Daughter hates H after we told her about splitting up

[Singlediva]

Has anyone any advice to offer me?

At the weekend we told dc about H and me splitting up and said he would be moving out at end of August (he can't go until then but thought we would tell them so they could get used to the idea and he would still be around to help them cope). Ds (10) was upset but seems to be taking it ok now, he is close to H and will find it very hard when he does go. Dd (14) now hates H and never wants to see him again, wants him to go now. She was never close to him and they didn't get on. She has been staying at friends since we told her apart from one night when she came home. Has no problem with me but hates H for the hurt he has caused me and ds. Also I think H may be finally beginning to realise that this isn't what he wants. Help I don't know what to do.

How long have they not been getting on? Do you think it's possible that your DD has seen something or heard something and she's had to keep a secret?

I know your H is insistent that there is no OW, but even his own family think there is, so I just wonder whether it's possible your DD thinks (or knows) there is an OW?

All you can do for now is give her time and be there for her. 14 can be a very difficult age and quite often they are full of anger and attitude anyway. Saying she never wants to see him again is her way of expressing that anger, I don't know what your circumstances are but she may well be feeling protective towards you.

I hope it gets better for you.

Both my daughters told me they've lost respect for their dad (you can see it in their face when they look at him and he's very much aware of it), they also don't trust him which I think must be a very hard realisation if you're a teenager. They must be feeling extra vulnerable.

DS doesn't trust or respect his dad either.

However, all three of them still love him dearly, or so they say. They don't give him any cheek, just 'the look'.

It's so hard but I think if your husband can make a real effort at quality co parenting then perhaps he will be able to make amends. Time can only tell. You get out of life what effort you put into it.

I can remember at 13 thinking my father was a complete twat and treating him with utter contempt - there was an OW, btw. Whilst my mother was very good to my father not trying to affect our opinion of him I do think she was relieved we didn't have our heads turned by father/ow who were trying to buy our affections whilst my mother tried to scrape by financially/cope with cancer. My loyalties was completely with her and I thought my father totally deserved the opprobrium heaped upon him - reality bites.

It's up to your H to build bridges with her and it may take years.

WWIFN - they have not been getting on for a couple of years, typical teenage daughter and father having nothing in common. I don't think she has seen or heard anything as I think she would have said.

Is this extreme reaction 'normal' for a 14 year old?
I am finding her reaction is making a horrible situation for me ten times more difficult, is it a really bad idea for me to gently try to explain this to her?
I have said she may feel better if she tells her dad how she feels as she will currently not speak to him at all and will not even be in the same room.

Singlediva - I think it would be a really bad idea for you to tell her that. She is 14 and it is not up to her to be responsible for the feelings of her parents.

Give her time, but the responsibility for mending the relationship with her lies with your H, not with you, and certainly not with your daughter.

Her reaction is normal. You would fail in your efforts to smooth things over between them. It's not up to you to mend things between her and her father. It's up to him. Have a word with him about it, and ask him to have a word with her, or write her a letter. She'll calm down eventually. I think the more you pay her attention over this, the more she'll resist. Give her space and time. She can't go on like this forever. She's in a state of 'grieving'.

I think DinahRod's post says it all.

Celticfairy101 - I have spoken to H about this but dd doesn't want him to talk to her, this was the condition she made before she would come home from her friends. Meanwhile she is bad mouthing him all over facebook. She stayed at home last night but is way at a friends tonight.

When she is at home she doesn't want to come out of her room if he is in the house, I will take food up to her. This needs to stop doesn't it? My gut feeling tells me it should but I want her to be at home and not at her friends all the time so I'm doing all I can to make it easier.

I don't know what the situation is completely, but I agree with the others. Your DD is grieving, and most teenagers cope by shutting people out. I know this is a hard situation and time for you as well. Your DD will come around, and as others have said, she may feel protective over you and is lashing out at your H and punishing him in some ways if you will by refusing to speak to him.

I don't think you should push her to do something that she has made clear she doesn't want to, which is speak to him. Her not talking to him, staying in her room, saying things about him on Facebook are her ways of dealing with it. The best you can do is allow her to act this way but let her know that if she wants to speak to you about things, that you'll be there for her. Maybe suggest to her to write a letter for him, but she doesn't have to give it to him. It's just a way for her to focus on her emotions and give herself another outlet other than avoidance.

I'm sorry you and your family are going through a tough time, but as others have said, it's your H's responsibility to begin to fix those bridges, and nothing you can do can help that. And I hate to say it, but if anything, if you try to force it, you could end up making your DD resent you a little too. But I really do hope things will work out.

Yes I agree it is not a good idea to force a relationship or a talk she doesn't want to have with him. And I think you should put the DCs first here and ask him to leave home more quickly than planned, otherwise this staying out at friends' houses is going to become a habit. She clearly doesn't feel comfortable in her own home while he is still in it.

I still think it's possible she has put 2 and 2 together though - and it is equally possible that she has overheard her friends' parents speculating in that vein too. She's 14 and will probably have encountered affairs and break-ups amongst her friends.

The other thing is, if this bad feeling has been going on between them for 2 years, I just wonder whether there is any link between this timescale and an affair starting? I may have asked you before SD, but can you remember when you last felt things were really right between you and your H; and when you yourself last felt truly happy? Is there any cross-match?

Can you have a chat with the Mum of the friend she is going to, to see if she can help at all? It might give you some insight into what she is saying to others.

I really do feel for you. You've got your own mangled emotions to deal with as I know you didn't want your marriage to end - and I can quite see that this isn't helping.

But I always think that kids surprise us with their perceptiveness and I still wonder whether she has been worried for a long time and felt torn about it all. This is such a difficult age anyway and strops and sulks come with the territory, but your DD seems furious and I think that's coming from somewhere other than sorrow at him leaving.

divorced parents here too. She is allowed to feel incandescantly angry with her father that he has let her down - things are way to raw to try to resolve them now, your responsibility is to support her not to try to make her behave in a way that any of you feel is acceptable.

Personally I would just say "I understand that you are very angry with your father, let me know if you want to talk about it".

It's a very common reaction , especially in girls aged about 13 - 17. I have professional experience of this.

I would strongly advise AGAINST looking for any sinister reasons for her anger and sadness

good advice here, i would also add that it might be an idea to remind her that shes not the only one in the house who is upset. shes making the whole thing about her - the whole situation revolving around her, and whilst i would be sympathetic, i would also make it clear that not only is her situation changing, but her brothers situation is changing and yours is too. just nudge her in the direction of empathy for you and ds

I can tell you now that I have a friend whose father left their mother after 33y of marriage. My friend still sees and speaks to his Dad, but his older sister has had nothing to do with him since they split up, won't even speak to him. It's been about 15 years now, and their mum has since died - but she is adamant. The betrayal was too enormous for her to get past it - she used to be such a Daddy's girl - and she just could not forgive him for it.

Whatever you do, do NOT try to force a reconciliation. It will only make her dig her heels in. However, it wouldn't hurt to state that she is making your life harder by being so difficult - and leave it at that. Do NOT try blackmail/bribery of any kind - she'll end up hating you for it as well.

(I don't see that stating she is making your life more difficult qualifies as blackmail, btw - it's just a statement of fact).

Custardo said it better too.

Sorry you are going through this

Your daughter is making this all about her, but at 14 - for her - it is all about her

I think there is more to this than the normal Dad/TeenDaughter stuff, but I don't think it's 'sinister' - I think she has seen or heard something that she didn't like, but couldn't really explain, perhaphs even to herself - a change in her Dad's behaviour/attitude to her, to you... an overheard phone call that didn't sit right, maybe he said something she knows to be a lie... who knows?

Personally, if it were me, he'd be out on his arse now. He must have family/friends/work colleague he can stay with. At this time your daughter needs to be at home not staying at a friends place, if she doesn't want to be there when he is there, then he needs to move out. I believe that allowing her to spend so much time away from home, at this time, will damage your relationship.

Thank you for all your advice, it is comforting to here that most of you think this is a 'normal' reaction for a 14 year old. I'm not sure if she has heard or seen anything but I have had a number of conversations with her since we told her and she hasn't hinted at this at all, maybe more will come out in time.
I will take your advice and just give her time. I don't feel H can move out any sooner because of ds, we have explained the 'timeable' to him and he is dreading his dad going, to bring that forward would break his heart, this is making me choose between my dc as they both want totally different things. I have explained this to dd and she has said that because ds is only 10 then I should think about him. She has also agreed that if/when she tells her dad what she thinks then ds shouldn't be around.

Good morning Singlediva. I think your last post is really positive, it shows your DD is thinking kindly towards her brother and that she is contemplating talking to her dad.

As others have said, it's between her and her father. I remember my mum telling me not to interfere in the relationship between my DD and her father when he left. When my own dad left us, my mum reassured my sister that daddy still loved her. When my dad let my sister down time and time again she turned on my mum saying 'you lied to me, he doesn't love me.'

It will work out, just give it time.

FWIW, when we split up my 14 yr old DD and her DF went through a terrible patch and in the end had a row and didn't see each other for about six months.

I spend a fortune on counselling for them to get them back together (!) and put up with loads of s* from him. All to no avail.

Time passed, they both grew up and mellowed out a bit, and now she is the apple of his eye.

With the benefit of hindsight it would probably have happened to a degree if DH and I had stayed together. The circumstances just made it easier for them to reject each other for a while.

Follow all the excellent advice above, take the long view, and learn that one of the differences after splitting up is that the relationship between XDH and other people is not your business in the way it was when you were together. And this can be a very good thing!

SD you mention that this is perhaps causing your H to think again. What leads you to say this?

Can't agree with Frank's choice of the word "sinister" here either. I think it's perfectly normal these days for a teenager to wonder if someone else was involved in her parents' break-up, especially if her Gran and Aunt think it too, as in your case.

Needs saying again, but I really do feel for you SD. What outlet do you have for your own emotions about what's happening?

Good morning

It's good that she is thinking about her little brother and it's good that she's thinking about talking to her Dad. She will need to at some stage or her adult relationships will be even more affected by his behaviour. However, as has already been discussed, this needs to be her choice - perhaphs gently encouraged by you over time - there's no hurry.

As for DH moving out - you know your Son and I don't, but I just want to say that I am much worse in the lead up to things (and I know I am not alone in this, we were discussing it on another thread the other day and I was quite suprised how many other people are the same) so although in your sons position I wouldn't want him to move out sooner, it would actually be much better for me. It has taken me 30 odd years to work this out - now I try not to put myself in this position when possible. Unfortunately it's often unavoidable (sad anniversaries etc), but for something like this - I would ask him to move out ASAP - even though I wouldn't want him to go IYSWIM. However, as I said you know your son, I don't.

My thoughts are with you all working through this.

I don't think her attitude is abnormal at all (although the bad mouthing on Facebook is a bit immature).

I knew 2 sets of divorcing parents when I grew up, both had 2 daughters. None of those 4 daughters ever saw their fathers again. Mind you, the fathers were both very sexist lazy types who took no interest in their children. One of the girls just said "good riddance" as she felt her mum would be better off without their dad.

Later I made friends with someone and she told me she had never met nor spoken to her father since he left her mum for OW when she was 15. She was 30 at that time.

For now, you may have to accept how upset she is and let a bit of time pass. It may just be shock and anger right now. However, some children never forgive their parents, and it may be she didn't get on for a while and now it is all coming out?

Right now she probably needs to express that anger, the life she knows, the only life she has ever known, is ending. She will be devastated.

(I'm not downplaying how upset you are, but she won't have your wisdom of trying to make things less unpleasant).

A bit immature? I'm sorry but I don't agree - although it's very sad that she feels this way and probably quite embarassing for Mum & Dad (who are being very understanding letting her do it, I think I would have told her not to as it's personal to Mum & Dad as well, not just her)I certainly wouldn't consider it immature. How many people bitch on here about their DH's, DP's, DC's etc?? It's no different, except it's anonymous.

Right now she probably needs to express that anger, the life she knows, the only life she has ever known, is ending. She will be devastated.

That's what she's doing on Facebook....

The word I chose (sinister) may not be the best one but it does not really matter .

The point I was making you should not assume her reaction is because of a third party involvement.

It really is a very typical reaction in teenage girls