Stretched between work and home demands - need to rescue my marriage...

[Idontwanttobeaworkaholic]

I am a very longstanding namechanger - have never discussed my relationship on here before but feel like I have nowhere else to go...
Not even sure what the problem is but I am sure that a) I am not very happy in my marriage atm and b) I want to do something about it.

We have been together forever, have 2 dcs aged 8 and 6, both work 4 days/wk and try to share domestic and childcare work. I am more ambitious work-wise, and earn about 60% of our household income. I also work a lot harder than DH. In the last 6 months my workload (or at least, work pressures) have increased a lot and I am working much more in the evenings and on my 'day off'. I am public sector and things are likely to get worse before they get better, although I don't THINK I am at serious risk of redundancy.

Because of the recent work pressures I've been less engaged at home, and even when I haven't needed to work I've felt depleted and in need of just retreating into myself. DH is not happy with this, while I feel that he is being unsupportive and unappreciative and that his demands just make me feel even more stretched. I feel I am losing my life as I have very little contact with RL friends, and I am also more irritable and snappy with the dcs than i would like.

We have other tensions too and I feel that we are not really communicating very well about them, in part because I haven't got the energy and don't want to provoke anger/confrontation needlessly, and don't really know how to talk things through constructively so that things change. So I feel to an extent I've given up trying. However i think this means we are leaving things unsaid and that the tension is manifesting in other ways, in anger and in emotional distance.

How do we get things back on track? Fundamentally we are both really committed to our marriage and we do get on very well, but I just don't know how long a relationship can survive being squeezed between work and childcare. The kids are great but still very demanding and we basically have very little time with each other when we actually have any energy. This weekend they have all gone off together and its been lovely having some space and quiet, but I would like to spend time like this with DH as well!! I just worry that by the time the kids have gone, we won't have anything left between us...

Sorry for huge long post, don't suppose I'll get much response but any survival/salvage tips much appreciated.

anyone?
even some tips about how to talk to DH effectively - i.e. so that we actually understand each other and try to change things rather than end up upset and angry??

could you try writing to each other - putting your thoughts down on paper can give the other person time to process them, and react calmly.

We have done this and it works.

Hope you get the lines of communication open - its tough! I really know how you feel about the work/home demands....

awww this is so great - that you recognise it - own up - and want to do something about it - welldone you!

if i were you i would have a sit down talk with him

tell im that you want to spend more time with him and the family and you would like his suggestions as to how to make it work financially.

with this will come two things

a recognition that kyour jobpays for a lot of things and to cut back your hours - if that is an option will mean cuttingback on certain lifestyle choices

or if he agrees that theres nothing can be done about your work situation - at least its a tangible recognition that you work hard and you are not just being difficult

you can also plan out what you can do with your free time. a lot of it is a bore - chores, washing etc. but maybe you need to plan something - even if its just a long walk - when dh and i go on long walks - which is infrequently - we talk about everything, from who does the washing up to....becuase your just talking and talking ...what would we do if we won the lottery. i like long walks!

Thanks for replying.
I know we need to talk - but I don't know HOW we do that constructively. When you have been together a long time it is hard not to go over the same ground/get upset about the same things and then carry on in the same ingrained patterns.

I don't WANT to cut back my hours, even if I could. I still have aspirations for promotion. BUT I don't want it at any price, so I have to be able to keep some boundaries (difficult, in my line of work most people are notoriously bad at maintaining work/life boundaries, lots of evening and weekend working is the norm. And rather a high divorce rate too)

I have actually been thinking about whether to go full time since effectively I am in a fulltime role with the same pressures, and then at least I'd get paid for it. then I found myself thinking that I would probably end up divorced, and then I thought, wtf? Am i really afraid to work full time because of how DH might react?? That's when I started to think things might be seriously awry. though having said that I don't particularly WANT to work full time either - I'd rather have more time with the family. So you can see, I'm quite conflicted about it all

Meant to say - I would LOVE to have more long walks together - but just not possible as kids are always with us. No family help. The only time we are together is in the evenings, when I am either working or in a zoned out zombie-like state.

I think regular time without hte kids would really help, but I just don't see how it would be possible. And last time we had 24 hours without them we ended up buying a sofa...

If you are very ambitious and very successful in your career I expect you are generally together and organised with work?

Do you manage to switch work off when you get home, does your DH? For me this is the fundamental golden rule (although having said that my DH has taken my DD out this afternoon so I can catch up with some work ). Difficult to do, I literally envisage a mental 'switch' as I walk in the front door, which does help.

The only way we can maintain any sort of reasonable relationship is by apportioning our time rather unromantically so that we schedule in time together, even if it's only being at home with a glass of wine and a film/board game etc after DD has gone to bed. I try to work out where the 'couple' time is going to be at the beginning of the week and then protect it like I would a a work appointment.

Slightly off topic, but I recently went back to full time as I felt I might as well get paid for it and tbh haven't noticed any loss of 'me' or 'us' time because of it. In some ways it is better because I am not constantly struggling to fit in the same amount of work in less time.

What has happened with all the 'home' jobs since you've been doing longer hours at work? Has DH picked up doing more to try and give you a chance to spend some time together or are you still doing your half of all the domestic stuff?

pushmepullyou, yes I think 'scheduling' would help - DH is objecting to 'losing' me in the evenings and tbh I can understand his pov - I feel I am losing myself!! I have suggested I limit work to a couple of evenings a week. But I have definitely been ruminating too much - so even when I am here I am not here iyswim. DH is supremely able to switch off - he virtually never works at home. But then he has taken the option of not pursuing career advancement (which is fine, he's no slouch, and there aren't many men prepared to work part-time to be with their kids - so I admire him for that )

Other jobs - well we manage ok with the day to day stuff, cooking, washing etc. What is suffering is tidying and organising the house. (which we both don't really like doing). Basically if dh ends up doing chores while I am working he gets pretty resentful and lets me know sharpish...I feel I still do more than my fair share (since he does very little of the kids school organising stuff, teachers presents, replying to party invites etc etc) but he might take a different view

Something I saw on Supernanny once (I know), was that she made up little sand bags representing hours spent working, supervising homework, tidying the house, other domestic stuff, sorting finances etc etc.

When she divided them up among the husband and wife according to who did what, the husband was genuinely astonished to see how little he did in comparison to his wife. Maybe you could draw up some kind of 'who does what' list and then he would see?

I guess what you really need is your DH to buy into you pushing for promotion etc. If he thinks you should take the same approach as him then you may be a bit stuck because he will view your extra hours as 'you time' rather than 'trying to support the family time'.

Because really, why shouldn't he do more in the house if you are working longer hours?

Well, Alibaba, I think he does see it as my choice to work hard or not. Which it sort of is, except that the last few months it has definitely been a lot mroe than I would do from choice - have been struggling with deadlines that HAVE to be met for the next day, ridiculous proportions of my normal working hours spent in meetings so no time to catch up with e-mails etc etc

I do feel unappreciated for all the organising work I do. I feel like he blames me because the house is in a mess, or we're not getting anything done to get it better organised (like buy some bookshelves). whereas I feel I am doing as much as I can and this is just yet another thing to sort out.

I am so sorry to hear you are having a tough time.

I agree with Alibab - my DH and I don't have kids but I am in a similar position in terms of working more hours and being more ambitious so we went through a really rocky patch last year because of tensions that sound similar to yours.

We went to see a counsellor who suggested a very similar thing to the one Alibab outlined ... I can't say everything is always perfect now but it really helped DH understand that I needed more support.

I think he was finding it tough to get his head round the fact that I earn more and work more so was bridling at doing more around the house but in the end he realised it's not about who should do what but more about what you can achieve together as a couple.

I really feel for you though as I know it's a hard situation to be in. The most important thing is that you are both committed to making it work.

Good luck!

I feel very similar a lot of the time. We are contemplating getting a cleaner for a couple of hours a week, is this someting you could consider?

I have found though that if I make the effort to be 'here' when I am here iyswim then DH is a lot less resentful of the times when I am mentally or actually elsewhere and he has to pick up more than he feel he should of the day to day stuff.

gardenpixie how did you find your counsellor?
We have been to one a long time ago but not sure it was that helpful.

I think 4 days can be a real arse. You pretty much always have to do a full-time job, in less time and with less pay.
When I went up to 5 days, ironically I had more family time and was less stressed...

Best of luck

we have a cleaner - neither of us spends much time cleaning tbh!!
Anyway thanks - must go now as they are back and I need to be present!!

I went to this website: www.bacp.co.uk

it's the british associations for counselling and psycotherapy

They have a directory so I found one in my area who specialised in couples therapy. I talked to a couple of others as well but decided to go with the one I felt most confident in although she was a tad more expensive

and they make sure all the people on there are properly trained from accredited colleges

Well we have had a bit of a chat so at least I have got a few things off my chest...

I don't know about going fulltime - I kind of think that maybe its not the best way to solve the problem of having to work too hard, increasing my hours voluntarily!

Plus i have flexibility to take more of my time in the school holidays at the moment, that would go if I went up officially to fulltime. but I am interested to hear of those of you who find that you have MORE time when you work fulltime. I kind of think I would just feel obliged to work even more at the evenings and even at weekends, which at the moment I pretty much keep clear. food for thought.

Some good practical advice from other posters. BUT I suspect you are afraid to communicate because there is bigger stuff and you don't know how DH will react.Work/life balance is a challenging issue but I am not sure that this is the real cause of your malaise. The question is, do you feel able to cope with the possible consquences ofcommunication at present or are you happy to tinker with life details to sustain things for a bit longer? Sorry if this sounds pessimistic, but make sure you look after yourself and do not compromise yourself in such a way that you no longer know who you are.

How much do your children do? I KNOW they are children but they are integral to helping the family home tick along. We all have jobs in this house, my eldest (11) makes her bed and her sister's in the morning, she also takes their washing up into the kitchen after each meal and wipes down the table. My youngest (2.5) wanders around the house and scoots up any washing and plonks it in the washing basket. They tidy up their own toys each evening and do their rooms together, my youngest will even change the toilet roll if it's empty and bring the empty roll down for recycling!

The deal is, we all work together during the week to keep the house as tidy as possible, then we get to spend the majority of the weekend doing family fun stuff (Sun am my husband tales both girls shopping while I blitz the cleaning) and the rest of the weekend is about fun.

Some of my family think I'm mean to get the girls doing jobs but I think it's important that we work together as a family unit and actually my youngest puts the clothes in the washing, she's not in a factory making the damn things!

Could you introduce some responsibility for your DC's? Take a little pressure off the household stuff? and then commit to only working until or after a set time in the evening's?

My last role was super-busy and it was very easy to let it consume every waking hour. We eventually agreed that we would both come home from work and do the family stuff, once the girls go to bed we can then have an hour or so doing work stuff, seems to work for us.

They key though is definitely communication.