15+ yrs married kids don't fancy dh and maybe I never did

[helpwhatdoIdonow]

He is nice to me and a good father to our kids and we get on very well as friends but that is it. Have sex because I feel it is my "duty" but there is no passion there and I think we married too young because he liked me and I thought that was enough. I feel I am grieving the passion I've never had. I have fancied other men during our marriage but stayed faithful as I do care deeply about him and could not hurt him. Have others tried Relate? Dh not keen on counselling At All (I had some for various issues and it helped me but he says it is not for him). Also how can we rekindle a spark which wasn't there in the first place. He makes no effort in the romantic side of the relationship and never did from the start. Even though he's always said he loves me. I feel I desperately need some passion in my life but cannot sacrifice dh and kids for this, but then I will always be unfulfilled I think. I feel sad. Call me selfish if you will but I don't think I am as I spend all my time meeting the needs of my family while mine go unmet. Have tried talking about him being more romantic so many times, organising time together myself, but it is always one-sided....

You must sit him down and drive it home to him how important it is that you need him to be more affectionate.

Ask someone to baby sit regularly so that you can go out for meals, cinema, concerts etc, just the 2 of you.

Be very directive with him about being affectionate too. Kisses before he goes to work and returns home. Hand holding when out and about.

Get the kids to bed at an appropriate time every evening so that you can veg out on the sofa together, with his arm round you. This can also be talking time.

Be kind to him, and let him be kind to you.

Definitely get in touch with relate for couples councelling. They specifically deal with this problem, of couples struggling with their sex lives. If he is a good friend to you, he will want to work o this and see you happy.

Start with small steps regarding being kind and affectionate. The little bits really matter.

And also ring relate now!! Give it your best shot so that you can say you tried your best.

If the spark isn't there then it isn't there.
You need to separate out any lack of emotional closeness with the physical though.
You can't expect honeymoon passion after 15+ years but youc an expect a decent sex life.

But if you simply don't fancy him, all the talking and romantic gestures in the world won't change that.

Maybe have some counselling to re-think this as well as giving you the courage to start over?

Sorry help but I agree with pp if you dont fancy him that cant be manufactured particularly if its always been the case

I have a friend in rl with this exact situation and its so difficult

I would go to counselling , on your own if necessary, so that you know you have explored every avenue to save your marriage and you did everything possible.

I also have a friend in RL who has gone through this, though she did start out loving her dp, but the years of all romance and effort (including making the effort not to be hungover or mashed on her birthday) coming just from her killed that love.

True, you can't expect teenage feelings anymore (though who would constantly want that up and down insecure feeling in everyday life where you need to be responsible to help dcs and hold down a job?), but you do need to feel you are valued.

The relationship ended recently after he found out she'd been having an affair with someone who 'got' her at last (I was very down on this, having been on the receiving end of one, but also because as a bystander I could see the new man was actually very unsuitable - still gets ex living down the road to do his washing though she was just blinded to this after being so romance starved for years).

Point is, her ex and friends and family now can't see it was all his fault, all they can see is the affair. Sad, because she tried to tell her dp many times about her unhappiness and even tried counselling but he didn't listen. When she started to get truly depressed by it she turned elsewhere. Now she shares parental custody with someone who hates her.

Feel free to use this tale in talks with him to drive home how serious the matter is, because it is a route you might end up going down. But if nothing can be saved, get out before you turn elsewhere. Otherwise, sadly, you will be forever labelled the bad guy.

Will see if he will do Relate although not holding out much hope as he hates counselling! I've tried countless times to talk to him about being affectionate. He'll make a half-hearted effort for a day or two maybe then back to square one. If I want to go out with him I have to organise it all and it just makes me feel like why I am the one making all the effort here. All he wants to do when he is not working is sit at the PC. Kids take a while to settle at night so we only have 1 or 2 hours free. I have to practically twist his arm to come and sit on the sofa with me. Not very flattering I can tell you. I may have put on a little weight after my pregnancies (which I am working on losing) but I think I am attractive enough!

Lately I have started hanging around in adult chat rooms just to get some male attention. I figured it was safer than trying to attract any in RL. I know its wrong but it helps me feel alive. I don't want to cheat on my dh.

Thanks abedelia just read your post. I don't want to cheat on him. I have no desire to hurt him or my kids.

bumping for advice about the chat rooms...

Oh help... you sound just like my friend did 6 months ago, and for all the pain I have been through (fyi, our relationship was great - H was just a selfish git going through a big life change, hence escapist affair, but is now a new man and much better person), I completely understood why she had done it, even if I couldn't condone it.

You need to sit him down and lay it out. As in 'I WILL leave you, I am NOT kidding' - even tell him about the chatrooms... Tell him it is up to him to save it or let you go and you can carry him no more - he actually has to get off his bum and make the effort. It's his choice - but you have to offer him it.

I could have written that about my relationship with my husband.

It is brilliant appart from the fact that I just don't fancy him. There is nothing I can think of that can change this. I too have really fancied other men but would never be tempted to do anything because I do really really deeply love my husband.

I have just accepted it now. In the back of my mind I htink it is sad and wrong but I am not going to do anything becuause everything else is perfect.

I could go off and meet a really passionate man who I fancy the arse off but he would probably turn out to be a bastard so not worth it.

Sorry I have me me meed all over your thread. just sounded so familiar and honest to me.

No advice cos I can;t advise myself