Family counselling.. any one ever had experience of this please? Bit of a cry for help from a reg. MNer.

[MumOnTheEdge]

Hello.. reg.poster here, under another name! (There seem to be a lot of us lately..) :0/

I was wondering if anyone had any experience of family counselling. Because I think we need it. This morning I phoned the HV (for want of someone more 'suitable'.. thought she seemed like a good first port of call) to ask her advice.. and whether such a thing as this type if counselling exists.. and she said that it does and is coming out to see us in the morning.

Everything is just too much. We have so much going on in our family, disability both within our immediate family unit and in the broader family, and a totally impossible daily regime which, when I try to look at us objectively, seems undo-able.. so no wonder we are falling apart. Both DH and I have loads of stress symptoms, DH on top his long standing medical condition. I for one wake up every morning feeling as though I just can't face the day and then get up to my kids fighting.. DH growling at them (they are probably only being so obnoxious because they are taking their cue from us) and yesterday, we hit crisis point when DH packed ALL his stuff (and I mean EVERYTHING that was just HIS alone.. a whole car full.. at the time he really MEABT it!) and left. He was totally cold and unresponsive while I begged him not to go.. but I know he didn't mean it.. I could see he was in pieces. Its how I feel much of the time but know that leaving is not and will never be an option. He was back within a few hours, albeit initually because he couldn't find a place to say with any vacancies (after we managed to 'talk' by text) and we have talked properly since and realised that we are literally both suffering from.. I dunno.. 'burn-out' or something.

I don't think it's depression. I have been reading about depression online.. we/I seem to have a lot of symptoms but neither of us are suffering from a lack of pleasure in activities we usually find pleasurable.. it just that there is no time to DO anything pleasurable.. ever!

One of our children is severely disabled and we have never had any respite. We have recently been told we will get 1 day a month of respite (having previously been turned down twice) but don't know when this will be.. or how it will help. Everything we do is for the kids.. part of the problem of our manic weekly regime is due to my insistance that the kids do everything in our power to have opportunities and stimulation.. but I know they are 'suffering' from the stressful atmosphere at home so what they need more than anything is some calm.. and quality time from us.. but there IS no time.. ever. As I type there is bedlam errupting all around me so I am blocking it out! (Which is what I always do in order to escape to the world of MN! I tell myseld it keeps me sane.. but I think it adds to the problem to be honest.) I think the crunch has been the fact that the severely-disabled DS in question now has epilepsy... something new and stressful for us.. (and now I am losing the ability and the will to try and be anonymous!.. which was purely so as not to worry the one or two RL friends I have on here should they see this.) It's weird.. I do and don't want to discuss it.. I feel like there is nobody who will understand (self pity feeling I'm sure) except maybe a lot of anonymous people on here (I hope!)

I/we are also hoping that family counselling.. or any kind of counselling.. will help in that it would give us the chance to talk about stuff to people that we won't be 'burdening' anyone else (which would surely be the case with my oversressed family members.. and even friends) and maybe a counsellor could look at our situation objectively and tell us what small/large changes we could make to make our lives more manageable.

The sad thing is that DH loves me.. and I love him.. after years together and all kinds of hassles this is still the case.. but we just feel as if we can't deal with anything else.. and more and more keeps happening. The future stretches ahead with no real prospect of anything changing.. no chance of getting away anywhere alone.. no way we could ever leave the children for more than a few hours even if there was.. and constant CONSTANT stress and fear of health dramas (life threatening in some cases) and day to day dramas which we used to be able to handle and now can't.

Sorry for rambling.. any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated and definitely if anyone has any knowledge/experience of family counselling, I would love to hear what you have to say. (And so would DH who has long since learnt that MN is a force to be reckoned with!)

Hello, ive no experience of family counselling but wanted to just post some words of support and admiration at how you cope with what apears to be a mountain of problems.
Family counselling will, im sure help you to unravel the knotty kniting that is your life!
People like you, make me put things into perspective, take stock and think carefully about my life. this sounds totally selfish and i am sorry if this is how i come across, but you are inspirational.
You may not feel like it, but you are, inspirational, amazing and courageous.

no experience but it sounds like you are making a courageous first step

I am surprised you have held it together so long . .you must be an amazingly strong family unit

You have my deepest empathy / concern that you have got to this stage

Maybe by involving the medical professionals and counsellors you can start to get some of the support you so obviously need .. to me One day respite a month sounds very slight

I am assuming there are no other options for help? family / friends even community help or local colleges with students wanting hands on experience??

just wanted to say you should congratulate yourselves this far without any help... to me it sounds like you don't need counselling as you and you DH seem to be fine you just need practical HELP... is there nothing you are entitled to have you had a full review? I hope your HV provide some answers... thinking of you with huge admiration..

Thanks Donbean and Twiglett. We are hoping counselling will help too.. ever since we thought of it last night I have been imagining how lovely it would be purely just to offload to someone who doesn't think 'OMG! I can't deal with this!' It will be their JOB to listen.. no emotional involvement or preconceptions. And this is without the possiblity that they may even be able to offer practical suggestions.

I am worried that it will be expensive though as that will make it impossible for us. I am also a tad concerned that I would sit and blub.. which is something I have never done! CRY in public.. not me at all! Actually I am worried I will do this tomorrow when the HV comes.. I was fighting it on the phone to her early. I hope to God she doesn't think we can't cope with our kids and refers us to social services! (Not that they aren't already aware of us.. but only from a disability point of view.)

Sadly though I am NOT inspriational Donbean.. wish I was.. then I wouldn't feel like crying all the time and I would not have changed my once-so-laid back DH into someone with a fuse shorter than mine and who is suffering from stress in every which way. When I met him I bet he hardly knew the meaning of the word! I feel like I have ruined his life. And I can't help thinking about the life I (or even we) thought we would have. And even if I put that out of my head, I keep thinking that next time he leaves, he will do a proper a job of it. Then I cannot imagine how I would cope.. practically or emotionally. This is what I thought I was facing yesterday.. I think I am still in shock.

Twiglet no nobody else can help really. My family rely on us! They don't know we are falling apart.. and I can't tell them that! My dad is elderly and disabled and is feeling neglected by me (I can't begin to explain to him why I haven't been round as much as usual and besides he doesn't want to hear it. He has visits from carers so is ok practically) and my mum is totally bogged down by my sister's serious illness/depression/financial difficulties which I am also involved in/trying to take some responsibility for.

I suppose we should have tried this counselling route before. I hope we CAN get it and that there is not a long wait. I feel like we are literally breaking.

As a salt working with people with pmld,I have,unfortunaltely come across a lot of families under enormous pressure like yours. You seem to recognise that a little time and space away from your children would improve matters enormously.
One thing I've learnt: those who cry out loudest,get the attention. I imagine you have been quietly struggling on. You need to kick up a fuss. Get your GP on your side,your HV and your SW. Be brutal and frank. Tell them that if you don't get some extra support,you will place your children in voluntary care. (I'm not joking. People do say this,and believe me,it works wonders. I know a woman who has recently offloaded...lets just say it's more than two...children in thisway....)

This will get things moving. SS are not doing you a favour. This is your right.

Go and kick some ass!

XXXXX

We aren't fine Mancmum.. we don't communicate properly anymore.. we don't seem to have the time or the energy and that's just to talk about our family problems, much less talk for pleasure or spend any pleasurable time together whatsoever. But you're right about us not needed Relate type counselling, I don't think we need that. I think maybe some kind of life counselling would put us on the right track.. someone who could look at our life and say 'if you did this.. or that... you might get this or that effect'. Because we have lost the ability to think or plan and if we do, we don't stick to our plans or carry anything out.

We are supposed to be going away for a few days from Wednesday to Saturday but we are not going now. We just have got the physical or mental energy required for the trip.. and coping with DS's needs in a different environment.

I am wondering if me trying to be a part time student is part of the problem. I know it is really. Sometimes I think I may as well give it up.. my grades are nothing to write home about (although I know they would be if I had the time to devote to this!).. but if I gave that up that then that is the end to my (our?) long-term plan for changing our pretty hopeless situation. My dream is that getting a degree would open doors to us to having a slightly better life. But I know that I could well be kidding myself there.

Bump for the evening crowd.

(And thank you MizMiz.. will do my best tomorrow. Will be hard.. you are right, we do 'quietly struggle on' so speaking out about what we usually keep to ourselves - for fear of what people might think, probably considering it - will be hard)

God, it sounds horrendous. I wish I could suggest something but I really don't know what I'd do, sorry. I just didn't want to ignore you, it sounds so awful your dh acting out his fantasy of leaving but not really wanting to. I think counselling sounds like a great idea or what about a support group, I mean for some advice about how to cope with the day to day reality of your situation a bit better from the pov of someone who really understands it? Sorry if that's a rubbish suggestion and sorry life's so tough atm.

MotE. Your situation sounds unbearable to be honest, and really I think you should both know that for you to have survived thus far and still know you love each other is amazing.

Family therapy does exist certainly. The kind I know about (not trained in but have worked alongside people that have) is systemic family therapy, where the therapist, as well as providing a space for you and your dh and your children to just release some of the barrage of stuff that's going on for you, will also look at your family in terms of a system and where it is breaking down iyswim. This is a v crass explanation but systemic therapy is extremely effective if all are willing to participate fully (same as any form of counselling really).

One thing though: are your children of an age where they could reasonably participate in therapy? or is it just you and dh that want somewhere to go and talk?

Your HV should be able to point you in the right direction and I would sincerely hope that in your case this therapy would be nhs...although there is so little of that around, I would hope that the people you deal with would see the seriousness and also potential benefits (there are so few people that enter into counselling with anything like the level of motivation that you and your dh seem to be displaying)>

Am not sure but our couple counsellor (through Salvation Army - only pay what you can afford) said that she was also training as a family therapist at the Tavistock Centre in London. So it definitely exists.

Have you had proper community care assessments as carers under the Carers Act? (sorry, it might not be called that). Agree wholeheartedly with whoever said you need to kick up a fuss and tell it like it really is. In the end some help now may save health and social services some serious expense in the future.

So sorry to hear that you feel so close to breaking point. Sometimes the turning point is simply acknowledging the problem(s). But I guess alongside that may be a sense that you have given yourself permission to break down a bit - for example by dropping the "facade" of coping - and that may be very frightening if you have come to see yourself as someone who is coping.

Social services can be a bit strange to deal with at times - as with everything some social workers will bend over backwards to help, while others will try to put you off. Everything available through social services should be published somewhere in their community care plan or strategy - although I'm sure you haven't got the energy to research there are some good voluntary sector agencies that exist to support people like yourselves. There is a carers support service somewhere in London which can possibly advocate for you. I can get their details if you want.

Good luck. As you say, it may be that only a few small changes could make a big difference.

Sophable, that description of systemic family therapy sounds SO what we need. Thanks for the info. Out oldest is 13.. and I KNOW he would benefit from this. He is a sensitive little soul, with lots of worries and a serious medical issue of his own and unforuntately, witnessed last nights hassle and DH 'leaving' He was really panicked but I pulled myself together and told him that he and I would handle whatever we had to.. and that this didn't make HIM the man of the house.. he would still be a 13 yr old but that I needed him to take care of HIM (not in the practical sense, but in the emotional sense) so that all this stuff did not affect his health adversely. When he saw I was taking this approach instead of falling apart, he looked really fierce and brave, bless him, and said he would be fine and he would help me.

DH deeply regrets that DS saw all this and has apologised to him today. In fact we both woke him up at 1am to show him that DH was back. But (and I'm rambling here) he is definitely the child who is most affected by all the stress and the one I can see benefiting from couselling with us. He has seen a psychologist before about aspects of his own condition and really opened up beautifully to her and made me proud. (Having said this, DS knows that at times he is part of the problem.. he, like any sibling, winds his sister up unmercifully with no provocation and raises the stress levels in the house on a daily basis.)

DD is another matter. She is 6.. and probably too young to contribute/benefit much but she would definitely indirectly benefit from us having counselling as I know she misses out on 'us' left right and centre. She is the middle child and to top it all, the 'healthy' (touchwood!) one.. so doesn't get the attention/time I would ideally like to give ger, in so many ways. (Don't get me wrong, she is far from ignored, but sometimes I fantastise about the relationship I might have had with my little girl if things has been different. Sometimes I think she is becoming hard and fickle.. which is awful, because she is only 6 and a loving happy little girl who loves cuddles and attention.. but huge issues seem to bounce off her.. almost as if she has seen it all and none of it is a big deal! I don't want this for her. She is just a baby. )

As for DS2 (the main source of the stress if you like.. bless him, but the source of a lot of joy too it has to be said).. he is 5 and not old enough/able in any way to contribute to counselling I know, due to his disaliblty/leaning difficulties. (And besides, he cares not a bit, knows nothing of stress and finds fun in every situation.. even at the expense of our sanity!! And the epilepsy meds seem to be exacerbating the situation!!)

MerryGoRound, no I don't think we have had any kind of official community care assessment. We have therapists traipsing in and out of here at a rate of knots.. but its mainly for DS2.. the only assessment either DH or I have ever had, was when DH had to beg for stair rails to help with his mobility problems due to his condition. Oh and the respite was supposed to take into account all of us as a family but I don't think the panel can have done really.. or else they didn't understand what the social worker was trying to put across on our behalf.. I really don't know.

Thanks for the input.. it really does help.. and I really do appreciate it. I haven't put the half of it into these posts really and yet your reactions have made me see that maybe we aren't 'failing' which is what it feels like to be telling an HV that we 'can't cope'.

MotE, if you don't mind blowing your anonymity, please do CAT me if you have trouble accessing systemic family therapy which you're right does sound exactly the ticket for you all. I will do my very best to help get you some, and try to find out about low cost therapy as well. if you were based in merton London I could definitely get you on a waiting list! but i know that is doubtful....

anything I can do to help i'll be glad to.

Will try to send details of your rights to a Comm Care assessment as carers tomorrow when I'm at work. Regarding family therapy, the counsellor dp and I used to go to said that even when our dd was only 2.5 (last year) she could still be involved in sessions, as part of the point was observing the family dynamics.

One other thing that struck me when reading your posts was that I got the feeling that saying no was not your strong point? Someone once said to me that instead of thinking of it is saying no to someone else's needs, think of it as saying yes to your own.

Sophable have CATed you already.. and MGR thank you.. yes you're right I don't say no that much.. sometimes to my mother but that doesn't go down too well (we have a difficult relationship.. another stress source and something else that drives DH to the brink of sanity!)
Will let you know how we get on tomorrow with the HV. You have given me the confidence to ask for what we need.. the counselling Sohpable describes makes me want to demand it IMMEDIATELY!! I KNOW we could benefit from it. To just have someone listening would be great. (This thread has also been helpful in that respect.)

Thanks again. Would still be grateful to hear from anyone who who has input re counselling (esp family kind).

Mumontheedge

I can't say anymore as I have no knowledge but I did want to say that I am still here and I am still listening if you want to talk ..

hope today is a better day

mumontheedge..

We have tried family therapy x2 for various behavioural issues we had with dd when she was a baby/toddler.
We also tried Relate (who do provide a family service too)
The pluses - time out of the explosive cauldren that was 'family life'.
someone objective to put a new perspective on things.
The feeling that someone,somewhere was trying to help our situation.

The minuses- a long referral time for NHS Counselling.
It needed a weekly commitment,which ds couldn't do because of work (so I often went with dd on my own)
The Relate counsellor was still learning- so it was more of an interesting experience for her IYSWIM.
The 2nd CAMHS therapist was awful, and gave me the impression that we weren't really a worthy case.(he actually 'sacked us'!)

Please CAT me if I can help at all.
I understand totally the stress you are all under.

Wow Unicorn thanks.. really interested in your experience. Yes, a slow referral time worries me. We need this NOW.. I have just been too slow to realise.

The HV has just phoned btw and cancelled until tomorrow which I am a bit disappointed about because I was all psyched up to tell all (although in usual style because someone was coming, I got up earlier in order to make sure it was tidy-ish.. maybe this is where I am going wrong!!).

Thanks for being there Twiglett. Yes I think today will be ok.. and yesterday was too.. but I can see what this is.. we had the big show down on Monday night and it shocked DH and I into communication but as I said to him last night, the worst thing we can do is what we usually do.. talk it out at crisis-point then go back to 'business as usual' with no change (because we seem powerless to be objective and there really does seem so little scope for proper changes) until we get to breaking point again. And even though I feel close to DH, I still feel as though I have a tight fist grasping my insides in a death grip all the time.. and could cry at the drop of a hat (but don't!).

Will let you know, obviously, how it goes tomorrow.

mote, how crap of her to cancel! you are a family in crisis and she needs to get her arse round to see you!!!!

i've emailed you, the second mail has what i hope will be some helpful info.
x

Here is a link to the Tavistock clinic: www.tavi-port.org/NEWindex.htm
You can be referred I think via a doctor for family therapy. There is lots of info on their site. It's in London - not sure where you are.

This is the number of the Carer's National Association: 0345 573 369 (local rate charged). They can tell you about your rights as carers. There are possibilities under the Carers (Recognition and Services) Act 1995 - but services would not be to you directly but in the form of additional services to the person you care for - eg respite care, night sitting etc. YOu need to ask for an assessment, and it would normally happen when the person you care for is due for reassessment. However, reassessment could be because you are finding it hard to cope. (As was said before, in order to get anything you have to be prepared to admit how hard things really are, or else social services will happily let you get on with it).

If you are also caring (in a substantial way) for anyone over 18 (parent?) then you may also have the right to an assessement on request under the Carers and Disabled Children Act 2000. The benefit of this is that services under this act can be provided direct to you.

Good luck.

Hi folks. Sophable thanks for the email info.. really interesting. .esp the counselling service in my town that I didn't even realise was there. Have walked past it dozens of times!

Well HV came this morning and she was coming out with statements like you all have in this thread such as that she has no idea how we have got to this stage whichout any form of input by way of professional counselling to help us cope.. and that she is so suprised we have coped for as long as we have without splitting up (scary! ).. and that I really really have to learn to say no to people. Thing is, with the latter.. I don't see how I can.. my mum and sister and dad need me and there isn't anyone else! Even DH is not really shouldering much of the burden there (well he helps with my dad) nor do I feel I can 'offload' to him re those stresses anymore.. because I know he is fed up to the back teeth with all the hassles which are being inflicting on us and just adding to our stress.

And besides, I do say no sometimes.. I say, for instance 'mum I just can't do (such and such).. I have no time.. and I have to do (whatever)..' and then the sh*t really hits the fan.. I get made to feel very guilty and mostly end up doing the errand anyway.. in fact she probably knows I will and so do I. And besides, you have to help out your family don't you? Especially when there is nobody else to do these things. What kind of daughter/sister would ignore the genuine needs of their parents/sibling?

The HV has referred us for family counselling in a town nearby.. but not sure what we are going to do with DS2 (the high maintenance one!). We are not exactly overflying with babysitters.. and I find myself unwilling to tell my best friend (who could/would have him). I don't know why but I don't think she would understand even though I have always told her everything/most things. We are close to her and her DH.. but mine and DH's relationship is not the same as theirs.. she see's DH's recent stressed behaviour (and she doesn't even know about Monday when he 'left'!)as selfish. sigh I don't know.

HV also noted how I am very good at expressing myself verbally (verbal diarrhoea I'm sure she meant! ) whereas DH's responses are more measured and thoughtful and he obviously finds it much more difficult to express himself. (She said this after he had left for a blood test appointment.) She said that the counsellor will probably talk to us seperately as well as together which I agree would be a good thing esp. for DH. (Just hope that he doesn't 'offload' that he doesn't want to be with me and the kids anymore!! ) But I am 'looking forward' to the counselling, in fact I wish it would happen tomorrow!! There is a max. 3-4 month waiting list but that could be worse I realise.

HV is also writing a letter to try and hurry up our re-housing.. which I am not holding my breath about because although our council house is extremely unsuitable for DS2's physical needs and we have been assessed as needing a move and then adaptions asap, I also know that such things can take years and years. She could see that this adds to our stresses a lot.. (there is no space however much we de-clutter and the stairs are a problem for both DS2 AND DH) but there are so few properties available of the type we need.

So we will keep plodding along. I am trying to relieve DH from stress as much as possible, getting up earlier etc so I can deal with kids/breakfast etc on my own and not waking him until later which I can probably do until the new term when getting them all ready for school with their various extra needs is very hard for one person when time is limted. But the kids will still argue and all the outside pressures still keep coming in. And no doubt I will blow my top sometimes however hard I try not to. I can't tell my mum about all this.. it will just add to her worries and she will stress further, thus inflicting in back upon US (well, me) further and anyway what's the point in burdening other people with it?

Thanks for all the input/being there/caring, it really means a lot and it's good to know MN is here to keep me going until we get this counselling. I know the counselling won't wave a magic wand but I think it might help. And DH has a GP appointment on Friday which I will attend with him to see if he can get a referal back to a pain clinic (HV's suggestion) and maybe some other input re stress management/relaxation.

Thanks again x

Thought I'd add to this thread.. as it's the same person.. same old sht... well worse in some respects. There ARE some positives since last time I posted.. we are definitely getting the couselling soon (not appointment yet) but Dh and I have been managing everything a bit better.. but all the stuff that keeps happening.. it's almost a joke except it's not funny Not trying to pretend other families don't have sht happening but I think if this was an Eastenders plot it would be criticised for being unbelievable.

Our oldest child (not the severely disabled one) has got a new complication to HIS serious medical condition which is going to mean a certain kind of extra treatment for life (whatever 'life' means for him ) We found out this last week and the next day I visited my dad to find him collapsed on the floor. We still don't know what happened and that day was awful as I tried to get different services sorted out for him (he was up and 'ok' within hours) with the health service letting us down left right and centre.
Meanwhile although my sister's medical condition has stablisied her depression has got worse and last night my mum found out she had been researching ways to kill herself on the internet. (I know she has the guts to do it.. she tried ten years ago and only phoned me to take her to hospital when she knew it hasn't worked because she threw the tablets all back up). My sister is waiting for counselling (she probably won't go but we have sorted it for her.. she isn't taking her anti depressants that I took her to the doctors to get 3 weeks ago so doubt she's comply with anything else). This morning my mum phoned the mental health on call service for advice and a lady came out to talk to sis. She went mental and locked my mum out the house. The mental health worker called the police.. meanwhile I was at keep fit class (what the bloody hell was I there for? Good question.. haven't been for months and got out to find all hell had been breaking loose).. I got all the messages and DH and I drove straigtht there. At the same time found out my dad had had another fall and couldn't remember how it happened to had to send DH over there instead of me (despite the carers asking for me because I am his next of kin). The police were all over my mum's front garden saying they wouldn't leave until they knew my sister was ok. The neighbours were all watchingl ike it was the best spectavle they had seen for years in that (fairly posh) area. I eventually got sis to talk to police through the bathroom window (had seen for myself that she was not in the act of commiting suicide but they wouldn't take my word for it) they spoke to her and still wouldn't leave. Had something of a disgareement with them over it.. and still more came!! Eventually they called sis's GP.. it was a bloody farce I can tell you.. the more people came the less inclined she was to come out of the bathroom! Finally GP got her to agree to a local appointment with a mental health worker this afternoon.. some friends came and picked up my mum who was v.distressed and GP made police leave. (BLOODY police with nothing better to do.. realise they have a job to do but they were making sitation worse.. said they had to be sure she was not going to 'do something' right after they left! I said how can you be sure of that? Are you going to stay forever then??!) So just me and sis there by now.. and she said to me she is going nowehere and noone can make her.. she just said she would go to appointment to make police go.

In the end I lost it with her. I know you are not supposed to lose it with depressed people but HOW much does she think we can all take? She could be helping me with the problem of sorting out our dad but no, she sits around contemplating suicide! What a luxury to have the time! And Yes aren't I selfish.. I do relaise she is very ill but she will not be helped. I said she will end up sectioned if she carries on like this and she said GOOD! DO IT!

I left in the end. I had to go to my dad's to deal with that situation. Sister is still there on her own.. alive I presume but who knows.. mum too stressed to go back there so she is coming here.. I have spoken on phone to the person sis was supposed to have an appointment with and she has given me some numbers for us of sister to phone when she wants to talk to her or the person on duty and I have text sister the info.

I keep having kind of internal anxiety attacks that make me feel awful.. sort of like panic attacks but not that bad.. I feel like I can't take any more but it all keeps happening. If I could run away I would.

Anybody got ANY idea what I should be doing about all this??? I am supposed to be studying for my final assessment in a week's time! HA BLOODY HA!!!!

Anyone? Sorry to sound stupid and desperate but need objective input urgently if at all poss.

This is very hard you can not take responsibility for your family as it is affecting you adn dh and your children. I would suggest you contact social services about your dad although if he hass carers I presume this has already been done.Your sister is ill so although it is hard if you don't intervene it may be easier for her to get the help she need I know this sounds harsh but I think you need to take a step back and try not to feel guilty. You have only sop much time each day / week so perhpas you could organise your time around what must be done each day ie kids to school / study time. adn then fit in other things such as visits to dad/mum/sister and time with your daughter so that it is in a routine rather than a constant stream of demands on you.sorry probably not much help

Am gobsmacked by what you are having to deal with and have nothing useful to say at all.... just bumping this for you and hope you get the help/advice you need soon soon soon...

Hi how are things today for you? As others have said you are in no position to take on any other responsibilities outside your own kids and DH. If you do you will probably crack up which will jeopardise your own family unit. Its not a question of being ruthless or tough just a question of survival. Your df probably needs to go into some sort of home or sheltered housing. The more imput you give however the less support/assistance social services will give. This certainly puts any problems I have well and truly into perspective. I know you have no alternative and don't want to be patronising but I do think it is fantastic that you have kept going for so long with all these problems.