Malinkey

[iso]

Malinkey, don't know if you're around, I'm just wondering how you are are at the moment.

Slinky Malinkey?

Hi iso - I'm ok thanks. In a bit of a strange limbo at the moment as have told H I don't love him and want to separate but we're still living under the same roof until we can sell our flat. I just wish he would move out but he can't afford to and hasn't got anywhere to stay and I can't go with DS because of his childcare etc and I don't want to unsettle him any more than I have to.

So, am just living day by day and planning for the future - have been looking into nurseries where I'm hoping to move to, finding out about any money I'll be eligible for and looking at places to rent. Just so I feel I'm moving on. I'm also starting counselling for myself next week so I feel like that's a positive step.

Just having gone through the really hard bit of telling him and him being so shocked and upset he now seems to be acting as though it hasn't really happened. He did acknowledge his behaviour at one point and even apologised but now he seems to be backtracking and making out like it's just down to 'stress'.

So I feel like I have to keep reinforcing the message all the time - which I obviously wouldn't have to do if we weren't still living together. And I do feel like this might be the calm before the storm.

Wow, those are massive steps.

It sounds a bit like treading water at the moment from what you've written and I'm pleased you're getting some support irl too. It must be a balancing act right now. It takes a lot of strength and courage to do what you've just done and are doing. Sounds like you're beginning to take back your life. You're amazing, Malinkey.

Thank you for your kind words iso.

I'm actually feeling a bit low today (so not quite so amazing) and poor DS seems to be acting up - don't know if he's picking up on it all or if it's just his age! Most of the time I'm managing to stay positive and thinking about the future but when you're stuck in the middle of it feeling trapped sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees. I know it will get better and I'm trying to remember that.

Big hug Malinkey.

You're absolutely right in what you say which is why, on the outside (which is where I am, I know) you sound pretty amazing. I also know though, that when you're feeling low, people saying wow, aren't you incredible can just make you feel more alone for a while.

I hope you allow yourself to stay with feeling low if that's where you are right now. And yeah, maybe your son is picking up on some of it. It would be unusual if he didn't and it's ok and normal that he would be.

I know it's online and we're not there with you, but there are people here reading what you write and what you're dealing with isn't invisable anymore and neither are you.

You will get there.

Very strange day today - H has gone away for the weekend with DS. It's the first time I've ever been at home when DS hasn't been here at night (but I have been away without him a couple of times). The place is so quiet.

Am keeping busy and have got lots of things to do. I'm going out tomorrow to meet some friends so won't be entirely on my own. But I guess I'm going to have to get used to this.