Shit and bugger - both parents in a right state - help both practical and suggestions needed please!!

[Helium]

Hello,
I am cutting an extremely long and involved story VERY short.
The basic situation at the moment is that my Mum is abusing sleeping tables (I think) - she has commented that she uses them so that she can be unconcious from as soon after work as possible to the next day to go to work (to avoid being anywhere near my Dad and not to have to think).
My Dad has said via text that he's finding it difficult to cope, knows what he has to do but lacks strength and has made suicidal type threats/comments.
Bit of background: their marriage is a complete disaster and has been for 25 years - they dont talk at all there is absolutely no way back. They both make each others life hell (but particularly my Dad to my Mum). Two summers ago I 'shopped' my Dad to his GP for being depressed (he doesnt know this) but he presumably faked his way through questioning/referral to intial counselling. Last summer he went off out of the blue to chase an old flame (didnt tell us where he was going etc) - and this didnt work out with the lady. Then had a bit of a breakdown (but I'm never really sure what that actually means so not quite sure). He lost his mother at Christmas and found out she had left her estate unequally between him and his three sisters (the most evil vile of the 'children' getting the most - though thats another story). He was massively humilated and hurt by this. Then My Mum lost her mother about 6 weeks later.
SO here we are again - summer looming and my sister ringing me to make sure they are both still alive (she isnt local).
Help - what do I do? I can only think that ANYTHING I do will make things worse? Can anyone advise???

TBH, I think you have to just keep out of it. They both know that their relationship is cr*p, but don't want to do anything about it for whatever reason.

The more you respond to all this (assuming that once you have said that you will help them find new homes etc if they split), the more destructive it is to you - and nothing you can do will fix them - cos they don't want to be fixed for whatever reason

I have a friend whose parents are much the same, and as he, and his wife are continually sucked into his parents frequent spats and crises, it has done their relationship real harm. And the crises seem to occur with suspicious coincidence to special events in their lives

Thanks for your reply. I think I was looking for some sort of tick list of things I should have/could tried/try? I feel like I've been trying to offer help for many years but to no avail. Some of my motivation is selfish (if either one of them or both kill themselves I want to feel like I at least tried). Also I am exhausted by this and have been for 20 years now. (I'm 30). Sounds selfish but they just dont seem to be able to figure things out for themselves and suck everyone into their misery. GARGH!!!

Would your mum benefit from a break away for a week or two?

Does either of them have a friend in whom they might confide?

I'm sorry - it sounds as if you are in a hard position. I don't have any hugely practical suggestions, except to say that when I supported my mum and stepfather through their breakup, I would have given my eye teeth for a sibling with whom to share the weight of stress and emotion. I'd say establish a real strategy of coping mechanisms between you and your sister. Even though she isn't local, she is the other person who knows the situation as well as you do, and she will be a massive support if things get worse.

It can't be healthy for your mum to be knocking herself out with tablets every night for the sole reason of sleeping unconciously every night.

Not only is there the big risk of dependency, and the damage which comes with that, but what if there was a fire or something?

Could you 'shop' her to the docs?

I really don't think there is anything you can to to help their relationship - all you can probably do is support them as two very seperate people (hideously hard, I know)