I'm so sorry, it sounds like a very painful situation to be in, and I don't wonder that you feel sad and helpless with regard to it. I think it helps enormously when you have a third party who knows the person and with whom you can talk things through. You are going through a really tough time.
I have a few thoughts about what you said, which may or may not resonate with you - please don't think I am trying to say I know how you feel or what is the right decision - they are just musings.
You mentioned two choices - either offering your opinion and being shouted at, or effectively saying 'great stuff bro' by keeping quiet.
I do think that there is a third option, which is to tell him that you don't admire his decisions without offering advice as to what he should be doing.
You can say that you don't admire someone's behaviour. You can say that you are there for them if they want to talk something over. That's not keeping silent, but neither is it telling them that you know best, which is annoying for all of us, especially when we know it's true!
Is there an element of your parents spoiling him here? I wonder if maybe, from what he said, he feels as if people are always criticising his actions/decisions AFTER he has done/made them. Perhaps a slightly spoiled, younger child is in danger of feeling as if their decisions as an adult are never taken seriously? He sounds very defensive.
I'm not defending his decisions, they sound thoughtless and misguided. But from his pov, it must be hard to always hear people telling you that what you've done is silly, especially when it's something you can't go back on, like a tattoo.
Sometimes we get angriest when others hit closest to the mark - is he thinking badly of himself, and therefore getting angrier because it's too close to the bone?
I'm just trying to think of ways in which you can re-establish a relationship with him. Ultimately if you are going to, you have to find some mechanisms for living alongside his behaviour.
Reading through your list of his actions, what I hear is the behaviour of a CHILD. Lack of financial wisdom, desire to have his wishes fulfilled instantly, temper tantrums if challenged.
Actually, by telling someone what to do, I think we can perpetuate a tendency in them to abdicate responsibility for their actions. They can effectively be saying 'well you should have helped me then'. He needs to be treated as an adult - he has to live with his choices.
I suppose I mean that with the tattoo for example, maybe he'll be expecting to hear criticism about it and the source of the money. If what he actually hears is 'Oh, did you? Are you happy with it?' - that's a far cry from someone a) berating him or b) saying how lovely the tattoo looks.
You don't have to give a negative or a positive reaction instantly - you can bat it back to him with a question.
(By the way, I am not saying I think that's how you reacted to the tattoo, I was just trying to think of a practical example of what I meant.)
It sounds as if you feel a sense of responsibility towards him that's kind of parental.
You're not your brother's parent.
You're not your grandmother's parent.
If this man were not your brother but just a friend, how would you have behaved differently?
As adults, we have to accept that sometimes people won't agree with the choices we make.
He has to accept that you don't admire some of his choices - that's your prerogative - but he doesn't have to accept that you know better than him.
Actually talking to him about all this will be really tough and I think you'll need to really get your thoughts clear before you do. Also, perhaps accept that whatever you say to him may or may not be inwardly digested by him - the important thing is you saying it to him, not what he does with that information.
One of the difficulties I have in my relationship with my stepfather is that he will nod and listen when we are talking about feelings/problems, and I have turned myself inside out trying to get him to see that he just needs to realise I'm no longer 12/I have a brain of my own/the things he says are hurtful. Several times I have achieved what I thought was common ground, only to be back to square one next time.
I am now at a point, which is what I guess I mean about your brother, of saying something to him ONCE, stating it fairly and unemotionally, and if necessary adding that we have to agree to disagree. Then, if and when that subject arises again, I just say, 'Well, this is an area we can't agree on isn't it, so there's nothing more to say. I don't want to fall out with you.' I realise that what matters is that I have said how I see things - if he chooses to ignore that, it's up to him. I can't control his thought processes and I wouldn't want to!
It depends on the relationship you think you can have with him. If you can't lay everything out on the table and talk it over until you both agree, then perhaps either you accept that's how things are and you always have a bit of an undercurrent, or you simply break contact.
My choice in this situation - for the time being - is to avoid the impossible areas of conversation. It's not an ideal solution and it's not one I feel massively happy about, but I am as sure as I can be that it is a choice between that and cutting off from him altogether. Right now, for many reasons, I have chosen to go for the latter. Next month, next year, it could all change and I may have to reassess.
I am sure it will blow up at some point. But there are times when it's right to push for change, and times when it isn't.
You have possibly created a positive time for change in your relationship with your brother. I think you need to do whatever you can to make that a positive experience FOR YOU.
Have you thought about seeing a counsellor specifically about this? A couple of sessions talking to someone who is there totally for you can reveal things to yourself that you hadn't clearly realised.
Also have a look on Amazon for books that deal with difficult family relationships - or search these forums. It may help to see others' experiences and what they suggest.
It's so hard, and I do empathise. Good luck.