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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Some straight talking needed ...

26 replies

cluckles · 28/07/2010 15:08

Spitting, hair pulling, being called names, not being allowed out on my own except to go shopping (that might mean he has to spend money if he comes with me!) sleep deprivation screamed at .....all forms of abuse ? Why the hell am I finding it so hard to leave? Bad times well outweigh the good.

20 year relationship.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 28/07/2010 15:09

Go....you know you have to.

Have you an escape plan?

Anywhere to go?

colditz · 28/07/2010 15:12

Yes

Abuse

Your children are watching their mother being treated appallingly, and learning how to form relationships based on the way you allow their father to treat you.

Don't say they wouldn't noticed, unless they are still in utero, they have already.

It's hard to leave because change is scary - but - a lot of necessary things are scary.

call womensaid

Original poster
cluckles · 28/07/2010 15:13

Getting there!I am slowly( and quietly) got a bag packed in the back of the car to cover a couple of nights. My car is always locked because he goes through everything. Only temporary places to stay, ie friends etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
cluckles · 28/07/2010 15:14

I thought there was a link or list for numbers like Womansaid on here somewhere but I can't find it.

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 28/07/2010 15:15

Have you got children?
Make sure your bag includes passport, money, cheap pay as you go with new number.

sixesandsevens · 28/07/2010 15:15

What do you mean you're not allowed out on your own? Who made him God?

That sentence says that both he and you believe that he's your dictator and captor, and for that reason he sounds like an abusive, controlling and bullying arsehole.

Have you got friends and family who could help you leave?

scurryfunge · 28/07/2010 15:16

here

Angelcat666 · 28/07/2010 15:16

This is the link for the homepage which should give you the phone number(s) needed.

thumbwitch · 28/07/2010 15:18

here's the webpage and 0808 2000 247 here is their number.

Call them today.

And get out as soon as you can.

Good luck!

Original poster
cluckles · 28/07/2010 15:22

I get 15 phonecalls in 30 minutes when I actually do go out and I have now switched off my answerphone on my mobile so I don't get the "you f**g b*ch " messages. I am scared of him, he is capable of physically hurting me and I think fairly proud of the fact that I am scared - he recently suggested a holiday to include my parents so that I would feel safer with him!

Thank you for the links. I am struggling to get the strength to leave, worn down mentally I suppose. The good thing is that I have been lurking here for ages and am realising how stupid I am to stay in this situation. Also how appalling my situation actually is and that I am not imagining it.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 28/07/2010 15:28

HAve you money? Have you squirrelled some away safely?

You haven't said whether or not there are DC involved - but maybe they're grown up after 20y marriage?

amberlight · 28/07/2010 15:35

You are not stupid to have tried to survive in there. It takes courage, wit, skill and determination to survive in an abusive situation. Never doubt that you've done all you can to get through it so far...but you've reached the limit. He's the one to blame, not you.
Definitely women's aid. They have all sorts of Cunning Plans you can consider in your own time. Don't be in the least surprised to find you need time to think, or may need to leave more than once.
Do expect your dp to suddenly become very nice if you do leave - it's a tactic.
Good luck!

thisishowifeel · 28/07/2010 15:39

Call womens aid...they are amazing. Talk to your GP...there is all kinds of help available.

You realise that you've done the hardest bit don't you? You have recognised and faced up to your reality. That is so tough, and you have already done it. Well done.

msboogie · 28/07/2010 15:39

or very very nasty if he catches you in the act of leaving - be careful.

gettingeasier · 28/07/2010 15:41

"Why the hell am I finding it so hard to leave ?"

Its a 20 year habit chuckles which is hard to break however much you know you need to.

If you've been lurking you know you can give your story a happy ending listen to the others on here and leave him. Soon.

Original poster
cluckles · 28/07/2010 15:42

I have recently started an internet business so although its hard to hide the parcels at the moment ( my poor car!) I am starting to have access to money No children unfortunately but in another way very fortunate !

I like the sound of "cunning plans" - I think I need one!

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 28/07/2010 15:50

One less thing to hurt you with in the future then, if you have no DC.

So - you have money, you have clothes, you have a business, you have a car. WHat's stopping you going?

What exactly is preventing the final step - is it fear? Are you scared of what he might do to you if he finds you? In which case, call Women's Aid so they can "hide" you.
Is there some tiny bit of you that still thinks you should hold true to your marriage vows? Why? He broke them first - he doesn't love or honour you.
Is it just that you don't know how to live on your own? You'll learn and probably have fun doing it.
Is it because you think you are too weak? You are STRONG. You know you have to leave, you are picking your moment - but you WILL COPE.

Original poster
cluckles · 28/07/2010 15:59

Its fear, that I am making the right decision - that I am not just over reacting to things. Then he says something like "I don't call that violence its just a rough up, I didn't punch you I just walloped you across the back with a broom" and the classic "you asked for it". I know I am not over reacting but he puts doubt in my mind. After reading some of these threads I KNOW its classic abusers talk. I keep telling myself this.

I have just read a link in another thread about "Losers" It really sums everything up !

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 28/07/2010 16:04

Of course he puts doubt in your mind - that's part of the abuse.

Try whacking him across the back with a broom (no DON'T!) and see how he likes it - he'd probably call the police on you!

"I don't call that violence it's just a rough up" - WTF?? Sorry. The man is a cretin.

You are sane. It is him, NOT YOU. You don't ever "ask for it" - he just gives it anyway. I bet sometimes you just "look at him wrong", hey.

Leave. There is nothing to stay for apart from more abuse, bruises and probably broken bones. If you want to be another DV statistic, that is a different matter - but you want out, don't you. So Leave. There is every reason to go and none to stay.

whatifihadneverbothered · 28/07/2010 16:26

If your scared call the police, but just get out and go,.You can always phone womens aid once your out, just get yourself safe.

You know you can't stay in this situation it will just get worse.

Good luck

amberlight · 28/07/2010 16:32

Or there are sometimes ways to remove abusive partners from a home and arrest them if they turn up again.
Don't worry about doubting yourself. It's fine to keep asking.

As for him and his "it's your fault" stuff, well I've managed to live my whole life without using violence and terror on someone, no matter what they do or don't do. So can he. It's a choice. Definitely.

thefinerthingsinlife · 28/07/2010 16:34

Cluckles you've made one of the hardest, realising you need to leave.

Take it one step at a time so it isn't overwelming. Ie today ring womans aid, tomorrow, get your things ready to leave etc.

But please do this all sooner rather than later, because things aren't going to get better, they will only get worse.

Just be careful, good luck

ReasonableDoubt · 28/07/2010 16:36

He sounds like a nasty, mentally disturbed bully.

If a friend was being treated like this, what would you think? Read your words back and pretend it is another woman saying them. What would you say to her?

You aren't overreacting. Twenty years of this shit? Woman, get yourself out of there pronto. This man is a dangerous nutter.

gettingeasier · 28/07/2010 19:11

I read losers link too , come on chuckles its there in black and white your H is one of them

Alambil · 28/07/2010 20:57

VERY fortunate there are no children; makes leaving easier in one way...

make sure you get copies of your driving license, marriage certificate, passport, bank documents, house deeds if you're on them and pack any sentimental items you want to keep - he WILL destroy them otherwise.

you will ring 999 if he gets abusive (verbal or physical)? they can remove him for you and get you in contact with their dv unit