This will be a bit long winded, but for a while, I kept convincing myself that it's just my insecurities, but now I'm worrying I just don't trust him.
Months ago, I had a blow up with DP regarding his ex. I knew he was still in contact with her, and thought I wasn't thrilled by it as she really messed him about, I thought there's not much I can do about it and least he's honest. However, I found out that he was still very flirty with her and said things that you wouldn't say to just a friend let alone his exgf! Though it may not have been physical (yet) it felt like an emotional affair. It made me doubt him a little, and it knocked my trust in him a little too. However, we worked at it and I felt better for it.
However, lately, something just doesn't feel right. I have access to his emails just like he does with me. When I was checking his emails regarding job applications, I saw an email from a girl I had not heard of. I thought this was a bit strange as since the whole thing with his ex, I kept telling him I need him to be honest with me about girls, just so I don't end up the jealous psycho type.
Btw, before I go further, a little background on me. I had three crap relationships before DP. I was physically and emotionally abused by the last ex. He used me to make other girls jealous, he cheated on me, he even bragged about it to me when we were still together (I was in a horrible horrible place that I found it so difficult to get out of) so I realise my insecurities about my DP talking to other girls is through this. Not because I think he's gonna do what my ex did to me but because it's that normal feeling that bubbles up when I knew ex was seeing a girl he worked with or just some girl (yes I feel like a dumbass everytime I look back to what was happening ).
Anyway I feel ashamed to say I snooped a little. There were more messages from her in his deleted folder, as I never look there. I have no need to look there. There was a couple of emails where they had said they were going to talk on MSN really late at night, like 1am, which I'm usually asleep at. I find this really odd. He also signed up to AOL which he has never used before and has only signed up to in the last couple of days. I don't like this at all. I feel really sick and I know that the feelings of insecurities from my ex coming through, but I'm also worried.
On one hand, I think if he was really trying to hide something from me, he would have covered his tracks better and deleted all the emails properly so I wouldn't have been able to find them at all. But on the other hand, I don't know how to feel about it. The fact that he's trying to talk to her when I'm not about is really really odd. I dunno what to do now Sorry if this sounds really rushed, but I have family coming round soon and this has been eating up at me for the last couple of days and I just needed to get it out. Sometimes I feel like I should never have got into a relationship with DP because I just feel so messed up from my past.