Waiting out the early years.

[thegraylady]

I have read that the very early years of your children's lives are when you are most likely to separate, and I am worried that DP and I are heading for being another statistic.

My question is, does everyone have a rough time in the early years, if I hold on till they are older will DP and I get better ?

Not everyone has a rough time in the early years.

One of the biggest hindrances to enjoying your family when children are very small is believing that your life should continue as before and that having children requires only minor adjustments. That is one of the biggest myths going, IMO.

What is going on in your family?

We have two DD's 4 and 15 months...

I do agree in part with what you said bonsoir I think that it's just a case of adapting to the situation rather than making adjustments. Evolving is the key I reckon. And you both have to be prepared to do that.

We have big ups and downs but fundamentally we both enjoy our children and each other - that has never changed. It gets a bit lost sometimes; just never get bored of trying to find it.

I would say it probably depends on the nature of the problems you are having.

DS is 22mths and I'm halfway through pregnancy 2.0 and me and DH have certainly found it difficult but it's more to do with stuff like being tired all the time because my son never slept, me adjusting to being a SAHM, me being pregnant again and being even MORE tired! Sex life stuff has come up recently because my libido always tanks in pregnancy. Basically, stuff that you can trace directly back to the consequences of having these extra things to do. We don't have any problems with being together generally or loving each other...

thegraylady, I'm sorry to say that in my recent experience, that tendency has now shifted. I think it used to be that a lot of separation took place in the first year or so, but now, it's happening to several people we know with DCs in the range 7-10.

This may be coincidence, of course. But in any case, please don't worry about statistics like this. Every family is different, and each stage is more of less challenging to family units depending on all sorts of circumstances.

Please try to enjoy the lovely early years stage and not fear it.

what bonsoir says. life changes when you have children but they should also invigorate and lighten up your relationship, making you bond as a family, watching your offspring grow up, bearing traits of you.

Like squitten my child is 20 months and expecting my second in 8 weeks. This pregnancy has been tough on us, less time, less sex, less dinners cooked, less sleep, etc. He felt colded and it all blew up and we are sorting it out.

We are parents for now but partners for life!

Can you have your dc babysat by family? Do you have any help? Can you make time for the 2 of you and reconnect?

You have to accept that life changes - Bonsoir is right, if you try and carry on as before and expect nothing to alter then you are setting yourselves up for a fall.

We have DS who is 2, and I'm 5 and a half weeks pregnant with our second. DS has only been sleeping through for 3/4 months so we've spent the last nearly 3 years tired and will be tired for some time to come I expect!

Where do you feel things are going wrong for you?

No personal relationship left between us. By his choice we sleep separately and we argue constantly over little things. When I ask to talk things over with him he deflects or just refuses.

We had two DDs, with 15 months age difference. They are now 4 and 2.5, and mine & Dh relationship is pretty crappy, tbh, but there's no way it's all down to the kids.

I agree with everyone who said that you have to be prepared to adapt to your life changing.

One thing that makes a huge difference is sleep, DD2 didn't sleep through till she was nearly 2, and things did become better once we weren't all so tired. I don't think many people can show the good side of themselves when they are constantly tired!

thegraylady - that doesn't sound like just early years problems, it sounds like your DP has already left the relationship in his own mind. If he won't talk to you then I don't really know where you can go with it. I'm sorry he's being so obstructive

Sounds like he has already gone.

what do you argue over? who does what?

if you have two normal healthy children and you together/he havent adjusted to having children, then it might not happen...

kids get easier in some ways (dependence, sleep) but harder in other ways as they grow. there will always be an issue to deal with - but it sounds like it isnt the dcs the issue here.

I do not agree with Theyremybiscuits, it does not mean that he is gone. We have separate bedroom too, and our DS is 17 mo. But we had separate bedrooms like for the last 5 years. We do work together though, altho not all day,. so giving each other a bit of space is good. Plus he snores, and I do not I hope , he likes hot thick duvets, I dont, he closes window at nigth, I dont, i like to read b4 go sleep, he does not plu he is a light sleepr. And we do have decent relationship. It really goes down though if I have not had enough sleep as then I get so irritable and snappy, and my DH gets snappy at me in return.

I think you need some help thegraylady. We had our own business, AND a baby, and NO HELP till he was 3 mo, we were on the verge of breaking up, as there was no help apaert from a cleaner twice a week. Then we decided to get baby sitter, things improved drastocallY! then my DS does not sleep thru the night too, and have to work from home, so we decided to get an au pair, its just brilliant..
the point is: you are just over tired, both of you, you need to get help from firends and maybe your PIL, only if they are not gonna complicate things. Mine would, so we keep them at bay

let us know how things go

i am sure you will sort things out

Try and break the cycle now:

www.amazon.co.uk/Love-You-But-Not-Relationship/dp/0747585520/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=12802624 35&sr=8-1

Think of your love like a bank account. The more you bicker and snap, the more you take out. Do kind things, even if it's only you and you think he doesn't notice. It will make an impact and things will change. Do not let this slide!

Make the effort and get a babysitter, go out just the 2 of you.

We did manage to do some talking last night, and I tried to keep calm and be positive, but he seems to have a strange view that everything is rosy. He tells me he is happy so nothing to worry about, we have lovely home and kids, everything fine. I say, but I am not happy, but that does not seem to count. I realise he never mentions me in his list of why everything is fine.

It is a start to talking at least. But I am not sure if I have enough left "in the bank" to turn things around. There is a lot of hurt to forgive on my side.