My husband is an idiot!

[Tinykins]

He went out at 6pm yesterday with a friend to play a golf competition in our local golf club, he assured me that he would play, then have a bite to eat in the club and a couple of pints and then get a lift home with the guy, (lets call him john) that he was playing with and be home 11.30 latest.

At 11.30, John told him to finish his pint and they left the club, john left my husband about 50meters from the house and drove on home, once john was out of sight, my husband turned on his heel and went back down the road and into the pub.

He then texted John a few mins later and said that he had gone out for one more and not to tell me, (or johns wife, in case it got back to me) that he was doing this, and john texted him back to say FFS get home, have already told my wife I left you home.

There is a back story here. We have had problems in our marriage due to his drinking binges in the past. And he specifically promised me that he would come straight home and not stop off in the cluster of pubs near our home, (as he has done in the past and stayed till he couldnt stand up let alone walk home.)

We had also had a very bad couple of rows earlier in the week and were tentatively getting over that and getting closer again. He made a point of promising me he would come straight home, then he did this.

He was full of apologies today. Told me his friend John called him an asshole today when my husband rang him. But then my toddler was messing with husbands mobile and opened upthe texts messages and when I took it off the child I saw this text to John.

I confronted my husband and he was embarrassed but then laughed it off and said that "all men do this" he agreed it was immature, and a bit pathetic, but that men do this from time to time, and cover for each other to their wives.

I told him that real men dont behave like that, just boys, lads, and immature twats.

He still thinks it is all kind of funny, but i am having a real sense of humour failure. Its bad enough he did what he did but the text thing really pissed me off. I am finding him pathetic right now, and dont trust him. Am i overreacting??

No, all men don't do that. He is behaving like an alcoholic.

He is behaving like an alcoholic.

Yeah people behave like that when they are alcoholics.

Thanks all just getting back to the computer today.

I should point out that he rang me to say that hw was delayed and would be home before 12.30. I rang him there and then and when I found out John was already gone home I told him I wanted him to come home straight away and he did, and was home at 12. He then told me he had actually left john go home and had gone for a beer in the pub near our home, but it was only the one, and he always intended to come home after that. He said he wanted to "prove" to me after all those years of binges that he had now changed and could do this and be sensible.

I understand his twisted logic, but the point here is that he promised me he would do something and then instead he went and did something he knows he shouldnt do, becuase he knows how "just the one" drink can lead to another, and another and so on, and just to put yourelf in that situation where that can possible happen is to my mind, for someone with a weakness in that area, just foolish and reckless.

I feel like I have another child in the house instead of a husband. I cannot bear the idea that he tries to get his friends to cover for him and then says that this is what men do. I am grateful at least to John that he told him to get his ass home and that he was being an arsehole.

"All men do it" = bollocks.

I'll give everyone on Mumsnet £1 billion each* if his Dad didn't used to behave like this.

*if i feel like it

Tinykins

Not all men do this by any means. He is acting like an alcoholic and no they do not have to drink every day.

You cannot make your H go to AA unless he wants to which he seemingly does not want to do.

All you can do here is help your own self; I would be contacting Al-anon in your particular circumstances and talk to them, they are helpful with family members of problem drinkers.

Do you yourself think your H is an alcoholic?. What's your role in all this because you are certainly playing one.

"I feel like I have another child in the house instead of a husband. I cannot bear the idea that he tries to get his friends to cover for him and then says that this is what men do".

Again this is not what men do. That's yoru H's denial of the situation talking here.

Apart from anythign else do you really need another child to look after?.

Covering for someone in such a manner is enabling behaviour. Your H does not want to accept responsibility for his actions so he tries to get others to cover up for him. He's probably tried to get you to enable him as well.

Attila - He can go out and have a few drinks and not get plastered. He goes out once a week with friends, on a thurs night and never gets plastered.

From time to time, he overdoes it badly, and is always ashamed when he does this.

Even when we are out together, I am conscious that he always finishes his drink slightly earlier than everyone else, and will always have one more if someone is offering even though he has had enough.

He has been a problem drinker, and will always be. It that makes him an alcoholic, then that is what he is. However, I can not say that he is alcohol-dependent becuase he doesnt need it or take it from day to day, and he can have one, or none, when it suits him.

At the end of the day, alcoholic or not, his drinking has marred our marriage from day one, and this is what I struggle with.

Tinykins,

He does not have to drink alcohol every day to make him alcohol dependent. What this is doing to you emotionally however, is incalculable. It damages you and any children you may have.

What is the longest period of time he has ever gone without alcohol?.

Quite aside from him in all this, what are you going to do?. Your last post was all about him.

Attila I don't know what to do.

I suppose when I posted the above I wondered was I overreacting and waiting to see if any other women came on to say, yes my dh does that a lot, or men, yeah they're all kids at the end of the day or some such thing, but no one has done that.

I decided some time ago that as long as my husband was striving to avoid binges and drink in moderation then I would not leave him over a genetic weakness such as he has.

And that is it really. It does not impinge greatly on our lives on a daily basis, most of the time he is fine, and things are stable. But from time to time, and especially when things are tense between us it seems to flare up.

I have put my name down for counselling and I am also looking to join al anon to see if I am enabling here, or even just to learn how best to deal with this problem.