Over to the MN Jury...

[KaoticKittty]

I'm a long term lurker and occasional poster.

After reading lots of relationship threads it has made me realise that I have had enough of my emotionally abusive DH and I am currently making plans to leave.

But, I'd like to know whether this specific incident is me being unreasonable or him? I have lost all sense of persepctive now while dealing with my DH.

We have older DCs and my DH suddenly, last year, introduced a rule with no discussion with me that the DCs friends had to be out of the house by 10pm. DCs have pretty much been complying but there are certain circumstances, for example being given a lift home and inviting the driver in for a coffee to say thanks, when the rule has been flouted and DH has caused a scene. As a result the DCs rarely bring anyone home.

Last night a friend of the DCs came to see me (think agony aunt type scenario) and because of various reasons it was 10.30 and the friend was still here. By then a DC had joined us. DH kicked off and everyone left.

Is he being unreasonable or am I? DH is a "functioning alcholic" and was drinking last night, on his own, upstairs. I am sick of being left at least three evening a week on my own while he does this. I do go out when I want (and that was a hard fought battle) but never have people round because I am scared of scenes like this happening. He has been known to stagger downstairs drunk at random times so it is not just after 10pm that he kicks off.

I am sorry that this is so long but I am trying not to drip feed. I know I need to leave but what I want MN jury to decide is if he is reasonable imposing this time limit?

KK the defining factor in the demise of my marriage was alcohol and since coming on MN I have been shocked at how many other people are putting up with similar issues.

KK picture in your own mind for a minute all the things that will vanish from your daily life if he and his wine glass leave your home

arguments
aggression
humiliating scenes both private and public
the stench of alcohol from him
Staggering around at night to use the toilet
the hole in household income
morose and hungover
etc
etc

To now be free of all this and more is wonderful KK . Use ItsGrace sentence . Start living and free your dcs of this man

Yes Chil1234 my exh left me and I was upset

Not any more though

Itsgrace - yes he did actually do that! I can see him being unlikely to leave.

Chil1234 - that is exactly it. Thank you for pointing it out. It is so difficult when you are actually in the situation. I wish MN had been here 20 years ago, all this time I thought it was me...

Back then, I wasn't allowed out on my own, how dare I expect him to babysit? He hits things and says I should be grateful that he takes his temper out on inanimate objects and not me. He has drived dangerously and then yelled at me for gripping the seat because "it distracted him" and made the manoveure "more dangerous". When I queried the 10pm rule, he said that it was his decision and I had to back him up 100% whether I agreed or not. When he drinks I sleep on the sofa, so that's at least three times a week. He says that he would do that instead but that would mean I am trapped in the bedroom from when he starts drinking and none of us would dare use the kitchen in case he started. His Mum came to stay and he was really rude to her (slamming down a cup when she was talking in the middle of his programme on tv is one example) and then when she went said it was obvious how much i disliked having her here!

Chil1234 - it is as bad as it gets, I have taken a long time to get this far and I have now admitted to friends how bad it is, and my mum (and his - I didn't tell her, she guessed and told me to leave) and they are all supportive. So now it's down to me.

I meant to say thank you to all of you, it is very helpful just writing it all down. Your responses are strengthening my resolve.

oh god KK what an awful bloke so sorry you've lived with this for so long. you are doing the right thing kicking him out, for you and your kids.

He's come home and been completely normal - he will bring it up some time and I am on tenterhooks.

maybe you should bring it up first? if you wait til he brings it up, it's just another way for him to control you.

you can do this.

I will probably not be online more tonight but I'm sure others will be, please keep posting if you get a chance. (make sure he won't be able to read them obviously)

good luck xx

never mind all that

carry on making your plans to get the fuck away from this muppet, and don't let anything derail you

Go for it KK. I never post on these threads but there is nothing to keep you in this relationship.

KK - it sounds like you're with my XP - he did ALL the things you are talking about, the putting the fingers in the ears, the driving to fast, the hitting inanimate objects (and me as well incidentally), the imposing rules, the being disrespectful to his own mother and then saying that I didn't like her ....

If you want to use the incident about the 10pm ruling, you can say - I want to live a life where I'm allowed to make my own decisions, to be part of a couple which makes rules together, and where I am not punished for having people round to MY OWN HOUSE.

I say go for it, too. How long have you & DCs been putting up with this? If you wait for him to say something, he's still calling all the shots.

Tbh, I wouldn't pin it on one behaviour at all - when he promises to stop doing that (and keeps it up for a little while), you can bet your bottom dollar he'll manage to make you think you've no right to ask him to go. Meanwhile, he'll still be an arse ...

I know, I know. I don't think he'll leave. He'll either be sad and make me feel guilty or smash the place up so I can't sell it. How have others done this final conversation? Help.

23 years we have been together. First the kids were small and I didn't feel I could leave, then my Dad was seriously ill long term and I couldn't do everything. I have worked hard to get myself financially to this point and the DCs will be ok - they have no respect for their Dad, they obey out of fear not respect.

You are all right, I know that...

so there have been various reasons along the way, why you didn't leave him

can you really keep rationalising why you stay when your kids are living in fear ?

how are you today KK?

Have just read this thread and wanted to say to KK, there will always be reasons not to leave or kick him out. The longer you stick around the lower your self esteem becomes. For yourself and your DC, do it today. Your DH has never put you first,you owe him nothing.

But warn people like your mum and friends first,and ask them to help if he kicks off. Then you only have to miss call and someone will come to help. He's not going to go quietly.

The mere idea of living with someone who you believe would smash the place up so you can't sell it (thus presumably depriving himself too!) is too awful for words. That isn't how a rational human being behaves. 23 years of it, no wonder you're so ground down you don't know what's right or wrong or how to end it.

This isn't living. It's existing. In the midst of a peaceful country you're in your own little war zone. It doesn't have to be like this. He tells you that what he says is the only thing that matters, that you have to back him up when he unilaterally makes a rule, but he's wrong and you don't have to believe him. He's drunk and nasty and he breaks things and risks your life (and other people's) with the way he drives.

You do not have to feel guilty. It's his sadness (though he might equally kick off and be furious and destructive instead) against that of yourself and your children. Adopt utilitarian principles and go for the greatest happiness of the greatest number.

You're doing the right thing, never fear.

Final conversation - I didn't have one. He came home from work one day and I was gone with DD. It sounds cruel, but I was genuinely scared of what he would do. Obviously I answered the phone and told him what was happening and arranged access to DD as soon as possible.

I don't have experience of how to get someone to leave, but someone else on here might have suggestions.

i think you just have to go... talking wont get you anywhere..

"He hits things and says I should be grateful that he takes his temper out on inanimate objects and not me" the driving thing is so scary too - been there done that...

,,,you know there is a risk that it will turn to you...and it only takes a sudden movement in the wrong direction for your head (or a child) to get that fist instead of the wall...

best is he knows nothing of your plans to leave.

speak to a solicitor for practical financial advice.

then gradually pack stuff you want to take, get a leas e on a poperty and move. make sure you ahve money in your own bank account. etc

it will take time to sort out everything after...he is likely to get mad/drunk/agresiive - you need ot be well away when that happens.