child access arrangemenets after marriage break up- formalised or not?

[aegeansky]

Just asking because I've heard of a case in which someone I know is having a very difficult time as exP (who kicked other party out ages ago) is controlling and manipulative
in terms of the arrangements for seeing their young daughter.

Equally, the other party doesn't have the skill or nous to realise that boundaries are normally set down for good reason.

Even though he is in a new relationship,he went back into his ex's house for 90 mins to read his daughter a story and put her to bed. As he is now re-married, this didn't go down at all well.

there is a space on divorce petition where 'statement of arrangements' is written,but its not law or can be enforced in any way

only real way is through a court contact order

so what is the norm? Just an informal agreement between the two separating parties?

What if one doesn't stick to it, down the line?

My (abusive) ex and I have a Court order for contact and although it was the last thing I wanted as I wanted no restrictions put upon my DD as far as seeing her dad was concerned it has turned out to be for the best. The fact that boundaries have been put in place has meant that I have been able to have space from him whereas otherwise I wouldn't have had. He would have been calling all the time, he would never have left me alone. Now that he has set days and times that he has to stick to he has no choice but to leave me alone! This has enable me to get on with my life and recover very nicely!

As for my DD I need not have worried about her missing out on time with her dad by not having a more informal arrangement as she too has benefited from the routine brought about by the contact order and so has been able to establish her own little social life between visits to her dad's.

I would say where an abusive man is concerned a court order for contact is definitely the way to go.

yes a court order and specified times - away from the homw. kids will oon get used to "two homes one place to see dad one with mum" confusion arises if the ex comes into t the home-espec if has been abusive and it causes tension with ex.

doesnt help anyone.

is much better for all including dcs when contact is on set days each week or on two-week schedule.

There's a lot of middle ground between a court order and a completely informal set-up.

The parents can agree between themselves, iether putting it in writing or not.

They can make an agreement with the help of a mediator.

In my case, we negotiated an agreement through our solicitors, which the court then rubber-stamped as a court order by consent.

The courts prefer that the parents agree between themselves - the parties know better what suits their lifestyles - hard for a court to guess.

So they don't need to dash off to court - it's worth trying the other options first and keeping a court order as an option if all else fails. Court orders definitely have their place, but they can be expensive and divisive and difficult for a non-resident parent to enforce.

So what happens when one parent shows no propensity to focus on the child properly (as in a father who has left to intensify a love affair that was already going on)?

nothing

nothing can force him to take up access that is offered....but should he want it further down the line,is up to him

ILoveTIFFANY, eek, no wonder it all goes so wrong sometimes.