Could you remain with a man for whom erectile dysfunction is the norm?

[TallestSunflower]

I've been seeing a lovely man, fairly casually, for about nine months. He is caring, thoughtful, affectionate, does wonderful things to me in bed (penetration aside) - and has had severe erectile dysfunction pretty much for as long as he's been having sex. He's nearly 30.

I have been kind and understanding and patient, and supported him through getting some specialist advice and testing (at his instigation). His doctors still aren't sure what's causing his problem, but he has been on medication for about six months now and things have improved enough to make penetration possible more or the time than not.

But in the last few weeks, it has seemed much like it was in the beginning again. Just yesterday morning, he woke up hard and eager to have sex, so we got stuck in. Things became lively pretty quickly - and then there was nothing, pretty quickly. He wasn't hard enough to enter me, and the session fizzled out. This has happened a few times lately, including when I've been going down on him (which I know I do well and I know he loves).

I am feeling guilty that I think my patience and understanding may be running out. I'm young, I enjoy sex a lot, and am feeling unfulfilled. But also, I'm finding it soul-destroying when he regularly goes soft when I'm about as hot and horny as I get, and doing my best to please him. I find it hard not to take it personally, even though I know in more rational moments that it's not that I'm a turn-off. But how raring to go he is, I suppose, goes some way to validate how sexy I feel.

I feel glum when I think my sex life could be like this indefinitely.

So, do I focus on his good points and persevere? Or would it be reasonable to end what is essentially a fairly casual relationship anyway because of this?

He is a lovely bloke. I think previous girlfriends have been less than sympathetic about his problem, which I'm sure has made it worse. I don't want to hurt him at all - but I do need to think about me too.

What would you do?

Hmm, tough.

If my husband suddenly developed ED, I wouldn't dump him for it. But this is still a fairly casual relationship and you're both young.

He does wonderful things in bed: so when the ED happens does he just switch to another technique? Is he/would he be alright with the two of you incorporating a dildo into your play? If the answer to both of those is yes, and considering that the medication has helped (notwithstanding a recent backslide) and he's shown himself willing to address the problem, I think I'd stay with him.

But it's not a simple decision, tbh. I feel for you both.

Thanks, tortoise.

Yes, when the ED happens, he does sometimes switch to doing other (lovely) things. But if it's late at night, or a session was destined to be a quickie, it amounts to nothing. He really is very giving and skilled in bed, in all the other ways IYSWIM, so I feel even more awful having an issue with this.

Incorporating a dildo? Hmm. I'm open to the idea of adding this to regular sex, for extra fun, but for it to effectively replace his erection is less of a turn-on TBH.

The medication has helped, although of late it seems to be having less of an effect. However, he can't stay on it long-term and around now (six months in) is due to come off it and have further investigations. I don't know if he's on the case with chasing this, or has forgotten, or the doctors will contact him, and I don't think I can ask because it will come across as though I'm putting pressure on him to get it sorted, IYSWIM.

Hmm. Yes, it's tough.

Yes I think you'd have to incorporate toys into everyday sex, not as a replacement, but perhaps it would then be possible to also incorporate it during ED times? Like - he gets ED, switches to doing other lovely things, then other lovely things including a toy? I mean, once it's a normal part of your sex life it won't be seen as a replacement, iyswim.

I know nothing at all about ED, though, I'm sorry, I'm just brainstorming.

Certainly I'd wait out the further investigations, who knows, it might solve things - and he sounds like a lovely bloke, it's worth waiting a bit longer, I think.

I imagine he realises his 6 months is up and that pressure is not helping ? possibly causing recent issues.

My gut feeling would be to hang in there and see what happens in the next few months.

months weeks maybe

Is there more to your relationship than sex? Do you want more than sex from the relationship? That seems a crucial point to me. Because if it's purely a physical relationship then your frustration is only going to grow and he's only going to get more performance anxiety. If there are other mutually exciting and satisfying areas to your relationship that is a reason to consider continuing together. Not necessarily to replace sex, but to complement it.

Depends how much you care for him I guess. I was in this situation before me and DH became sexually active.

He had suffered ED all his adult life, been to the dr's no reason for it he was younf fit and healthy. I am convinced it was all psychological.

Less than sympathetic gf's in the past won't help plus if he is under immense pressure to please you and he really likes you he will feel the pressure. He may not actually know but it will be there ifyswim. That's not you at fault but he will be eager to please and be picking up subtle vibes.

I have to say, bar the odd exception in the early days we have never had a problem, which suprised me considering he was pretty much having issues all the time before.

The beginning of the relationship say the first say year was when problems happened but it was not regular.

I have to be honest though, from the start we talked about it a lot, we pretty much new each other when we first had sex there was already a huge amount of emotion an love there. He knew I wouldn't fuck off and leave him if it went wrong ifyswim?

I wouldn't have even considered it as by that time I was in love with him, so it depends on how you feel yourself in all honesty. There is absolutely nothing wrong with how you are feeling BTW, but he can probably sense it, which will make it worse as he is already self confident.

I can honestly say having been in this position, for us strong emotional bonds were there. So I would never have considered leaving him, I wouldn't have even thought about it, that probably helped ifyswim.

So now we never have a problem regular sex all the time even though he had real issues getting it up before with others but like I say we did have a few issues in the first year, not huge but still maybe he really needs time to feel at ease with you?

Probably tmi, but do you know if he can wank ok?

I would just put up with it if he is open minded enough to 'explore other methods' and doesn't think that him not being able to put his penis in your vagina is The End Of Sex.

buy some toys, and don't even touch his willy unless he actually sticks it into you. You might scare it.

Have you looked into/talked about Viagra, or similar?

He may feel a bit embarassed going to his GP about it - but it's the reason pharmaceutical companies thought it was worth developing the stuff.

It can also be a symptom of other underlying physiologiceal conditions which he may be unaware of, so probably worth getting checked out anyway.

Does he not use an erection support ring( or even a decent sex toy cock ring) to enable him to stay hard long enough for penetration?

I'd have thought that was the obvious answer if he has no problem getting hard in the first place - the specialist rings have to be the correct size, I've seen them on the Boots website - HTH.
It might give him the confidence he's lacking?

Also, things like ginseng, gingko and pomegranate extract are excellent for genital blood flow, essential for good erectile function.

alexsdad, he's already somewhere along the investigative route. He's been on something like Viagra but not that exact drug for six months. Initial blood tests for likely underlying conditions came back negative. He's due to see a specialist again some time around now.

Thanks for your post, Mal. No, he doesn't use a ring. We've talked openly about ED a fair bit - again, at his initiation. And a ring is something I have gently suggested, but which he hasn't pursued. I've had a quick nose on Boots - I can't find any, though, having searched under as many terms as my imagination could come up with! I don't know if I should suggest this again, given that I have before and he hasn't gone for it.

Helpful supplement info.

Sunflower I understand what you're feeling cos my DH and I are having similar problems. My husband is older and this problem has only started recently so I'm suffering from confusion as to why that is. At least in your case you know your partner has always had this condition so it really isn't a reflection on you at all.

I can't add to what the other posters have said, just to say that you can be sure there are many men out there with problems. Us women tend to think of men as all being sex-obsessed, always up for it, willing to have sex even on their death-bed type of thing. But it's not true. From reading on here there are many guys not that interested at all, or not interested in sex with other people or with much lower sex-drives than their partners.

But I can understand absolutely how you feel when it all goes floppy just when you are fully aroused and ready for action. It's such a let down not to mention quite embarrasing - like getting all dressed up and then the party gets cancelled. At this stage I've got to the point where I don't even want to get started because I'm tired of being left high and dry (not quite the right analogy in this case).

It all depends on whether or not you love him enough to support him through this.

Sympathies, Frog. It does affect the way you feel about sex, doesn't it? And it must be difficult for you, where it's your husband, and you love him and have been together a long time. Not something you'd walk away over, but something tough to deal with all the same.

Interesting point about all men being raring to go. In my experience, they are! And even with this man I'm seeing at the moment, the wish to have sex is there most of the time, even if the erection isn't.

I hope things improve soon, Frog.

SandStorm, I don't know if I do love him. I'm fond of him and respect him, but I don't think I love him. It's not a regular relationship, if that makes any sense at all. He's more a (very nice) friend with benefits, which I realise is a bit ironic.

Hi TallestSunflower, it sounds like you and your partner are pretty desperate about this and it does seem to be impacting on your (casual) relationship.

As a man, I must confess to having the same problem as your DP and have had very similar experiences. It sounds like it is probably a mix of the physical and psychological because for sure you can get erect but unfortunately it doesn't stay that way for too long when it comes to sex. I had the problem at uni and it was a real shock to my self esteem.

Now i take herbal viagra as there are less side-effects (especially when taken with alcohol) and is much safer than Viagra as it contains natural herbs (some of which are mentioned in one of the posts above).I have now found a reliable brand which i know works well for me and i am guaranteed to be hard all night and the next morning as well. There's a lot of dodgy fake viagra available on the internet so i would stay clear of that - i had a bad experience and was in bed for two days with a migraine so now i just stick to herbal stuff. I also bought some herbal viagra which was clearly just coffee as it kept me awake and didn't work.

Firstly i'd get your bloke to go back to his GP and see if he can get prescribed Viagra as that should work. When you say "He's been on something like Viagra but not that exact drug for six months" what on earth has been taking?

I must admit being able to combat ED is the best thing to happen to me and it has definately changed my life, and my DP is pleased as punch with it as well. From being scared of going to bed with a woman i now don't have anything to fear.

I hope it all works out well for you both.

Thanks, bobd1. Sorry to hear this has affected you too, and knocked your confidence. Great to hear it's a thing of the past now.

The man I'm seeing took Viagra initially, but it had no effect, so his doctor prescribed an alternative, which has been more effective (on and off - more off recently). I'm afraid I don't know what it's called. All I know is he takes two spread out across a week, whereas the Viagra was taken in anticipation of sex, half-an-hour or so before. It didn't do a thing to help.

Would you mind letting me know what Viagra alternative you take?

Thanks again.

Hi TallestSunflower,as you ask, i've been using Golden Root Formula from this UK based supplier:
www.goldenroot365.com/

It does make it a bit like cement all night so he might not be able to, ahem, finish. The next day though, the effects won't be as strong.

I also tried their Extra Strong Male Tonic(!)- it was pretty good but you can finish easily with that.

Your bloke might be on Maxidus (it is in a golden box) - that's also a herbal enhancer and in the instructions it said you could take it twice a week, but it recommended taking 1 or 2 tablets half an hour before sex. Although it worked ok for me it wasn't as strong as Golden Root Formula.

Everybody is different and some things might work better for different people. All i can say is that's what works for me.

Cheers