the most manipulative.

The important thing SuchAWorrier is you have the insight. You get that this is to do with mother and daughter relationships - and not that you are a worthless hussy with young children no man could be interested in as they are a burden
That means you have power. Power over how much you let it invade your brain.

Do your hair and get your nicest clothes on. Enjoy your youth and your life!

You're right...I do have insight and I can block out her opinion. After all, it is just an opinion isn't it?

I don't see why I shouldn't go on a nice date. I bet if I told her I'd cancelled him because of what she's been saying, she'd feel really guilty. Weirdly, she's the one always worrying that I'm lonely!!!

In reality most DMs would think their DDs are sluts. I don't mean that as it sounds, but every generation has a more relaxed attitude than the last.

Just stop telling your DM everything and make up your own mind what is right for you.

Well, it's an opinion. But most of us want to please those arouond us, so it's nigh on impossible to ignore.

The thing I do is to think through the motives and reasons for someone's opinion. Then cheerfully feel the opposite, for my own motives and reasons.

Sometimes it isn't an opinion, it's a bid to mould us and control us. That's why thnking through someone's motive is so vital to me. If I arrive at the conclusion they feel differently to me, then all fine. If I arrive at the conclusion they are trying to mould me and direct me for their own needs - then I run a mile take a step back. Hence many years of 'commitment phobia'. Which I now realise was good sense! I always backed away from controlling, moulding and 'heavy' personalities. And there are millions of them!

You should have a nice date. It's a nice summery day, I guess you have babysitters arrangedm and the world is your oyster! Hurrah!

3 man in 3 nights makes you a slut, 3 in 2 years is not really the be all and end all is it.

Is she worried about losing the amount of control help she has in your life if you meet someone new?

My gran, with whom I am very close, is much the same and she cannot help but give her opinion on everything. She's also an eternal pessimist so every major point in my life so far (engagement, pregnancy with DS1 and now 2nd pregnancy) has initially been met with reasons as to why it's a terrible idea! I have learnt to say "mmmmm, yes" and then change the subject.

Stop telling her all the details and get on with what you want to do and THEN tell her when you know you're with someone she needs to know about - good luck!

LOL at tree! Bet they weren't that bad..

You need to tell her that her comment make you feel awful, that they're hurtful sand unwarranted, and that you are definitely NOT a slut!

Not in an accusitory way, she probably thinks she's giving you 'helpful advice'

Thanks again for the advice...
Funnily enough she popped over yesterday before I went out and I told her how her comments had made me feel. She was really upset that she'd upset me and was very sorry.

She knows she should keep her opinions to herself but just cares about me so much she doesn't want to see me get hurt.

I do think we need a bit of a ban on talking about my (!) love-life... I know that if I am still seeing this guy in a few months or whatever she'll be fine with it.

On a lighter note...had a lovely evening! And obviously didn't sleep with him!

Glad you cleared the air with her, SAW - sounds like she's just after the best for you.
ANd glad you had a good evening!