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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

friend's horrible break up - comment or not...

18 replies

aegeansky · 25/07/2010 23:15

...when you think the guy is really, really going to regret leaving his partner and children? Looks to me like the classic mid-life crisis, in which the man is addicted to the feelings of improved self-esteem associated with being desired by a younger woman. He is leaving a trail of utter confusion and prorofound despair, and doesn't even seem to realise it. His life will become complicated beyond belief if he forges ahead with OW, and there'll be a baby before he can blink. He just hasn't considered his DC in this, and I'm shocked and want to tell him, but of course that isn't easy. I am friends with both the couple, but closer to the one left behind.

OP posts:
msboogie · 25/07/2010 23:50

I wouldn't bother -he won't listen. He can't. He is deafened and blinded by stupidity.

expatinscotland · 26/07/2010 00:01

I'd tell him he's being a total dicksmack, a selfish loser not worth my time anymore, tbh.

LittleMissHissyFit · 26/07/2010 00:05

if you don't tell him, he can't listen. If you believe in what you are thinking and feel strongly about it, say something. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

slouchingtowardswaitrose · 26/07/2010 00:07

Yes. Tell him.

expatinscotland · 26/07/2010 00:09

His present partner may want nothing to do with him now he's screwed around with a younger model.

LittleMissHissyFit · 26/07/2010 00:19

true, but at least trying to put things right, can't hurt any more than the other scenario can it?

aegeansky · 26/07/2010 00:22

hmm, opinion divided there. slouchingtowards and littlemisshissyfit, how would you go about doing it? a lot of folk are avoiding him atm ,so if I do see him, he might walk the opposite way.

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celticfairy101 · 26/07/2010 00:35

Tell him you believe that he has left a trail of utter confusion and profound despair. Assure him that the waves of guilt he isn't feeling now will pass over him at some stage in the future. He has messed up his family's life but they will move on. When the mess finally catches up with him he will ofload onto his new partner and his life will become even more miserable.

This is what happened to a close family member and he is full of remorse and regret and still attends counselling years after he came to realise what he had lost. It's very sad to see him in such a way and his children did suffer though are delighted that their father had the good grace to move back close to them (finally - the relationship he left the family for only lasted a couple of years). It took a few years for him to win back some of the trust and respect he lost with his children and he had to work hard for it.

As littlemiss points out 'nothing ventured nothing gained' Your words might seem to fall on deaf ears now but he will remember them at a later stage.

aegeansky · 26/07/2010 00:39

celticfairy101, I like the approach you suggest, thanks. Interesting to hear of the experience you describe in the second paragraph there, too.

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 26/07/2010 02:03

If this person is a really close friend, point out to him that he is most likely addicted to the feelings this new relationship is giving him, rather than the OW herself. He's also probably re-writing history right now, pretending that he'd been unhappy for years. If you knew him before the OW came along, you can remind him of events and conversations when he was telling a different story.

You could point out that these feelings are very unlikely to last and what will he do a few years down the line when someone else turns up and starts to give him an esteem boost - repeat history? Likewise, the OW might meet someone else too - and since she is younger, will probably have more opportunities.

It also depends what matters to him. He is likely to have a very strained relationship with his children, who will have divided loyalties - and there is likely to be an impact on their education and perhaps in the relationships they go on to form themselves later on. Plus it will be financially very costly for him.

I mention his wife last because no doubt he is de-humanising her right now, but ask him to imagine how he'd feel if he finds out in a few months time that she is sleeping with someone else, which will be her right. And eventually, how he will feel if another man is playing an active step-dad role.

Do say something. Your friend is in the grip of a type of insanity at the moment and he needs to realise that relationships that start this way, statistically last a shorter time than the relationship he is leaving.

What you perhaps don't know though is whether his wife would even have him back, after all the hurt caused.

franklampoon · 26/07/2010 04:32

stay out of it.
You cannot predict how this will end.
My best friend's brother did this 8 years ago. He was 45, she was 25.He had been married for 20 years, 3 teenage kids
Utter destruction at the time.

He is still blissfully happy with his new partner and his ex wife is now happy too. The kids have a good relationship with both parents and the new partner.

Your friend may not be so fortunate

It is not for anyone to predict.

irises · 26/07/2010 05:06

I think you should stay out of it as well. No one knows what's gone on in their marriage, and if you think that what either of them tell you is 100% the truth then you are very naive.

aegeansky · 26/07/2010 07:49

Irises, hey, of course. But I don't want or need to know what went on in the marriage. It's a given that he's left now, so it's more that he hasn't considered how this will all pan out - certainly how he will be able to carry out his duties as a father to his existing children, and probably not why he is really doing this. I'm not going to get involved with what other courses of action he might have, but it may be worth reminding him that how he handles being a father now may have repercussions that last forever.

And franklampoon, yes, I too know of similar instances but there are cases where the original children are not accepted by the children of the new family, or by the OW, and vice versa.

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countingto10 · 26/07/2010 08:44

Has he a good male friend who will tell him as it is ? I doubt very much that he will listen to anyone atm - my DH only listened to OW and her "helpful" advice. But he did have a very good friend who he respected and basically said to him "I don't care what the problems are you get it sorted, you are married with 4DC, you sort it out !" and by that he meant stay in the marriage. My DH was shocked but to have someone stick up for marriage (which is not common as people "don't want to get involved/none of my business etc".

It was helpful that the person was a friend of the marriage and not just his friend. Fortunately my DH came to his "senses" before too much damage was done but my DS1 did not do as well as expected in his GCSEs (DH knows this was most likely his fault as he left 2 weeks before he took them despite me begging him not to) and the younger ones don't like their dad being away or late for any reason etc. And obviously I am still working through the pain of the betrayal .

suwoo · 26/07/2010 08:51

That could have been me with DD's godparents. 2.5 years down the line, they are finally fairly amicable with new partners (his is not with the one he ran off with). He had some very down days and drank and took a lot of drugs and threatened suicide after the reality of what he did hit him. He doesn't regret splitting up with his wife per se, but regrets what he put his children through and perhaps the way he did it.

The grief of being such a twat will never leave him.

HTH

MCDL · 26/07/2010 10:23

Tell him, my dp left his family and children for me 5 plus years ago, although it was an abusive alcholic relationship, it was not the right thing to do, we were nieve and foolish, the fall out from his children and family still remain, we caused a great deal of pain. We have a 4 year old dd, love each other and are happy but things still very messy ... Relationships are broken which may never mend ... Bridges very difficult to build.

aegeansky · 26/07/2010 20:39

MCDL - A brave reply - thank you for being so honest. That's the first time I've heard how it pans out when these things don't go to plan. I really appreciate your frankness.

suwoo Again, don't often hear about this. Thank you.

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MCDL · 26/07/2010 22:48

Read very active thread in relationships on
"struggling to accept dd is not accepted"

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