Female opinion needed

[EngineeringMike]

Hello,

I'm a man asking for an opinion on my relationship. I've been with my girlfriend for a long time. We moved in together and almost immediately things went wrong. Her dad died, and we were just miserable for two years before we split up.

Since then, we've moved to different towns but still in contact. My ex wants to get back with me, and I'm unsure. I see only two futures. Marriage, or splitting up 100% with very little contact.

I visited my ex at the weekend and we have a nice day. When we get back to the house, there's a problem with the boiler and she gets all upset, starts to cry and panic.

Her problem (as I see it) is she gets too upset, too easily. Now, I think I'm fairly patient and understanding, but these events seem like storms that just have to be weathered. I try to comfort her and try to find a solution.

Rationally, and selfishly, I tend to think that it's something that won't change, and my life would be happier if I found a partner that didn't go so upset, so easily. My parents take this view and tend not to like my ex. However, I care deeply for my ex.

We're not getting younger, it's unfair to keep her hanging on, but I seem to be too indecisive to make a decision either way.

Any thoughts?

Has she always been the type to get son upset so easily or has it got worse since her dad dies and you 2 split up? Maybe she hasn't yet grieved her losses properly? Maybe she only wants you 2 back together as it's familiar and you're someone who knew her dad?

Has she had any type of grief counselling?

If she has always been easily upset then I don't know what to suggest.

If you have serious doubts about your long term future I would think it best all round to walk away.

Do you really want to be with her!

Have you dated anyone else since you split?

Thanks, I think it got worse since her Dad died, but that was three years ago. She never had grief counselling (I wish I'd encouraged her, perhaps I still can). I suspect though that the getting upset has always been there, but I wasn't there to see it. Her dad died two months after we moved in together.

She sounds like awfully hard work.

You say that you 'care deeply' for your ex. That's not the same as being in love with her.

What is good about being with her? What are the positives?

It sounds to me very like a previous relationship of my partner's. She was apparently a very interesting, lovely and nice person, but the chemistry of them together just wasn't right - they brought out negative qualities in each other, i.e. over-dramatisation on her part and withdrawal and non-engagement on his part. He isn't like that with me and I am sure she isn't like it with her new partner - they just weren't very well matched as a couple.

People always say that you have to work at a relationship and that is true. What very few people mention (and nobody told me!) is that it isn't meant to be HARD work. It's work that you enjoy, that you want to do.

Being with that person is meant to make you feel happy, safe, comforted, liked, loved, respected etc FAR MORE often than it makes you feel anything negative.

You say 'we're not getting younger' - forgive me if I'm wrong, but is there a part of you that feels that you don't want to end up alone and what if this is your chance for companionship?

It seems to me that if you are indecisive about wanting to be with her, you have already made your real decision, and something is holding you back from saying it aloud. Could it be fear?

Fear of hurting her?

Fear of being alone?

Surely a marriage should ideally begin with a feeling of certainty that you want to spend your life with this person? If fear of something is the reason you are not walking away, that's understandable, but it's not a good foundation for a relationship.

Obviously this is just one perspective and what I've said may not resonate with you. But I think you need to be fair to yourself and to her, and that means honesty. This shows the most care and respect to her, and to yourself.

Good luck - it sounds like a very emotionally charged and sensitive situation, and I hope that you find your way through these feelings and thoughts as painlessly as possible.

Mumfun,

I did date someone else in the meantime. She was great fun, but for some reason I couldn't cut off contact with my ex, and had to tell my new girlfriend (we were only together a few months) that I hadn't really resolved my issues with my ex. I didn't want to hurt two people.

Does it have to be all or nothing? Can you agree to give it a try, but take it very very slowly? No moving in, talk of the future etc just take it one date at a time.

Wordweaver,

I think there's some truth in what you're writing there. I see a lot of my friends getting married, having babies (I'm 30, so not old by any stretch of the imagination).

I supposed I'm confused by what love is. When I met a new girl, there was a rush of emotions (the first flush of love and excitement), but with my ex, the bond, even if it's less exciting, seems stronger.

I should add that my ex is from another country, and her family are all abroad. She's quite shy, and so I'm her main friend here.

She could well have depression. Sometimes a traumatic life event like bereavement triggers it, or makes a lifetime tendency worse. With depression the least little thing is likely to tip the sufferer over into tears and every disaster seems somehow personal. Counselling and/or anti-depressants may help.

She may also suffer from low self-esteem, and the panic when something happens like the boiler blowing is because she doesn't feel able to deal with it, even if, in actuality, she is quite capable. Again, counselling may help - a supportive partner may help - but you may have to accept in the end that this is the sort of person she is, one who is emotionally affected by things which you see only in terms of a practical problem.

For that matter she may have to accept that you are the sort of person who just doesn't get why she reacts emotionally when you don't. You may have love and patience, but do you have empathy? I don't mean you aren't nice, I'm sure you are; that's something different.

Is she fun? Do you fancy her still? If her father had not died when he had, could it have worked out with you both?
Why were you miserable for 2 years- was that over her father's death?

How old are you both? (I am often amazed at this comment here when I find out the people are still just 20s, or even 30s.)

It sounds as if the spark has gone and she wants you as she is lonely and not able to cope alone, and you think it might work because you feel guilty at leaving her. Maybe you need to accpet that you are not responsible for her happiness- she is.

If she has a tendency to be depressed and needy then you have to be honest and ask if you want a lifetime of that.
You need to come back and tell us more.

My gut feeling is that if you need to ask us- then it's not going to work- you would know if you wanted her.

To me it sounds lot of pressure on you - main friend, main everything here. Also a huge pressure on your relationship. Also a lot of guilt for you if you split with her.

Most people on here would recommend that both partners in a relationship should have some separate interests to bring to a relationship. They would also say that it is healthy to learn to be on your own and like yourself. It is also unusual for a women to not have any other friends.

The whole situation sounds difficult to me except the strong bond you say you have with her. Can that overcome all the rest?

If it doesn't feel right now, then it probably isn't.
You sound like a nice guy, and you can meet somebody who feels like your equal, and makes you feel alive.
If you feel you're keeping her hanging on, then let her down gently and move on, you owe yourself that

She sounds like she is not one of life's copers.

It's fine to want to help someone, but do you really want someone to depend on you quite so heavily? It can be flattering to be needed, but that's not enough for a long term partnership.

If you think counselling etc might help, then maybe you could encourage her to get some. But, I think it would be a mistake to get into a relationship with her hoping that she will change. You either have to accept the person she is or give it a miss, IMO. I also think that you need to at least fancy someone for a relationship to be worth starting - you say you care about her, but that isn't the same thing as chemistry.

PP,

She is fun, and we had a really nice day on Saturday. As to whether it would have worked, had her father not died, I don't know.

I would say the immediate sexual spark has gone, but then we were together seven years. I perhaps expect that to be not entirely unnatural. In hindsight we could have quite easily been married with children at this stage and things would be different.

Quite often one reads on here about how people are in abusive relationships, and it's obvious what someone should do. I'm just not sure it's obvious here.

MF, a lot of her friends are in Germany (where she's from and where we met)

I think you need to cut all ties. It is really hard to stay friends with someone you have had sex with when one partner still has feelings for the other.

How would you feel if she dated someone else and stopped calling you?

Everything you say about her shows a great deal of care and sensitivity for her and her feelings. But it comes across more as family feeling than that of as lovers.

When someone has been a big part of your life, it's normal and healthy to feel care and love for them. Also, if you have been in relationships that haven't been right for you, it's only natural that you still feel closer to this person you invested so much time and emotion in.

BUT sooner or later someone will come along who absolutely knocks your socks off. I was 33 when I met mine. Suddenly it was like light flooded everything - it was as if I was saying 'Oh THAT'S what everyone's been talking about all this time.'

It is hard to see all your friends getting together with people and having babies, and there you are NOT with someone.

But what if, when your amazing person comes along, you have settled for someone else in the meantime - someone that you always suspected wasn't right for you and vice versa. What happens then?

I can see that you feel a level of responsibility because of her past experiences and the fact that she is not in her home country.

But you know, she is a grown-up and she can and should stand on her own two feet. Being there for her as a friend is one thing - and it sounds as though you have done that superbly.

It's easy to get that mixed up with romantic feelings though, and as purplepeony says, maybe if you need to ask, you already have your answer.

Cut the chord.

Do it kindly obviously, but this strained and awkward relationship is never going to end in a happy marriage. Maybe she feels she has wasted too many years on a man who was unsure about her, but wasting more years won't undo that. Maybe her getting upset about the boiler is actually her getting upset about the fact that the man she's spent so much of her life with isn't going to be her husband and she doesn't know what to do next.

I think you have to tell her good bye as gently as you can, and then don't meet up and don't text etc... Move on.

ps, that's not a criticism of you btw, talking about wasted years. Just trying to understand why she would cry over the boiler....