Huuuuuuge history with my mother which I won't bore you ladies with. It's enough to say she is a massive narcissist and I'm 33 and still sorting my messed up head out! I decided to cut her off 5 years ago. I get the occasional snippy / wailing / nasty / threatening e-mail.
My mother rang me a few days ago to tell me that my uncle had died last week (last week?!) and the funeral had been that day and it would be 'a kindness' if I sent my auntie a card.
Dp's parents both died with 2 years of each other. No cards. Dd was born. No cards. Dd's Xmas's, birthdays, no cards. From anyone. No interest from anyone on mum's side of the family. What so ever.
But I thought crikey my poor auntie has just been widowed, so I ordered a big bunch of flowers and did the whole 'thinking of you bit' on the card.
She rang me today to say thank you, which was very nice of her, I asked her how she was doing and so on, she then asked me what about my poor mother? Didn't I ever think of her? I was a bit shocked and said that I didn't want to drag her into me and my mums issues, she went on saying, what if it had been your mother that died? Don't you ever think about her? I said I didn't want to go into it, she did that thing where people say they wont talk about it and then go right ahead and do it anyway. Dh had walked in as he could hear me getting upset on the phone, just in time to hear me say 'well you don't know what she did, her husband made comments about my boobs and bum, tried to show me porn and on one occasion when he was extra drunk, snogged me. She knows all about it and couldn't care less.' She was 'oh, okay then you liar' and I finished the phonecall as best I could as I was breaking down. I feel such a loon as I didn't even point out that I was 11 fucking years old when all that happened! My step father was an alcoholic and had a thing for Lolita type erotic literature. Eeeew. Mum knows that too.
I feel like shit. It felt kind of good to say it though. So my mothers family only know what she's told them, eg. my poor old mother is an innocent old lady and I am a horrible cruel cold daughter.
One of our neighbours sons abused me when I was 8, my mum found out 5 years later, and I swear to you she didn't care. She said I might have a word with his parents, then the next day she said oh I won't bother, and that was it. She has told me that I know nothing about abuse or what abuse is (I worked with sex offenders for 5 years!!!) and she is a wonderful person as she is in a caring profession, nursing
Somedays I think that I cope really well and actually I am past this and I am amazing and then something like this will happen and I feel like I am nothing.
I have been sticking to the same story for 22 years. She will never believe me I know. There was a point where if she had believed me and we had built bridges (she would have had to see me and dd without stepdad though) I would have had that relationship rather than no mother at all, which is what I have now. She makes out that it is me, but really the choice was hers. She could have admitted her 'sacrifice' of my safety to keep her husband - that and a few thousand other things. And sad woman that I am I would have forgiven her.
But I look at my life (which is lovely in so many ways) and I think wtf are you doing moaning that you have no grandma for dd?!
Mumsnet is my best mate and I had to get this out, any insight or personal experience is welcome!