Ex has gone AWOL - when to worry? Please help!

[superfrenchie1]

Trying to keep this short! Please help, I'm beside myself.

I left my ex a few months ago, it was a huge shock to him. He had been verbally and sometimes physically abusive and i was sick of treading on eggshells and feeling completely stifled and controlled in my own house, so i've rented a new place not far away and the kids have been mainly with me but also seeing a lot of him since then. They are 3 and 7. I explained everything to him and tried so hard to always be reasonable. I got loads of support from lurking on this relationship board.

I haven't heard from him since last Friday night, the last contact I had was a text messag sent at 1.31am Fri night/Sat morning saying:

"Bye Frenchie look after the kids for me. Tell them I love them and I'll think of them always"

It's completely out of character for him to vanish like this - normally he's calling, texting or emailing every 5 mins.

Tomorrow night it will have been a week, after which time I guess I should go to the police station and get the police to come with me to his house and go in just to check. I have a key but am way too scared to go there on my own.

Have spoken to my best friends who both said he is not my responsibility and they think he is trying to make me worry. I am worrying.

Any thoughts? Police now? Wait til tomorrow? I could call his brothers who live miles away and see if they've heard from him but dont want to worry them unnecessarily?

Sorry that wasn't short at all thanks so much for reading

has he gone on hols? is he at work?

could you phone round a bit?

I'd ring the police to be honest, but I wouldn't go with them

he just started a new job 3 weeks ago and hates it. i could find the number and try to call them. but would feel silly if he's fine and just ignoring me.

i just dont know whether to call the police today or wait til tomorrow

thanks for reading, it all just feels too much, my mates are far far away and i just want someone to make it all ok, feel v lonely

we'd been together nearly 10 years

Can't you ring round his mates or family?

Why wait? You will only spend another day worrying. I would call his work first, just to confirm if he is there, you don't necessarily need to speak to him, unless the number you have is a direct one for him. Then take it from there, if he is to at work, you will obviously need to get the police involved. I wouldn't call his family as, if this is an attempt to exert control over you, word will get back to him and he will have succeeded.

ok i'm calling his work now...

thank you thank you

Call is work and ask to speak to him. If he's not there ask when he's due back - if he's on holiday they'll know when to expect him in. If they say he's not there and don't know why then call the police.

Let us know how you get on.

let us know how you get on frenchie!

tried ringing his dept - voicemail

got through to receptionist who put me through to someone else - also voicemail

argh!

also again tried calling his mobile and it just rings and rings and goes to voicemail

i will keep trying his work number and let you know how i get on

ok.

he's alive. bloody hell.

got the receptionist to put me through to a differnt number and he just picked up and went "hello?"

then when i said i was just checking he was alright he hung up

i am so angry with him

the kids are desperate to see him

God, I'm glad i rang his work now - thanks to you all

he was supposed to have the kids last night and tonight and all next week as i am at work

so angry with him
have massive headache and cant stop crying

AAARRRGGHH

If you do get through to him, come up with a good (other) reason why you needed to call - one of the DCs has left something at his house or whatever. If he is just playing mind games, don't let him believe you've been worried, i.e don't let him think it's worked. This could all be part of a plan to see how you react - to see how much you care, IYSWIM.

Xpost - glad he's alive but what a tosser.

On the basis of the text he sent you, local police will do a welfare check at his address.

Call them now. He has either done something stupid or is manipulating you into thinking he has.

Call the police (now!) and leave it to them.

I had a very similar scenario with my x. I called the police and they went to his address. There he was, holed up at home, fine and dandy.

coughwankersplutter

!!!!

xposts

Next time just call plod.

So sorry he's put you (and DC) through this, don't let him do it again!

thanks - yeah he's an idiot.

the kids want to see him and can't understand why dad has just vanished. plus, i had to cancel my plans for last night, tonight and over the weekend - not important but that is deinitely what he wants

he hs not agreed to regular contact or anything since the split and just lives one day to the next

he is supposed to be looking after them next week - i feel a bit nervous about leaving them with him but i have to work next week

i was so sure he'd done something stupid, i didnt sleep all last night for worrying

bastard

thanks for all your help. i dont know why i was worrying, he's so not worth it.

oh this spitting up business is all so horrible.

i'm off out now, got a bunch of other stressful things to sort out.

christ you know it ain't easy!

xx

Mine messed around like this for 18 months () ...until the police prosecuted him for harassment. Which it is!

I'd suggest going to a solicitor to draw up a contact agreement to encourage a little more stability for you and DC.

It may be time to limit first person contact with him anyway, if he is going to use it as opportunity to be manipulative (abusive!) towards you.

Well, now he has the hat trick doesn't he? Physically abusive, verbally abusive and now mentally abusive. What a charmer! It sounds to me as though he has decided to mess up any plans you may have had for next week by making you think he had done something to himself.

if it were me, i would keep the text as evidence of what he has done, as well as any he sands you in future. I would also not be trusting him to look after the children as anyone who even pretends to be about to do something drastic, is at least a little bit unbalanced and not capable of looking after themselves, let alone anyone else.

I think its time you took some mroe control - he is playing gmaes here, as you know, to try to control you.

I had an ex do this - disappeared off the radar thinking I would come looking - I didn't even notice. Then he reappeared, raging, ranting about having been "dying" in hospital all the while, which I also ignored.

Can't you move back to be closer to your mates? I'd be thinking about supervised contact with a bloke who is exhibiting these signs of mental instability.

Don't engage with him in future and don't depend on him for childcare. That's his only evenue now to get at you - through the kids and letting you and them down.

yes - have had some advice to email him and explain that we need a mediator to draw up contract for contact etc, send him a list of mediators and say that either he can choose one or i can find one. giving him every opportunity to behave. i find it really difficult to be tough but know i have to.

trouble is, mediators cost a fortune which i don't have and have already exhausted almost all borrowing options in moving out! but i think i have to somehow find this money because need an arrangement drawn up that he will have to stick to

he does walk all over me otherwise

p.s. not eligible for legal aid - i earn just a whisker over the threshold

sayithowitis - yes i'm keeping a diary of all the texts and conversations as evidence - it looks really bad written down. even i am shocked.

msboogie - you're so right i should not be depending on him for chidcare. after the summer holidays i will make sure i can cope myself. still not sure how i will handle next week...