Do you think a relationship can survive despite the in-laws?

[mummalish]

I do not like/love/respect my in laws, for so many reasons.

I tolerate them, at best.

We see them 2 or 3 times a year, they would prefer more (not to see me, or course, but dh and ds).

I cannot spend more than 24 hours with them, it is excruciating.

Dh tolerates them and makes excuses for their behaviour, I suppose that must be normal, they are his parents, and he doesnt know any better. He would quite happily visit a few times a year for days at a time. I however,cannot. It has gotten to a point where our relationship is suffering because of how I feel about them.

They are not my family (mine have sadly passed away), and we have no rapport. We are so completely different, and it is so painful to spend time with them.

I could spend hours telling you the things they have done/said to make me feel about them the way I do, but suffice it to say that they are not very nice people, and not people I would ever associate with if it weren't for dh.

So what does one do? Can a relationship survive with one partner feeling they way I do about his family?

Depends how resentful you get. Ideally your DH would talk to them about their behaviour, not excuse it.

My dh does not dare confront his parents (this is something we've argued about). He has stood up to them once, when they said very mean things to me on the day my son was born, which was so out of order, that I did not stop crying for days.

They have never apologised, and my dh seems to accept them. The problem is, that I don't accept them and want nothing to do with them.

I can understand that he feels loyalty and love towards them, as they are his family and it is all he knows. I do not expect him to stay away from them, I just want him to understand that I don't consider them my family.

I think because he accepts them, he thinks I should do the same.

Useful book?

mummalish I no longer have a relationship with my in-laws because of some really shitty things SiL and MiL said since DS was born, which, I believe contributed towards my post-natal depression and axiety. They never apologised and even called me an "arsehole" for thinking what they said was out of order. DH didn't do anything to tackle it, and long story short is that I now speak with a therapist every 2 weeks to try and resolve my issues of anger and resentment. I am getting there but it is slow. I do speak to MiL but now only see her every couple of months at the most. She used to just pop in unannounced which infuriated me. I do not speak to SiL at all since her last little outburst a few months ago and don't plan to speak to her again.

I am very resentful that DH didn't tackle them earlier. I practically begged him to get them off my case when DS was just weeks old and he didn't. BUT, I do understand why. His mother is a battleaxe type and always right so if you are around her, it's just easier to shut up and put up - DH has done this for over 40 years so it is all he knows and I can see why he didn't tackle her. I refused to see them so he finally had it out with them when DS was 14 months old - far too late to save my relationship with MiL and SiL, but he did do it which counts for something.

I had got to the point where I knew I would either end up hating him and lose our marriage - which would kill me as I can't even begin to imagine DS not having his Dad there everyday - or I had to do what is best for us as a family. So, we have decided to move away - over 200 miles - to make a fresh start. In-laws currently live 5 minutes away. When that happens, I plan to see MiL as little as possible, and don't plan to see SiL at all. When MiL comes to visit (no more than twice per year is the rule I'll be setting) I will leave them to it and do my own thing. I am extremely angry that it has got to this point, and DH's lack of spine is one of the reasons why - I could go on at him all day every day and end up hating him but probably hating myself more, or I could take my life and change it.

My advice to you would be that you can't change them, but you can change how they make you feel. Do not see them. When they visit you, go out and do something you enjoy, catch up with friends, get your hair done, anything that takes you away from their negativity. They are the ones with the problem and you don't owe them anything and if DH asks why, tell him that you don't wish to be around people that don't respect you as a person and as a mum. Trust me, after a few times, he'll sit up and listen.

I hope it works out for you. Best of luck.

I second everything that everyone else has said. I'm also married to someone who has never stood up to his parents and like others here, my DH expected and relied on me to 'suck up' his parents behaviour (and actually told me 3 1/2 years ago that 'husbands and wives don't stick up for each other if it's going to upset family'.) So since that day and after 12 years of putting up with his parents behaviour, I've not visited the ILs (no loss to me as I always ended up sitting by myself, while they all sat in another room anyway!) and will never visit again. DH now goes by himself. Even when the ILs had their Golden Wedding dinner earlier this year, DDs and I didn't go. It caused a massive row and he said a lot of abusive things, including shouting in my face that I was the one that was 'f*cked up and needed therapy'. Afterwards he was disgusted with himself, especially after I told him that if I was that obnoxious to live with, then he could go live with "Saint Mummy", but now I think he's finally beginning to actually 'get' what his parents have done and even has admitted that his parents have carried out some nasty behaviour towards me over the years. The problem remains though that he's never told them to 'knock it off' with their behaviour, so until the day he does that (and I'm not holding my breath for that!), he gets to 'enjoy' his parents all to himself! The sad thing is though that even if he woke up tomorrow and decided to stand up to his parents, the damage has been done. As BambinoBoo says, they won't change so I'm the one that's had to.

I now only see my ILs once a year (when they delight us with their presence at Christmas!) and I do everything BambinoBoo suggests, I go out and do other things. Everything to do with their visit from the buying of food, cooking and cleaning is now DH's department. MIL still has to show me how little she thinks of me by giving me cr@ppy Christmas presents (last years was a shower puff that by the smell of it, had been sitting in a musty cupboard for years) while giving everyone else nice ones, but now I laugh at her doing that (after they've gone, usually a phone call to my Mum or a friend helps so that we can both laugh together!) but at least I know that's it, I don't have to see them for another year! The rest of the year, DH and I don't talk about his parents at all; it really is like he has a separate life to our family one when he visits them.

I've found you have to be strong and there will be arguments between you and your DH, but if you don't waiver (DH thought I would for the ILs Golden Wedding earlier this year), it might take a while but hopefully your husband will will end up realising that your're a happier wife if you have as little contact with his parents as possible.