How do I get my mum out of my head? - Sorry, long.

[WashingLion]

My mum has always been the kind of person to sulk (sometimes for months!) whenever I did something that displeased her. I take care not to tell her a lot of stuff about myself (e.g. I had IVF to conceive my first child) because she's fairly religious and won't understand. Recently, though, I have felt very angry and can't work out whether this is delayed PND (have 2 kids under the age of 3) or something else.

I can't stop thinking about things that have happened in the past like when I got married age 24 and my mother wouldn't speak to me for the first 3 months of my engagement because she 'hadn't realised' that my relationship was serious or when I asked for help because I lived away from home, was doing voluntary work while waiting for a contract to start and so was on the (then called) dole and someone stole all my money. She refused although she knew that I had no credit card etc and no food!! Or when she recently said to me that I have 'done OK for what I could do'. Or when I was going to contest my rubbish grade at the end of university (as did many in my year) but she said 'did I really think that I deserved better?' I came home from the doctor's office with beta blockers and a diagnosis of panic attacks in the last year of uni, but this was dismissed as rubbish.

Everything that she says to me could be taken in two ways. If I ever confronted her, I know that she would say 'how could you say that to me? I have been nothing but supportive, you have really upset me' etc. etc. because I have tried.

I have been on superficially good terms with my mum since I got married (12 years). We live 200 miles apart and this probably helps. I think she is a bit mad in some ways - she phoned me the morning after I got back from a holiday recently and said 'not at church then?' But I am frustrated with the lack of understanding and feel like I have been swallowing my feelings for a long time. I feel angry and tearful and while I know that this isn't the best time to start acting like a teenager (mum is 78), I can't help my reaction to her. This colours my relationships with other people. I struggle with my relationship with my inlaws (who have their own issues) and find it hard to open up to anyone. My mum can talk and talk. I know everything about her life but she knows nothing really about who I am.

How do I learn to relax around her and my family? I still feel they treat me as a child and literally ignore me if I ever have a problem and start to talk about it. I am made to feel like a failure because I don't have a high-powered job (my mum won't tell her friends that I am a PA). I don't have much money but mum keeps going on about the £600 handbags that SIL buys (don't want them but don't understand why she keeps going on about them!!)

I am scared of doing the same to DD. I love her dearly but I feel that the past is colouring my life too much. I realise that my mum probably didn't have the happiest of childhoods either and I feel sorry for her. I have also married a man who cannot talk about problems - possibly because this is what I am used to, I thought it was normal.

When my mum feels bad about something, she takes it out (verbally/sulkily) on me. I bear the brunt of her arguments/interference with my brothers and I am fed up. How do I stop feeling guilty and angry and miserable?

I think it's ok that you feel that way. She sounds like a terrible mother, and you might feel at ease on the Stately Homes threads (I'm sure there's one in Relationships).

Is therapy an option?

Is it possible that this stuff is coming up for you now, because you have children, and that makes you think about the mother-child relationship more?

you know your mum seems very manipulative, ie subtly making you feel inadequate all the time. she is obviously aware you are more than adequate and appears quite jealous of you. An old friends mother had a severe problem with alochol when we were growing up, I remember once she said to my friend that her naturally blonde her was "nice if you like that sort of thing" but "attracted men who only wanted one thing and to try not to pick up any stds". this is to her 15 year old daughter.

i personally believe a mothers relationship is so important. My mum did not support me when I was younger over a very serious incident and it has coloured my relationship with her and everyone else really. It took years of counselling to get past it and realise that only weak people bully and try to run you down. she can get stuffed, how much of a churchgoer is she and how much of a person of god is she to behave this way. My mum was along teh same vein but once when she started about going to mass on a sunday (im catholic) I said that I thought we both should go to the priest to discuss what had happened years ago and seek advice as surely as 2 christian women that was the right thing to do. Believe you me she fairly piped down when she thought the local parish priest would know what a shitty parent she had been.

you seem like a very reasonable person with a good heart, you dont deserve to feel this way and you shouldnt.

Deb

Thanks for your help. I was nervous about posting this as I feel like a bad daughter. I have had therapy - I suspected my problems were blocking my ability to conceive and so I went to a therapist when I was having IVF. The therapy was great but I was worried about being in therapy forever! Maybe a bit longer is in order, though.

If you think about it, you had 20 years of peculiar upbringing with this strange woman; it's not surprising if it takes more than a few weeks of therapy to unravel its effect on you.

ps If she was calling you she couldn't have been in church either, right?

I am sorry washinglion.

It's horrible to have been subjected to an upbringing by a rotten mother.

Do you know what though, you have recognised it, already had some therapy and are determined to break any patterns. That makes you a fantastic human being and a wonderful mother. You are strong and you have survived and coped with it.

I have recently finished a course of inner child therapy, on the nhs, via the GP. I have a rotten mother too. The therapy was intense and very hard work, but the end result is nothing short of miraculous. I am still working by myself on reparenting myself, with the tools given to me. Maybe that would be something to explore for you too?

Go to your GP and take all the help they can offer you, especially therapy, don't get stuck on the anti-depressants for more than 3 months, if possible. Don't try to work out why your mum does what she does and try (hard) not to take it personally.
Here's some tips I've picked up:
1: Ask for help
2: If the conversation is getting heated, perhaps say to her that you are going to put the phone down (soften this with 'I'm a bit tired, tonight' first, if the conversation hasn't deteriorated too far) and then say goodbye - don't get embroiled.
3: Unplug the phone and buy both of you some time to calm down.
She probably needs you very much to sound off at and you're possibly the only one who listens to her, but if you're going to be any use to yourself and to her, you need to set some boundaries and look after yourself first. Be firm, consistent and mentally maintain a standard about how you expect to be treated. The church thing is just said to get a rise out of you - ignore it. Yes, she's desperate for attention and is a bit unhappy - you really can't change that - but you can change how you react to it. You won't fix it, but you will manage it and you will have to keep managing it. It's really, really not really about you and you're doing fine. Good luck.

WashingLion,
Title of this essay
IT IS TIME TO STAND YOUR GROUND
Imho, you have been worn down by her for so long that you are worn out completely. So completely that you simply are not a renewable resource for her any more. Has your love has been worn out?, your care?, your concern?, your empathy? This is not your fault: it is completely her doing, not a failing of yours.

Your obligation to 'duty' to her has been fulfilled so no feeling guilty about setting some serious boundaries around your relationships with her. Ok? Got it?- no guilt. It is a fact: You do not owe her anything.

You matter. You do exist. You are competent and intelligent. Your feelings are relevant. You do deserve to be respected.

To recover from this brainwashing, doormat of the family role, I think, and I don't say it lightly, that you will need to take a break from contact with her. Emotional detachment; do not engage your emotions with her. If you must interact with her, keep it superficial and civil, ...and brief . Learn to recognize "bait" and just leave it alone. What is the point of being angry anymore?-it isn't going to change anything. It may be useful in venting for your own self-esteem validation-you should be angry. In hanging up the duty, you can hang up the anger and misery with it.

There will be stormy times when your mother realizes you will not tolerate her feeding off of you any longer. That is her problem, not yours. If your siblings have anything to say about it, tell them that you have done your duty (you are not going to tolerate being treated so horribly any more), and they can take up the slack if it is so important to them.

For your DD, love her. Nurture her, guide her, promote her, validate her. Never redicule her or be dismissive of anything she says or does. If you do slip and a sarcastic preprogramed crappy comment comes out, admit it in the moment and apologize ("Oh, that sounded really mean, I am sorry, I didn't mean that"). Oh, and hug your dd. My mom would never hug me.

Take care.
Sorry if I sound preachy. I was treated as an invisible person by my mother, then my sister after mom died.
I was on the original Stately Homes Thread -it started in '07 I think. It is a form of group therapy and helped me so much in detaching from my narcissistic middle sister. You will find clarity and validation, and love and understanding there.
Again, sorry I didn't edit.

washinglion i dont think for a second that you are a bad daughter. you are a human being who has been hurt and is trying to live a good life now by addressing that hurt. To be hurt by anyone is never good but to be hurt and feel rejected by the one person who should always love and care for you can damage you beyond belief. I used to always believe that if I had of handled things better or done things differently that maybe she would have helped me and looked out for me. It took me literally years to accept that what happened wasnt my fault and that my mother should have stood by me in the situation. Sadly you dont have to have a licence to be a parent, a licence to have a dog yes, but a child no. go figure. For what its worth I dont think my mother is a bad person, I still love her but it took years and years to get to that stage. My point really is is that things that have caused very deep pain and hurt over a number of years will sometimes take the same amount of time to heal and that is how it should be.

i hope you are ok and can start to accept that the issue here is with your mother and not you. nothing you have done or can do will change her, she is who she is mores the pity