Managing separation, contact with kids etc (long sorry)

[snowmama]

Help.

Would really appreciate a little insight from you wise ladies. I have split up from
ex, live in a different town with the children. He drinks a lot which makes him
angry, paranoid and somewhat illogical - now even when 'sober'.

Part 1: Initially, when we moved he used to come and stay over and see the kids.
This had to be stopped when he had a raging incident resulting in the police
being called. He believes this incident was the fault of my 'bullying' family and that he is vicitim.

Part 2: After this incident we had some very expensive mediation (costs incurred by me). Very little progress made, but we agree to have joint contact activities with the kids, as I am not happy with him having the kids alone. We have a few relatively successful meets. They are sporadic - but apparently this is mainly my fault.

• Joint family activities are continuing but probably only once a month at the moment. He determines the schedule.

Part 3: He wants to start having them to stay over. As he is living in a shared house, he does not feel it is an appropriate place, so wants to take them to his girlfriend's. As we have had some
successful joint activities. I say yes, but ask to meet the girlfriend, an address where the kids will be staying and confirmation they have appropriate car seats etc. This is agreed in principle.

Part 4: I try to initiate divorce proceedings. I give 3 options

1. I divorce on unreasonable behaivour
2. I divorce on adultery (I have email proof of relationship with girlfriend from prior to our separation)
3. He divorces me on anything he wants - I will not contest, whatever he says.

Cue, big meltdown - I am trying to blame hime for everything and he will contest the divorce, as it actually is all my fault,
the fault of my employers, my family's fault. He does not respond to the option of divorcing me (I think becuase he knows he would have to pay for that)

He will contest the divorce unless he gets a written confession from me admitting that:

1. my family have bullied him (incidentally, they have supported him personally and professionally for years and are a bit devasted by the way events are turning out). He would like an admission from every member of my family that they damaged our marriage beyond repair.
2. I have lied to him about my work commitments, and that work took priority over him - despite me supporting him financially for several large things.
3. written confirmation that I am blocking him access to the children
4. written confirmation that I am forcing him to take on all costs to see the kids (incidentally the answer to this is Yes! It is his responsibilty)
5. A daily update on where the kids have been, who has cared for them them - so he can vet where they are and who looks after them
6. Other things - I am too tired to rremember

He also says that meet up with girlfriend is off until I introduce him to my boyfriend (... I don't have one).

My response to all of the above is that he cannot have the children to stay over as I feel he is acting erratically, and can continue with joint activities.

I don't know what to do next, I am really tired - and am tempted to just say he can't see us at all full stop. I have no intention
of complying to his demands. Divorce will just wait until the 2 year separation as I do not have the finances available to fund a contested divorce. Any thoughts as to a reasonable response?

He's a prize, alright.

I think you're right to leave the divorce side of things for now. The access issue is the more important thing to deal with.

I would put into writing what you are offering in terms of access to the dcs - this shows that you are being reasonable. Also document the joint activities.

I think it's reasonable to ask for the address of where the dcs are staying and to ensure that they have car seats - I'm not sure you can insist on meeting the girlfriend.

He's really throwing his toys out of the pram. It's hard to have a reasonable relationship when you're the only one acting reasonably, but I'm afraid you have to keep plugging away.

look,you cant pick and choose here...i'll be blunt!!

contact has to be without you. wont work here in this kind of set up any other way.

if it needs supervising...then a contact centre or mutual friend is the way to go....but this will only be short term

you have no rights to meet girlfriend/see sleeping arrangements/inspect car seats etc....otherwise you'll be setting a precedent for him to have same rights over everything you do/buy/take kids to etc...

he needs to pay contact costs....as well as maintenence

no written confirmation of anything....see a solicitor about best way to divorce

cut contact with him to a minimum....

he has parental responsibility same as you do.....neither of you has more 'rights' than the other....you only have responsibility towards the dc,no rights over them at all

in the eyes of the law,you are both equal to each other

Hopefully someone with a wiser and more experienced head on their shoulders will be along soon but for now....
I would say that a father prone to 'raging' incidents that result in the police being called and who behaves in such a deluded, paranoid and unreasonable manner, is in no position to be shouting out his demands.
Whats most important is your dc happiness, so yes they need contact with your ex but I would say absolutely that this should be supervised for the time being.

They don't need the extra stress of meeting his gf for now and there is no need if they aren't living together. Seek legal help and stand firm. I hope your ok?

I hesitate to ask the question as I suspect I know what the answer will be.

...but I just let him go with the kids, even if he is behaving erratically and sees no issue with raging ? What if he gets angry with them ?

who was he raging at?

Incidentally, I don't really care about meeting the girlfriend - it is the least of my worries.

It is simply an example, of where we have a plan set up. It gets changed abruptly by him, and then it becomes my fault - because I won't introduce my (non existant)boyfriend. I feel blindsided and unsure what is a reasonable response..

He rages at me. But in front of the kids, swearing and breaking things (including their toys) in front of them.

He also took DS aside weeping and wailing and saying goodbye as if he was going to commit suicide (which of course he wasn't)...

In that case, its very much a NO from me. He shouldn't have unsupervised contact with the kids. Others may disagree but I have first hand experience of this sort of behaviour, his wants and needs come a very distant second to your dc's happiness. x

so if we take you out of the equation he has nobody he resents around him to rant/rave/swear/ at.....so keep out of contact

a contact centre or a relative/friend could supervise

but i assume when you were together you didnt bat an eyelid about him being alone with them?

agree you need to cut contact. while you were doing joint activities he didnt get you wanted a divorce. you cant guess whtat is in his ehad but clealry he thrives on contact with you and raing etc to get your attention...

he wants to blame you for everything - his problem.

the issue is the Dcs.

are they safe with him on his own?

are the rants/rages ONLY when you there to see them?

if you concerned about his behaviour with children, then set up supervised contact for a few months. eg a friend or relative you both agree to.

did he put his requests for you to confess etc in writing? if so keep for your solicitor.

Contact/supervised is not an option as he won't do it...

ILoveTiffany - one of my triggers for leaving was realising that I did not feel comfortable and happy leaving them alone with him - but it was purely emotional, not based on anything he had said/done against them (although he had threatened to take them back to his home country and I would never see them again - including getting them to pack,say goodbye to me, him ringing the airlines etc) - prior to those incidents, I prided myself on us being a top banana joint parenting type family...

Cestlavielife - yes they have always been safe with him. However, he rants and rages whenever he drinks (I have heard of incidents when I was not there).. yes all of his requests are in writing.

That is just not on! Really awful behaviour. I hope you have their passports with you - and you know you can call the passport office and get a note on their file about not reissuing the passports if he claims they're lost. You can also call the embassy of his country and ask for a note to go on their file for passports not to be issued to him too.

If you offer supervised contact and he refuses it, he's going to have to fight an uphill battle if he goes to court for access. Particularly breaking the dc's toys in front of them - it's just not on.

How old are the DCs and what do they say about seeing him?

The DC's are one and a half and three and a half, and the eldest in particular misses him a lot.

They both get very excited/happy when they see him in person and also photos of him..

.. I had not thought of the embassy's - although to be honest I am 99.9% sure he would not carry out that threat.

contact supervised is not an option because he wnt do it????

well he'll have to.....no parent likes to,but its something the courts order,so if he cant get past that,then you'll be forever jumping to his tune!!

you cant be sure he wouldnt return to his home country....you cant assume it. not with men like this

I think it's fine to go with your gut instinct on the taking-them-overseas thing.

Wow, it's hard. I know you're worried about the expense, but for me, it was worth it to go through a solicitor and get a court order (a year later, I'm still paying off the solicitor with a standing order of £200 every month, worth it for the peace of mind). Get a solicitor who is part of the Resolution network, as they work to minimize conflict. Once the court order is in place, the other parent can't chop and change to suit themselves and to punish you.

Just a thought regarding the divorce - it seems from your OP that things really kicked off regarding contact when you raised the issue of divorce proceedings. Would it be worth considering getting it out of the way and issuing the petition now rather than waiting? Otherwise, it may be lurking in the background as a potential point of conflict again in the future.

He says he will contest it but in reality a tiny, tiny number of people actually do. Just as it would cost you money, it would cost him as well and practically every solicitor in the country would advise him against it.

Suppose I'm thinking it's a bit like ripping off a plaster - issuing a petition now would be the ripping the plaster off in one go approach.

Yes, maybe a divorce with clear child contact setup detailed may be the way to go. At least as you say it is not a potential flashpoint for the future..

... I will look into getting Resolution solicitor... thanks.

of course they happy to see him they far to young to know what is correct behaviour and what is not.....

i do ge tthis - it was one ahrd thing tog et my ehad around - what they want eg my yongest to see dad, versus what is SAFE.

speak to a solicitor, get dovorce rolling and clear contact set up adn agreed - contact that does not involve you.

show solicitor the threats, keep record of incidents eg toy breaking (keep borken toy) and see what solicitor advises re supervised contact.