Another Poisonous Father

[silentcatastrophe]

I didn't want to impose myself on TwoTeacher's thread as I'm not in the same situation. My father is a toddler in a man's body. Throughout my life he has had his way through violence and bullying, to the point where life is simply not worth having. I have a brother who married very badly, saying that no-one else would want him. He now has a close relationship with the bottom of a glass.

He and his wife have 2 young children together, and I feel desperately sorry for the children. Their mother is paranoid and their father (my brother) is screwed up. My brother takes no responsibility for himself and is his father's son.

In the broader scheme of things, I am well away from this madness. However I am finding it hard to shake off my father's recent threats that I have to be nice to my alcoholic brother or else he will cut me out of his will. He has also told me to be nice to my SIL despite being spat at by her and being told by her that I was a bad mother.

Right now I am sad and angry and feeling pretty crap that I can never do anything right by my father.

My father is a toxic malicious bully. I walked away from him years ago, knowing I would be cut out of his will and he is worth around 8 million. I dont care. It was costing me my mental and emotional health trying to maintain that relationship, so I stopped and am much happier now. I dont want his money, I never did, I just wanted a Dad who could love and support me, but that was never going to happen. Cut those ties if it is affecting you badly.

He'd probably cut you out of his will on a whim anyway. It's really not worth putting up with a load of horrible treatment in the hope of financial recompense one day. He has no other way of controlling you nowadays so once he's done the cutting off, he's lost.

I am sorry about your brother. You can't live his life for him, but if there's a chance one day he can pull himself out of the booze and want a relationship with you, you could let him know you are there for him.

As for your father, it is sad and crap that you can't please him, but surely you know that it isn't about you, it's about his refusal to be pleased. Any proper parent wants their children to grow up happy and independent. At least you can do that much even if you can't have a parent who can bring himself to be glad of it.

Thank you for your comments. I am now in my mid 40s and am at last in a situation where making money has become a possibility. Both my siblings and I have lived frugally and felt unworthy of having a job that paid. The lack of confidence is crushing and awful. this great ogre on my shoulders is at last falling apart, and I do feel a chink of my own light. It has been hard won, and it feels very frightening to lose sight of it.

My mum has Alzheimers but is ok for now. She loves seeing her grandchildren. My father's behaviour will make this impossible. They are not able to see my brother's children because his wife barely lets them out of the house.She feeds them irregularly and they have rotten teeth. It is terribly sad.

I feel better today. The ripples have rippled out a bit further. Oh that there were no ripples at all! So sad about my nephew and niece. I don't know if SIL is more dangerous than simply being a terrible mother. I know she has some interesting religious views, and is paranoid.