It's my fault; but this time, I can't fix it.

[coolbeans]

Apologies in advance as this is long, I've had too much wine, but I needed it tonight.

DH is up in front of a disciplinary hearing next week and is facing the sack for gross misconduct.
It's political - new company wanting to get rid of the old guard - he really hasn't done anything that would warrant being fired, but I suspect it is going to happen. And he does not have the skills to fight back.

Trouble is, he wouldn't be in this position if it wasn't for me.

We both come from very abusive childhoods, but eventually I got therapy and worked through my demons. DH hasn't had therapy.

I pushed him. I did. I thought that it was all about him not having enough confidence, enough self-belief. So I pushed, and cajoled and coached and wrote letters and got him into a job with prospects and he progressed. And I kept pushing and helping and cajoling to the point where he was promoted into a job that he can't do.

It's my fucking fault. And now it's all coming crashing around my ears. He needs support and propping up and I can do that. But fuck, I'm tired. I'm so scared. I want someone to tell me it will be OK, but I haven't got that. I'm tired of being strong, but I know it's down to me, it's where I've put myself.

I'm the main breadwinner, always have been, and I will support us all. I accept my responsibility, but I’m still scared and tired.

I wish I had had a normal childhood, with good role models that didn't lead me into wanting to rescue people. I wanted to rescue him, help him realise his full potential. What about me. (sorry, I know that's self indulgent).

And my little boy - I want more for him. The nanny will have to go (has your sympathy disappeared yet?) and we will have to downscale (I know thousands of people have had to do this).

I'm just sad and scared. I can't tell him - he's in bits as it is. He needs me to be strong, to tell him that it's all fine, we'll be good, it's all going to be OK, and it will be. I can do that. But I wish that I could lean. Do people lean? I don't even know.

How long has he worked there? If he really hasn't committed gross misconduct, can you fight it legally? Is he in a union?

(focusing on the practical)

Sorry you are sad and scared. I am worried about downscaling and similar family issues myself (have posted in Chat on this today). Do you have someone else you can share your feelings with so you can let it out that way and be strong for your DH?

Hi Coolbeans,
Don't have any practical advice for you, sorry, but just to say yes it is ok, in fact someimes it is necessary to lean.
Best wishes.

Jesus, no-ones dying of cancer here. Just pick yourselves up and move on; life's too short for all this anguish.

Let the poor man make his own way from now on.

It will be ok, people go through much harder things and they are ok, as long as you have each other you will survive. Chin up love and fight for your dp as hard as you can.

Focus on the positives he can spend some time being a SAHD giving your son the emotional parental input neither of you ever had. It could give him the time and space and desire to do some therapy.

Bless you both for answering my witterings.

No - I can't really tell anyone else - part of my psychopathology (may have got the terminology wrong )

I do want to lean - the lyrics are apt, no?

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Oh dear.

What exactly are you scared of? You are the main earner - so your income will reduce but not stop. If he's at home no need for a nanny.

It might be the making of him...and you.

oh love! you sound so scared! but i am going to say this to you!

do you know, it really may not be as bad as you think, i know it feels terrifying at teh moment, but give you both a chance - you may find that living in a smaller house, your dh having so much less stress (cos trying to hang on to a job you cant do is soul destroying) may have its upside, ok, so no nanny, that equals no stranger in your house!, a bit less money, ok, smaller house equals smaller mortgage, do you get my drift?

it sounds like you have both strived and strived for something that you thought would make you happy, the thing is, all you really need is each other! your son needs a happy mummy and daddy, not overworked, stressed out robots.

i know how desperate things look right now but ime, even shitty things seem to happen for a reason - your lives are not necesarirly (sp) going to become worse, howver hard it is, you both really need to try and look for the positives in the situation and try to lean on each other!

It's completely mad to say you caused this.

I worked for one of the most notoriously asshole-led, asshole-following, asshole companies in the FTSE100. They completely fucking broke me, because I am/was the sort of high-achieving, try-hard fool they needed to bolster their overblown, corrupt lifestyles and to punish for being a better person than any of them. I wasn't the first, I was just one in along line of [see above].

Things being as they are, I find it helpful to see this sort of situation as walking into a snake's nest. You may know it's full of snakes before you go in, but you have no fucking idea of what aggressive, poisonous bastards they are until they've crippled you.

So in what way did you cause this? Why aren't you sympathising with him, instead of beating your own chest?

Good grief - that was a bit of an overblown and melodramatic post. Sorry - too much merlot.

Thanks JWN - that was a really sweet message and it's true, we will need to look at the positives that we can get out of the situation. Plus it hasn't happened yet, so there's no point in projecting forward into the worst case scenario. Will have to deal with what happens as it happens.

It's a good point, ItsGrace. I do feel responsible but it's probably misplaced. DH lacks confidence, and this is his worst fear, that he would somehow get 'found out' and punished because he's not able enough. He is perfectly able, it's the bloody (FTSE100) company he works for. They're just awful, and it is probably true that he doesn't know how to deal with the poisonous office politics. But it's not his fault, and he's feeling crap and I want to make it better and I can't and it frustrates me, and so I blame myself and so on and so on. I need to rein in my White Knight tendencies and focus on helping him, rather than trying to rescue everything.

And the poor sod has had to go to work this morning (he left at 6.30 am!) to deal with something that his boss should have covered. .

I'm hungover (boo) and now have to cope/entertain small, boisterous child. It's a good reminder of why I don't really drink!

You got him in a job with prospects and then he progressed. He progressed all on his own - you weren't in the office on a daily basis, were you? There's no way this is your fault - you supported and encouraged your DH, which is admirable. And you may well end up a happier family without the stress of the hideous job .

You can use this to bring you all closer together. Try to look for the virtue in giving up some material things.

Next week, I am going to funeral of colleague who died very quickly from aggressive cancer leaving young family. I suspect that he would have loved to be in your DH's position (don't mean to be dismissive but just to put it in perspective).

If he becomes a SAHD your children will value that bit forever. I was at home for 3 mths last year after redundancy and my children really wished that I didn't go back to work as I went to every match and sports lesson and every school event. They really, really loved it altho' I was distracted by work things...I wished that I had enjoyed it more, in hindsight.

warm wishes

May I just add that in the present climate, people at the bottom of the ladder are being kicked out too, and not just in aggressive commercial companies. Not progressing to a senior position would not necessarily have saved his job. Indeed you might have been beating yourself up today because if only you'd pushed him harder he might have been more valued by his employer... You did what you thought was right at the time, and that's all any of us can do. It is not your fault and it is not his fault. Life just sucks sometimes.

Hey coolbeans, hope you are not feeling too bad this morning.

It sounds as though you have provided some great support. You've had therapy and you've been able to help and support your dh, so that despite his poor start in life and his apparent lack of confidence, he has done well.

I agree with hassled. It is not all your responsibility. Your dh deserves a lot of credit for having the ability and skills and perserverence to progress in his career.

All through these years you have probably been leaning on each other. It can sometimes feel as though we are the one doing all the supporting, but it's rarely like that if you look at it objectively. Leaning together, offering mutual support, is a good way to have a strong relationship. Best of luck in the next stage of this.

Coolbeans, you supported him, helped him to get an interview. The employer took the decision to hire him. He worked and did what his employer needed him to do, and he worked hard and progressed himself.

The new guard is in, and wants a clean sweep, that is no reflection on either you or him.

Get legal advice about wrongful dismissal and fight it if you can. If they are a FTSE 100 company they have money and they can damned well pay him off.

Stay calm, your family needs you to be calm. Stop blaming yourself, you have done nothing wrong at all. Either of you.