I can't stand DH today

[uptooearly]

DH and I have a volatile relationship. We've been together for nearly 11 years, so I know very well the kind of thing that sets him off on one of his moods - the house being a mess, my having friends round, throwing a party (even for the DC), my going out, expecting him to do his fair share with the DC).

This past week my sister and her husband, who live in the States, have been here. She's pregnant, so I threw a baby shower for her last weekend, I've taken time off to be with her, and she's been round most evenings for dinner.

DH has been on edge the whole time (in particular over the baby shower) but yesterday he blew up at me because my sister is finally taking back with her a piece of our grandmother's embroidery that I'd had framed as an engagement present for her two years ago. We've had it hanging in our sitting room all this time to keep it safe and to enjoy it, but it was always on loan until my sister could get her act together to take it back. I'm sad to see it go, because it's lovely, but I'm glad that she's finally able to take it.

DH is furious that 'they've taken it off the wall', that I spent (my) money on framing this piece of embroidery, that I am giving her this particular one instead of two other things that I framed at the same time, and which he hates, and spent all of yesterday shouting, sniping, swearing and complaining about it. He managed to restrain himself (just) in front of my sister, but the DCs heard everything, and then he embarrassed me in front of the next-door neighbours (with whom we don't get on) by making loud and sarcastic remarks about her.

She leaves today, and I'm really down about that, because I don't know when I'll see her again. But I am so miserable to be married to someone who is great to be around as long as I don't do anything to wind him up, and who is capable of being so utterly unpleasant to me, and about other people, especially those I love.

Today I could just walk out and leave him. If we didn't have children I would.

All I want to do is cry.

I have been wondering if DH will accuse me of bullying him and trying to change him, and my argument to him, should he try it, will be to say that the perfectly normal, ordinary things I do (like not tidying up to his high standards, throwing baby showers or giving away my family heirlooms) don't frighten him, upset him, humiliate him or leave him in a permanent state of anxiety.

They just make him angry and verbally aggressive, which is his choice. He has better ways to express his disapproval, or even, as another poster has said, to just adjust his expectations of me. It isn't exactly reasonable of him to expect me to neglect my friends and family just because he's an anti-social git.

Things are still going well since our conversation on Sunday, although yesterday we had a very minor blip - we're taking it in turns to stay at home with the children this month as we don't have childcare, and the first thing he said as he walked through the front door after work "was what the hell is this mess?". I said that I hadn't had time to tidy up, and would he mind remembering that the previous day I had come home to chaos and not said a word to him about it? He said "I'll start again" and went back to the front door and said hello to us all by name, distributed kisses and cuddles and was just plain nice for the rest of the evening. And tidied up the front room while I made dinner.

Normally he would have huffed and puffed while ostentatiously tidying up the house and shouting at me and the DCs or he would have just ranted at me and left the mess alone. So a minor example of progress.

So it just shows he is capable of being nice if he wants to!

I would be wary of thinking of it as 'progress' though. I can't believe a man like this will be able to change his way of acting overnight just because you've made him aware of it. I suspect that this is the charm part of the cycle before he starts being abusive and it all becomes your fault again.

I know you're right, malinkey - I'm just taking each day as it comes and enjoying the fact that he's being nice and we're not arguing. His past form means that another episode of unpleasantness definitely isn't far off, and that's when I'll see if he really has taken on board everything that was in your list. It's unlikely that in mid-rant he will remember that he is behaving like an emotionally abusive bully, but I can only wait and see. He might surprise me.

But thanks again to all of you who've posted - I was so unhappy last weekend and your support and advice really helped me get through a very difficult couple of days. And I feel much more positive about the future. Even if DH doesn't change for the better I know and understand so much more about his behaviour than I did this time last week, and I hope that that will give me the confidence to end our marriage if things don't improve.

Well, as long as he knows that you can and will end it if you have to, it should give him the incentive to work at it - assuming he really enjoys family life more than he enjoys behaving like an arse!

Sadly, ime, they really seem to.

That should have been rarely not really.

uptooearly, it took a long time, as I have said. Key events include:

• him getting on the coach to the airport as he left our family holiday a week early (as arranged) and not kissing me goodbye or even looking at me. I thought that the other people in the coach would have no idea that we were married or a family him shouting at our 9yo DD for knocking into him on the stairs so that his glass of wine partially spilt - he called her a f**ing idiot (without the asterisks)
• being pressurised for sex and made to feel bad when I refused, even though he never kissed me or showed any affection at other times

Something that I didn't even realise at the time was that he had a terrible memory for names, people on tv, what time/day things were happening, but when we argued or disagreed he could quote me word for word on something I had apparently said days, weeks or even months earlier. 'Gaslighting', as it is known, had become so normal I didn't even notice it any more.

I'm glad to hear that things have improved for you and hope they stay that way.

Oops, clearly the formatting didn't like my asterisks!