Am I crazy?

[Ladydutchalot]

I feel like I do nothing but nag/shout at dp, and feel terrible. We have moved house in the UK 3 weeks ago, and I have also just moved abroad for 9 months with dd this week, so I have found the past 5 weeks very stressful, and we have been fighting much more than usual. Dp has had a lot on, as he is also delivering a speech in China as I type.

He came to Amsterdam with us, and flew on to China from here today (we moved here on Tuesday).

My joint account card, which has all my money in, is not working, and so dp has control over all my money for the time being, and I am relying on him for handouts for at least the next month, which I am finding stressful too, as he is not here, and will be returning to the UK after China.

He kept going off to do his own thing, and to get things printed/to find internet cafes etc for the two days he was here, and I had no mobile contact with him. This was semi ok, in that it was inconvenient in that I didn't know what was happening re meeting up, whether we were eating meals together etc, but not too frustrating, However two days ago he left dd and I in the park near the house, stating that he would work on his presentation in the flat, and we should come home when we were ready. He had the only set of keys, my purse, the map and all the money. We agreed three time (which he "forgets") that if he were to leave the apartment then he would bring me the keys.

We had three hours in the park (which I feel is ample!), then get hungry and thirsty and in need of a bathroom, and aim for home. He has gone out, locked the house up, and doesn't return for another two hours. I went crazy, telling him he was totally out of order leaving his wife and child in a foreign country, where we know no-one and do not speak the language, alone with no money or access to the apartment or a phone. He feels that I am being totally nutso and totally un-sympathetic about how stressed he is about this conference, and this therefore justifies his behaviour. What is worse, I now feel like a psyco, and hate him for a) making me feel like this, and b) making me scream at him in front of dd.

How do I get it across to him that this is not appropriate behaviour? He saw nothing that wrong with it, and said I was partially to blame for coming home!

No you are not crazy. However busy/stressed he is it is not unreasonable to expect that he consider the needs of you and your child. Shelter, food and security in a foreign country for his family should come top of his list before work. He is probably to stressed out to properly take on board how you are feeling now. If you are relying on him to provide money whilst he is away speak to him calmly as soon as possible to explain how important it is that you have money accessible for you and DC's needs whilst he is away from you. If that is all sorted I would wait until after the speech and he is calmer before you tell him how his actions made you feel. He will be better placed to listen to you if he is not stressed thinking about work and you will get a better response from him. He may well end up apologising to you once he realises his behaviour was unacceptable.

Thanks allsheep. I just keep getting more upset about it because we left each other on such a sour note, and I kept sniping at him because it was our last two days together for at least two to three months, and he spent each day on his presentation, and then flopped in front of the tv as soon as dd (and me on one of the days!) went to bed,so the only time we had together was the shouting incident and a meal on the last night. I just wish I hadn't yelled at him, I can't get it out of my head.

At least it might make him miss us and want to see us when we get back though I suppose!

they say that moving house is pretty much at the top of the stress list, and you.ve done it twice in 2 countries!

Fwiw, i'd be livid at the afternoon you described. Get some keys cut, don't let that happen again. Also try and get your bank thing sorted. Not that i'm saying your dh is doing this, but some men can prioritise everything except their families, once they've uprooted them, and there's very little you can do to get your freedom back. It suits them for you to be powerless and dependant on them.

If he doesn't start stroking your feathers sharpish, this move to ams will fail. Do you have friends there?

I'm away from home at the mo, but i have some girlfriends in holland, i know there are organisations to help you settle in, find your way around etc. I'll ask them and come back to you... Unless someone else here knows the names of what i'm talking about.. I'm ill today, and my brain isn't working.

why do you wish you hadn't yelled at him?

It sounds as if you were provoked to the extreme - to be forgotten in the park whilst he went out, and then to have the blame laid at your feet? I'd have been absolutely furious.

I'm guessing that you didn't start off by shouting, but when he started to justify his behaviour that you started to lose your good temper!

He was wrong. You aren't bonkers
You quite understandably lost your rag at being stranded in an unamanageable situation, without support, by the person who had been tasked to be there. Big H fuck-up, big row, perfectly normal.

Being stuck without money is HORRENDOUS! Is there seriously nothing you can do - I even managed to get a new bank card sent to the middle of nowhere in the Amazon, surely your bank can pull their finger out??

I have every sympathy for you.

Presumably this China gig is a watershed event for H, hence why he's suddenly forgotten he has a wife & child? You've both been through a spectacular series of stressy events so, hopefully, your present predicament is a blip.

That doesn't mean suck it up, though - get moving on sorting out some money and some contacts! Good luck

You were not crazy, well no more crazy than anyone would be after being locked out under those conditions. And him not owning up to it being his fault, and not putting himself in your place, are the icing on the cake. With all of the stress you have been under (both of you) it sounds totally normal to be upset and not yourselves. I hope you will soon have your bank account working and you and your dp can breath again. Your life sounds very hectic, hope things smooth out really soon. (I agree that the bank should do something to make your funds accessible to you)

You're not crazy, of course, but if it's a joint account I don't understand why you haven't got another card sorted out pronto.

Same with the keys, obviously you need to get a spare key cut immediately. If you hang around waiting for him to sort stuff out it isn't going to happen.

Maybe I'm missing something, but again, why did he go off with your purse? I would have felt exactly the same in your situ on the park day, but tbh would never have tolerated him going off with the keys & money in the first place.

Not crazy at all, I would assume from what he did that day, that you and your DC didn't even figure on his radar at all. Which is shocking, quite frankly after all you had agreed and in your situation.

You need to get a second set of keys cut, arrange a new bank card and sort out a mobile phone.

Okay, what really surprises me is this: you have moved to Amsterdam, but now he has gone for 3 months?! Why did you move now? What was the point in leaving the UK if he isn't even going to be with you and DD?

He is being totally unreasonable.

My DH still gets teased about the time he took the last US dollars from my purse and then flew from NY to California as I flew home with DC. But I did have my cash card, and quickly got some more dollars, and I spoke the language.

If he is so pre-occupied you may need to schedule a meeting together with agenda; or email him with a well thought out and calm email. Tell him how you feel (I language), explain how stressed you are, refer him to articles etc about how stressful moving is. Maybe even let him know how often moving overseas leads to family break up. Make sure your needs are expressed to him clearly.

Good luck!

I am not at all sure where you are at the moment. If you are in Amsterdam, the language should be no problem as everybody who is anybody speaks enough English for you to get by.
If you care to write to me with the specific problems you are facing we might be able to sort something out.
All problems have a solution.

Oh and of course you are not crazy.
You have chosen not to receive messages from other mumsnetters, so I can't contact you off board.

Have a good think about your relationship with your P before this last move. Has he always been lazy, selfish and forgetful? Does it suit him in some way to have you dependent on him? Because the leaving you locked out for several hours sounds less to me like he just forgot he had a wife and child, more like a way of punishing you for not being obedient enough or not prioritizing his needs (or indeed for having stood up for youself previously).

I am so sorry, I haven't checked this thread for a few days and there are loads of messages, argh! The bank thing is now sorted, hurrah!! Some funds got sent to my personal account (we both have a personal account alongside the joint account, but mine was empty due to various move-based expenses), so I can live off that quite easily until I get paid.

The Utrecht move was due to my work, not dp's. He needs to stay in the UK, as he is mid obesssion, I mean pHd , and so needs to stay where his lab is. For some reason we just struck rough on that particular day and no one understood or spoke any English (probably because we were around a lot of children, and in a very dutch area of town). We have managed to get by since!

Dp isn't bad or controlling, he is just incredibly ditzy, and forgets everything, but I never thought he would forget us! We had been out together as a family in the morning, which was why he still had all my things-we had split off after lunch-dd and I heading for the park, dp for the flat. I will never ever EVER relinquish control of the keys or have an empty bank account again though, it was scary! I didn't think to get my things back from him, as I thought all along he would bring them to us if he was going anywhere. We even discussed whether it would be a problem me being without them, and then decided not.

Basically he is a ditzy ditherer. I love him dearly, but can never expect him to remember to stick to arrangements unless I am there to keep him on the straight and narrow .

He still hasn't apologised though, which gets my hackles up. We may forget to pick him up from the airport the next time he comes over . I don't think I could do that to him though.

Sorry re contact probs DutchOma, I'll change my settings now, and thank you for thinking about getting in touch!

Glad things are sorted a bit better now, have contacted you.