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Original poster

how do you deal with PIL constant criticism?

44 replies

happygilmore · 27/07/2010 14:22

DD is only a few weeks old but this is already starting to get on mine and DH's nerves!!

I knew that when we had children you have to develop a thick skin but it's so relentless when we see the PIL. It feels like we're defending every parenting decision we make for the whole time they're here and it feels exhausting and unnecessary. We're fairly relaxed parents so it's not that we're taking their comments to heart, it's just so bloody irritating being questioned over every little thing, and as she's so small still I fear that it'll get worse as she gets older!

For instance - we're constantly criticised for over feeding her, rushing to console her too much, worrying too much, changing her nappy when we should just leave her, covering her pram in the sun etc etc. I completely appreciate that they did it differently (fair enough) but still they go on and on - every time we pick a bottle up to feed her, for instance, they start with - "surely you're not feeding her again", "she can't possibly be hungry", etc etc

The jokey brush it aside comment doesn't seem to work, I've tried ignoring but they still continue. DH has said several times that we're just doing our best but they still continue.

Would be good to hear others' experiences/tips!

OP posts:

Original poster

happygilmore · 29/07/2010 17:43

I just hope I'm not like this as a grandparent!

OP posts:

Fizzylemonade · 29/07/2010 17:55

When I was pregnant my MIL said well don't ask me for any advice because I can't remember anything as it was so long ago for me...

That didn't stop her consulting her Baby Diary from when she had my DH 30 years previous.

She told me I was feeding him too much formula, even though I READ the box out to her about recommended guidelines that I was following plus he was gaining weight staying on the same percentile.

My response was "well why don't you have him for an entire week and you change his feeding habits to what you think they should be then return him back to me"

Could literally hear her running for the hills

We went down the direct route and DH confronted them telling them that their comments although well meant weren't helping. He even went as far as to question their knowledge base, bless him, when FIL (man who has never changed a nappy) tried to make out he knew about parenting.

It is very hard, we have had 2 major rows with them over it in the 7 years since I had ds1 but luckily they have chilled a LOT and are really good now, especially my MIL who despite initial hatred of me is particularly lovely, there is hope

anonandlikeit · 29/07/2010 17:58

Just tell them its always easy to blame the parents

Original poster

happygilmore · 29/07/2010 18:32

indeed anon

OP posts:

lindy100 · 29/07/2010 19:30

My MIL, who means very well, told my 6 month old daughter - not me, though dd was sitting on my lap - that I was 'nasty' for BLW, as I was teasing her with food she couldn't eat

lindy100 · 29/07/2010 19:30

And I bf too often

lindy100 · 29/07/2010 19:31

...sorry! according to MIl, she couldn't possibly be hungry. And I shouold have given her bottled ater every time she was thirsty. Hmmm...

BambinoBoo · 29/07/2010 22:22

MiL & SiL called me an arsehole for following government guidelines such as buying a new mattress for DS' cot and not using the same one that her [Sil's] children had used. They also said I was a cruel mother for putting DS in nursery from the age of 1 (he loves it there).

We no longer have a relationship.

Igglybuff · 30/07/2010 06:53

Bambino that is so rude. How could they be so rude???

BambinoBoo · 30/07/2010 09:10

Igglybuff they are very ignorant and moronic. They made a dig at everything I did and if I disagreed, they laughed in my face. I remember MiL accusing me of making up that DS had runny poo because she said "he was fine when I last saw him". Other highlights include: "give him [DS] water, he is thirsty". I kept saying that he's a winter baby, we are the UK, it is freezing, so he doesn't need extra fluid. I was told that I didn't half talk rubbish. SiL also said that when she had her babies, she didn't just sit around and got on with things. I had an EM-CS after a 40 hour induced labour + a 6 day hospital stay as DS was on antibiotics, and I did not sit around, I just asked DH if he would hoover as we have a massive Dyson.

Best one from MiL when DS was 6 weeks. "He needs toys, the poor little mite is deprived". Anyone that refers to your baby as a poor little mite may as well stick a knife in your stomach and twist it. I sobbed for days after that one thinking that I was a bad mum.

Seriously, even thinking back now I half laugh but half feel really sad. You are just learning how to be a mum on very limited sleep and you need support, not constant criticism. As I said on another thread, I am sure their behaviour contributed to my PND and it definitely knocked my confidence so much so that 19 months later, I am still affected by things they said. On the plus side, we are moving 200 miles away soon.

Original poster

happygilmore · 30/07/2010 10:14

The overfeeding thing seems to be a common theme doesn't it!

Bambino that is awful

OP posts:

BambinoBoo · 30/07/2010 10:22

It was awful happygilmore and I let it go on much longer than I should have.

Best advice I was given when the PILs started was to move and I'm finally doing it. That is my advice to anyone now - MOVE A GREAT DISTANCE

Chrysanthemum5 · 30/07/2010 10:32

My FIL told me when I was pregnant that I would be overwhelmed by advice once the baby arrived and the best plan was to listen, smile and thank them for the advice and then do what I thought was best. He said he was telling me that because he knew he would not be able to stop himself commenting on things and he wanted me to feel free to ignore him .

To be fair, my ILs really don't give much advice or make comments. And if they do we listen, take the advice if we think it is good or ingore it. My MIL tends to just tell me how well we are bring up the children, and how great they are.

Since your ILs and parents in some cases seem determined to complain about how you are doing things I would be blunt. Ask them how they would have felt if people had commented on how they raised their children. Or simply tell them that you are the parents, and you are the best people to make decisions for your child.

colditz · 30/07/2010 10:36

To be honest, I'd just pick up the baby and go up to your room. they'll soon work out that you don't want to sit and be criticised.

Original poster

happygilmore · 30/07/2010 10:43

Bambino yes a bit of distance is not a bad thing!

Crysanthe your FIL sounds quite funny actually!

colditz - I think the funny thing is they actually think they're really supportive, they don't think they are critical of us at all. In fairness, they're like that with us over everything, not just dd.

OP posts:

colditz · 30/07/2010 10:49

In their heads, you are 12 and this 'having a baby' thing is just a phase.

I'm sure that's what my dad thinks of me, and I am 30.

Katisha · 30/07/2010 10:50

The thing I have realised about MIL is that she is not realy capable of normal conversation, so everything anyone says has to be met with mild disbelief, questioning and an account of what she used to do on such an occasion. It's wearing, but it's the way she talks.

Me : Would you like a cup of coffee?

MIL : (apparent surprise) Oh! Do you ALWAYS have coffee at this time of day? I suppose you young folk are drinking simply gallons of it all day long. No I had one earlier thank you. Well (peers at clock) I suppose I could have HALF a cup. Are you sitting down with it? I won't have one unless you are sitting down with yours.

(I never "sit down" with coffee, I just chug it)

It's exhausting, and means you stop wanting to say anything at all, but probably not meant as criticism...Maybe OPs PILS are similar.

Chrysanthemum5 · 30/07/2010 10:58

happygilmore - FIL is a very strong willed opinionated person, fortunately so I am and he knows that! I thought it was kind of him to tell me to feel free to ignore him, and he is an amazing grandad.

I know I am very fortunate in my PILS, and I let them know how much I value their role in the DCs lives. I am active about the PILs having time on their own with the DCs because I think they need to have a relationship with each other that doesn't rely on me or DH. But I can trust the PILs completely to look after the DCs, and they raised three confident happy children so I know they are pretty good at it!

dreamworld · 30/07/2010 11:22

I took Aethel's approach in these situations. MIL used to take me aside every time we visited with dd1 and ask in a loud theatrical whisper "Is she off the breast yet?" DD was something like 3 months old when she started asking me this. I used to reply with "I'll stop before she goes to school." MIL was a bit shocked but it shut her up, until the next time. Quite fun really.

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