Telling my kids I'm having sex with someone other than their dad

[VictoriasLittleKnownSecret]

As the title says......

I was with their father for 30 years.

We have been separated for 9 months and divorced for 4.

On hearing that I had a new b/f 4 mths ago the 'amicable divorce' went up in smoke. ExH has been possessive, aggressive and stopped child maintenance whilst threatening to take custody of all children.

My older teens want me to be happy but are struggling to adjust. The youngest 8 yr old has met b/f and is fine with him. The teens feel torn with loyalty to their dad although they do want me to keep seeing new man because 'he makes me happy'. They don't dislike him.

I am planning to visit new man in 2 weeks taking the youngest with me. I would sleep in his bed and she would borrow his DC's bed (they live with their mother)

I want to stay with him but am scared of their reaction when they realise sleeping arrangements. The ex will possibly self combust which could be a good thing. More likely he will tell everyone (the children) how awful I am and how insensitive to the needs of my children......etc etc

I shouldn't care but I do.

Is that a daft idea? Am I daft to be worrying?

you're daft to be worried.

They will get over it, your ex won't but it really doesn't matter what he thinks.

I'm sure you don't need to mention the actual sex.

I'm a bit as to why you titled your post as you did......

Are you actually going to tell all DCs concerned that you are shagging??

It's tough in the early days but in time, it will become the norm........ you and your new DP.

I won't be telling them about sex

It will be obvious that we share a bed and he will then tell them and spare nothing

Why? Why would he be so graphic with children?

found the title a bit odd too, sorry. Dont think you need to tell them your having sex with anyone...

Mouse - because he would wish to hurt them and turn them against me

Unfortunately

I think the reaction to the title is highlighting the issue I'm concerned about. Being obvious about a sexual relationship in front of children......... and by being obvious I merely mean sharing the same bedroom. Ex will use it to his advantage to upset the DC

Is it strictly necessary then? Sometimes you just have to slow these things down a bit while everybody adjusts.

If he is oging to use inappropriate sexual language in front of his children, perhaps he needs supervised contact sessions.

they do not deserve to be subjected to his disgusting bitter rants, they have done nothing wrong.

Your XP is a nob. He is the one behaving inappropriately if he is discussing your sex life with the DC. You are perfectly entitled to have sex with whoever you like, you are divorced from your XP and it is none of his business.

No it's not necessary BoF

I was seeking opinion to help me decide whether I should get over my hesitation or whether it's well founded

I think I will slow it down

I agree they don't deserve it Colditz.

Ex will use it to his advantage....

You can't stop him then. If you share a bed with this man and the DCs say to dad - 'yeah, mum and sleep in the sme bed' sure, it's fuel for his fire but these are flames that can be quickly doused.

He is at a disadvantage and knows it. You fully expect him to do this so deal with it. Pre-empt him. Tell the DCs that you and your new BF are going to sleep in his/your room.

TBH - the DCs most likely wont give a frig.

Deal with a fall out IF and when it happens if you want... just enjoy yourself. XH will do as he pleases no matter what you do or say.

I think that you are worrying way before you need to. Go have fun!!!!

I do think you need to slow things down, you're right to come to that conclusion.

It seems very soon after your separation and divorce to have a new bf introduced to your kids and you taking one of them to stay with him. If you had been separated for longer before divorcing then they would have had more time to get used to their parents not being together before someone new came on the scene.

I agree with mouseface.

Your XP is going to be a nob about this no matter how long you wait. I expect you binned him because he considered you a 'woman' rather than a person ie someone who existed for his benefit and was obliged to obey him.
He is the one being unkind and vindictive. Tell your DC (if there is any fall out) that Daddy might be angry with you but he still loves them and not to worry about it, no need to discuss it any further.

Hmmm.
It's not been a year yet and you say the older teens are struggling to adjust.
I'd still go for the visit but I wouldn't be blatant about which bed you are sleeping in. TBH teens are quite happy to block out their parents' sex lives - in whatever context - and I think you should allow for taht to be easy for them. The 8 yo probably won't take any notice if you go to go to bed in a seperate room and won't be able to talk about it either and have her words twisted.

Never mind the ex, he's an adult and can handle the truth himself. I would just be concerned for your teens, still adjusting, who have to contemplate their parent having sex, and the 8 year old who could be manipulated into saying things that could be twisted by your ex.

I don't think you should be taking your youngest with you while you sleep in BF bed.. not right at all. If XH finds out, you will pay for it dearly, besides it just leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.. a kind of Jeremy Kyle flavour taste.

Slow it right down.

Don't involve the DC, at all in your relationship until you are absolutely certain that it is serious, lasting and a proper relationship. For all we know you could be on the rebound, this could be over in a couple of months and you've lost your DC respect.

Your DC have had their family break up a little over a year ago, they have been through the mill and you are thinking of bunking in with BF with your youngest in the next room after only 4 months? No, that's not right.