Alone in my marriage.

[GroovyGretel]

Last night my dh drank 3 bottles of wine. We shared a bottle before I went to bed at 10.30 ("I'll be up in 10minutes" he said). At 12.45 I heard a crash as he dropped the wine glass he'd been holding when he fell asleep on the sofa.

We last had sex in May. He says that he loves me, but is tired and stressed. I can count our moments of intimacy in the last 12 months on my fingers.

He swears that he is not having an affair and from the poking around I've done, that at least seems to be true. I'm using his work computer at the moment because mine is broken.

I feel so hurt. He would rather be drunk than be with me and it stings.

This morning he didn't remember what had happened "just that you were really cross with me". He did get upset, and I do believe that he loves me, but I feel all emptied out.

We have two beautiful dc and I want to stay married, but he thinks that simply promising to stop drinking will solve everything.

I have spent all day bursting into tears (and telling my dc that I have pmt - which I don't) but he came home from work as if everything was normal.

What can I do. I can't tell anyone else. I need your help.

Oh hun that sounds awful for you. First of all, I am sending bigs hugs.

It sounds like your DH needs help - are you able to talk to him about it when he is sober? It's a huge burden on you to hold everything together while he is struggling with stress and alcohol problems.

It's great that he is promising to stop drinking but the next step is for him to do something about it. Unless something changes about the way he deals with stress, the danger is he will just fall back into his old habits.

Do you think he would be open to talking to a Dr or counsellor? They could maybe help him find better coping mechanisms which would allow him to be more present in your marriage and family.

I am so sorry you are having a rough time.

3 bottles of wine? my god. How was he even able to go to work?

he's killing himself

I know it's terrible when you feel like you are competing with alcohol. I used to go out with an alcoholic - he's now sorted himself out and told me recently that he didn't understand at the time how damaging it was for me.

Is there someone you could talk to - GP? - about the situation even if your DH won't? Then at least you will have help looking after yourself until he is ready to get help?

Sorry, me again. Just remembered that with my ex, I couldn't talk to him overtly about having an alcohol problem because he got very defensive but when I suggested we should see if we could get him help with how stressed he was, it was much easier.

To him, it was less scary thinking about it as a stress problem so he could at least make contact with a Dr who was then able to bring the conversation around to booze.

Not sure how helpful that is but I thought it was worth letting you know

it does sound stress related to me. Some men fall into this pattern - my husband did (and still does on occasion).

Because he finds it hard to verbalise what is going on in his head, he drinks to shut it out and that creates more tension and drama.

So speak to him without the booze. Have you already tried to do this? When you are both stone cold sober and have free time and no commitments, talk about it and put your point across and say this is how things seem to you at the moment. Let him talk and see what he has to say. If he says all is fine then you need to persist and say clearly it is not and that whatever it is you love him and will stand by him (presuming you will).

My DH had a period where he was super stressed with work and felt that I was attacking him about not doing other stuff. He started staying out and drinking ridiculous amounts and passing out or returning home having often driven himself home (way over the limit) and then proceeding to throw things around and wake me up and shout at me. He had no knowledge of this the day after. This was a while ago and we have got over this now but only through me telling him that I had completely had enough and that I wasn't prepared to be with him anymore. Rather than shouting and screaming which I can often do, I was so calm that I actually scared him as he thought that I was deadly serious. At the point where I very calmly handed back my wedding ring, he burst into tears and we made steady progress from that point on.

Don't let him skirt the issue, sit with him until you have properly thrashed it out and talked and talked until you are bored of the sound of your own voices. Make him aware how upset you are and exactly why you are upset and what you are concluding from the state of affairs etc etc.

Don't know if you have tried this all before, but seriously, make it your priority to sit down and calmly explain where you are at and say you genuinally want to know what is going on in his head.

Men are so shit at communicating.

Definitely stress. Maybe something going on at work?
Really do not think it's another woman.
He needs a shoulder to cry sounds of it.