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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think I just busted my DP Gaslighting me?!

19 replies

Gaslit · 25/07/2010 15:38

Briefly: together 7.5 years and recently engaged (his choice, v.shocked on my part!) I have an 8 year old DS. He was made redundant Aug 2009 and has been temping ever since. He's miserable, angry and has lost all confidence. He has no motivation at the moment and is generally in very low spirits. But he's never before been a liar.....

Friday night, DP an I went to a fancy dress party. 'Twas a good laugh and we all had a bit to drink but not to the point of being slaughtered or anything. I was actually sick towards the end of the night, but not through being out of my tree - nooooooooo - I was completely with it. I had actually just backed a glass of Tia Maria and Orange Juice, which I think must have curdled in my stomach, hence the trip to the loo. I remember virtually everything from what was a very good night, and carried on unperturbed after the vomming incident...

Our group of friends has always enjoyed bad jokes and light-hearted banter. I NEVER get in rows with anyone and know the difference between gentle ribbing and being a bitch. I had a laugh and got on well with everyone at the party. Just like I normally would. I know this.

My DP however, decided to inform me yesterday in the middle of an argument that I was apparently a "right bitch" to one of our closest male friends and was relentlessly horrible to him under the guise of humour to the point where he looked very upset. I know this not to be true at all. I told him he was mistaken. He very angrily disagreed and accused me of accusing him of being a liar. Said I was hammered to point of being sick so I must not remember because I was so pissed but I was definitely out of line. I told him that I wasn't pissed, was only sick owing to illness and I remembered everything. I told him he had got it wrong once again and he said that I was a fool - he was only trying to help me modify my shocking behaviour. We left it that.

This morning I picked up my mobile and began texting our mutual friend to apologise for my "supposed" bad behaviour (I'd decided to give DP the benefit of the doubt just in case I'd gone mad and blanked out the portion of the evening where I'd apparently been such a cow. DP asked me who I was texting, so I told him who and why. He looked really angry and shouted "Oh don't bother - you'll just make everything worse!" I said of course I won't - if I've been out of order, our mate might appreciate an apology and plus, I want to do the right thing after all. Unless you've got it wrong of course?

DP looked pretty panicky and started a huge row about what an idiot I apparently am. I asked him to tell me what exactly I'd said that was so bad and he had nothing. So I sent the text.

Predictably, my friend phoned back and told me he didn't know what the fuck I was talking about, that I was fine and if anything, an absolute pleasure. "Who told you that", he said? So I told him what DP had - vaguely - said and he confirmed with me that nothing of the sort happened. We then had a really lovely chat about various rubbish for the next hour and a half and things were as good as ever.

After the phone convo had finished, I told DP that our friend had confirmed I was right and he went mad again; "Oh I'm the bad guy, am I?!" I asked him why would he say what he did, when it was so obviously not true?! I asked him to again confirm what it was that I had banged on about so 'relentlessly', as he put it, that had offended our friend so much. Again, he could come up with NOTHING - no specifics and started mumbling about me knowing he had a memory like a sieve. He then tried the whole "Oh I must have got it wrong then - I was pretty far away". I said that's funny - yesterday you were right next to us and horrified by my runaway mouth!!!

The argument carried on for a bit (you know - all the usual grievances that come up) and then petered out. But with no real resolution. I've been left very confused as to why he would lie about such a thing. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? They'd be very much appreciated.....

Apologies for length!!!

OP posts:
HerBeatitude · 25/07/2010 15:47

Um, yes, I can't really think of any other reason for this than gaslighting. Has he done anything similar before? Does he have any other issues with this particular friend?

shimmerysilverglitter · 25/07/2010 15:48

I would be interested to know if there have been any other incidents like this.

My Mum does things like this, puts really negative interpretations onto other people's interactions so you then feel really awkward and embarassed about them when you felt fine before. She can be very manipulative.

You handled it great, by texting the friend and confronting it head on, sure he will think twice about this kind thing. Most people wouldn't they would be too embarassed.

coventgarden · 25/07/2010 15:50

I have no clue what gaslighting is but he wounds like bad news, like he doesn't respect or like you very much.

Gaslit · 25/07/2010 15:51

No - to my knowledge, he's always been honest with me and that I know of, he's never mislead me.

This friend is also one of his best friends and they get on famously (they share the same birthday and so both throw a huge joint party every year in May). I haven't the faintest idea why he would do this?!

OP posts:
TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 25/07/2010 15:54

Has he maybe got a bit of a jealousy thing going on?

Gaslit · 25/07/2010 15:55

Thanks for the replies guys!

Silvershimmeryglitter - thank you - I hope he won't do anything like this again, but I'd love to know what possessed him. If he has an issue with me (or even if he's pissed off with our friend, which I doubt) then I hope he feels he can come and talk to either one of us honestly about it. I know he's struggling with what is likely to be depression at the moment but this is just bizarre!!!

OP posts:
Gaslit · 25/07/2010 15:58

Hi TheHeathen. He's never seemed to have much of a jealous streak in all these years, (neither of us are really) but if he did, he wouldn't show it to me, that's for sure! He regards jealously as something you feel when you're young, I think. He'd definitely cut my head off if I ever did the deed though!!!

OP posts:
TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 25/07/2010 16:03

I just thought; if he was feeling down, had a few drinks, watching you have a giggle with another bloke... I can see how he might get sucked into a spiral of negative thoughts (er, I probably would ). I'm rubbish, I can't get a proper job, she prefers X to me etc.

Why that would come out as telling you you'd mortally offended X is another matter! Clearly he completely failed to get away with it, so hopefully he won't be trying it again.

Taghain · 25/07/2010 16:05

If he's suffering from low self-esteem, then the balance of your relationship will have changed so that he feels less "in control" than he did, or that you have become the senior partner rather than a junior or equal partner.

This is probably a subconscious attempt to reassert his position by undermining your confidence too, so that the previous balance is restored.

Jealousy can rear its head at any stage of a relationship, form the first week to 40 years down the line.

Gaslit · 25/07/2010 16:09

It really was an epic fail, lol!!!

I can see how that might have been the case though. Although it's weird that by saying what he did, he has actively pushed myself and our friend closer together in unison at the confusion of his weird accusation?! (Of course that's not the case, but his actions could have led to that if he was already thinking along those sort of lines). Maybe not then?!

OP posts:
Gaslit · 25/07/2010 16:15

Thanks Taghain. I am definitely far from the 'senior partner' at the moment - I am also temping after being made redundant this year! I have been struggling to find work but to be fair to me, I am the only one who has been putting any effort in to looking for a permanent job (his confidence really is shot). As a result, I am attending an interview on Tuesday which I'm quite excited about. Maybe that's the catalyst?!

So the general consensus so far appears to be potential jealousy?!

OP posts:
toomanystuffedbears · 25/07/2010 16:20

Yup, that is gaslighting. If there is a next time, he'll be careful to pick a subject that you won't be able to validate with a third party.

It might be a development of his anger over his redundancy in work. He might feel the need to be superior to someone and right now that means you.

No matter what the reason though, there is no excuse for it. It is emotional abuse. Suggest he get assistance with his depression because it may be beginning to change 'who he is'...not for the better.

Well done (!!!) on calling him on it in the moment. Continue to pay attention and try to never let any circumstance that makes you feel uncomfortable go by with out a rebuttal.

thisishowifeel · 25/07/2010 16:21

That is an identical scenario to something that happened to me when my h went weird last year. He said that a mutual friend of ours had said tha my behaviour was disgusting and that they were really emabarrassed by me. I was utterly confused, it was the middle of the day, no booze, just completely out of the blue.

I did the same thing, spoke to the chap, who had no idea what I was talking about.

H had just lost a massive contract at work too.

With him, this behaviour has got worse and worse. I think that he has become severely mentally ill. I know it's not me as I have been in therapy, believing it was me at first, that's why I asked to be referred.

It's horrible to realise that this is what is happening. I hope yours has some sense to realise what happened and makes sure it doesn't again.

Tortington · 25/07/2010 16:21

gaslit - really? - imean the term!

youhad a row =- you held your own - good for you!

he is clearly fed up and fucked off re work situation. work is a huge part of your life. and if works shit and homes shit - and he cant change work - maybe he's thinking he can change home - a sub concious thought - pushing you away becuase he thinks he is failing the family - getts to a point where he can leave etc etc

so dont let it get that far - hes feeling shit - do something nicefor him and tell him to love hm and appreciate all the shittyness he is going through, that you will get through ut together

Gaslit · 25/07/2010 16:48

Thanks again guys, I really appreciate all your replies.

He has been to his GP to ask about counselling for depression and is now on the waiting list, although it could take some time to come through. He doesn't believe in AD's and says he would rather speak to someone than shove a false sense of security down his neck. Fair play, I suppose.

I am very worried about him though. He's been in tears just five minutes ago, saying he loves me and is sorry for upsetting me. Says he feels a failure. I have given him a big hug and reassured him that I don't see him that way and thanked him for the apology. We're gonna get a takeaway to cheer ourselves up. This is looking more and more like it's related to the whole work thing now. He's currently on his laptop applying for jobs, so that's good.....

Funnily enough, our friend has just left his job in order to start a PGCE in September and I, of course have just been offered this interview. Maybe he looked at us and was pissed off that we at last seem to be getting somewhere career-wise, whilst he's not?! Still, I am completely bewildered by his lie. Should I be looking out for this in the future or do you think I may have done enough to nip it in the bud? It's all so weird.....

OP posts:
coventgarden · 25/07/2010 16:51

I don't think he sounds jealous. He sounds like he doesn't like you much.

Gaslit · 25/07/2010 16:59

You've said that twice now coventgarden. It would be very sudden if that were the case, as up until this weekend everything's been pretty okay (on the home front at least). I'm aware I probably get on his nerves at times but do you not think that saying he just doesn't like me is over simplifying it just a tad?!

OP posts:
dittany · 25/07/2010 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coventgarden · 25/07/2010 17:00

Just posting my opinion.

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