What would your DH have done..?

[scarlotti]

I'm interested to know what other people think about what happened..

DH was out with mates from work.
I was looking for something in DD's room (DD is just 16, DH's DSD) and came across a sheet of paper with a grid on. In the boxes were different methods of suicide and the pros and cons of each.
Needless to say I felt sick to my stomach.
I rang DH on his mobile and told him what I'd found. We spoke a while about it and talked over what we thought about it, when we thought it had been written etc. etc.
He then said he'd ring me later to check I was ok. DD was at her Dad's for the night.

DH never did ring me back and didn't mention it the following day until well after lunch.

I am interested to know what people think his response should have been. I've spoken to DD about it and that side is all sorted and nothing for me to worry about.
Now I'm left feeling that I can't rely on DH for support - am I being unreasonable to think he should have at least rung back to check I was ok, or even come home?

Id not have asked or expected DH to come home. Id maybe be a little annoyed that he hadnt phoned back, but Id have texted/phoned him myself if I needed to talk.

Why were you waiting for him to mention it? Perhaps he was waiting for you?

Did you ask him to come home? Did you phone her dad?

Was he pretty drunk when you spoke to him? Hard to say really. I think men compartmentalise things so it could be that as he has spoken with you he will be thinking all is well til you raise it again.

He should have phoned if he'd said he would but did you tell him you wante4d him home?

Sorry another question! Why did she draw the grid?

I had one like that but I had to do it for part of my psychology assignment on assisted suicide and euthanasia, it would be a normal thing in my house!

I wouldn't have told my dh until i had spoken to my dd but thats because dh would have panicked (his mum took her own life), if i had to tell him i would guess he would ask me to deal with it.

He wasn't drunk, it was only 7pm.

We've been having problems for a while so I guess I didn't mention it as I was wanting to see if he brought it up, and I was annoyed that he hadn't phoned back as he'd promised.
I didn't mind he didn't come home - a friend in RL had suggested that is what he should have done so I was interested in other opinions.

Turns out she drew it up a year or more ago when relations between her and I were strained. We've since spoken at length and our relationship (me and DD) is so much better now so I'm not worried on that score.

It was support for me that I wanted from him.

I think he's got his priorities wrong. My dp would have rung later or come home early, no question.

Not read other answers but I wouldn't have called him in the first place tbh. I'd have waited until he was home and sober. So, I wouldn't really have expected him to ring back in the evening if on a works do

My dh would have come straight home.

My dh would have acted exactly as yours did. He is a terrible mind reader.

If I had needed him to come home I would have asked him to come home and he would have done so gladly.

If I had wanted him to come home but not said so, and then felt resentful that he didn't guess that I wanted him to come home, he would have felt mortified that he hadn't supported me when I needed his support, but also a bit agrieved that I wanted hm to play silly guessing games in the middle of a night out with mates (when his faculties are not always at their sharpest).

Thanks for the replies, it's interesting to see what others think or might have done.
He was sober when I spoke to him as it was so early, and I rang as I was so shaken by what I'd found.
As we've been having problems for a while, one of which is his continued lack of support, I was curious as to what he would naturally think to do ... and I got my answer.
I wasn't playing silly guessing games - I was trying to work out what he would do in the situation of his own accord.
If you know you would get support in various situations then that changes things.

I do kind of agree he's got his priorities wrong, but I also think I'd have probably explicitly asked him to come home right then if I'd wanted him to (which I would have). Men some people do need to be told what we want of them - if you say "oh, I'm okay" but actually mean "I'm in bits and desperately need a hug", they will just believe the "okay" part. Especially if they want to

On the other hand, I would expect DH to be as upset as I would be if it was my DD1 (who is DH's DSD) and want to rush home immediately, so would feel pretty mad if he didn't

scarlotti, you said you didn't bring it up because you wanted to see if he would.
it sounds like you are deliberately putting obstacles in the way, to see if he will fail. if it was important for you to discuss it with him then you would have bought it up. are you harbouring resentment towards him for something else? are you testing his/your feelings?
game playing won't help you find answers, it will just make things more complicated.

glad your dd is ok

I wouldn't have rung him on the night out, but would have waited until the next day anyway.

If I had rung him, he would probably have done the same as your man just absent mindedly rather than not giving a shite. When I reminded him he would have jumped to it and been ashamed that he forgot.I wouldnt have been surprised if he had forgot when on a bender. Had I told him at home or when he was on the way home from work or something, I would expect himt to be much more attentive.

LeQueen - at the time it wasn't a test. I found the letter and was shaken so rang him to speak about it. We spoke and talked it through and I felt better then. He said he'd ring me later to check I was ok and didn't.
We've been in relate for months now, and this isn't the first time. I felt let down that he didn't ring back but wondered if I was over-reacting hence my asking what others would have done.
When we do sit down and discuss things face to face, he will tell me what I want to hear and then not do anything he's promised.

Like Sazisi has said
"On the other hand, I would expect DH to be as upset as I would be if it was my DD1 (who is DH's DSD) and want to rush home immediately, so would feel pretty mad if he didn't"

That's what's annoyed me, and I'm saddened that again when I needed a bit of support and checking I was ok, I was let down.

Sorry, I'm not sure why you didn't ring your DD's dad? Particularly given that she was there for the night anyway, and for all you know, the note was very recent and you could have asked her dad how she was behaving at his house?

The relationship with her Dad isn't like that. He wouldn't have known what to do with the information, or wanted to get involved with it.

I appreciate it's difficult to see the ins and outs of a situation when you just get a snapshot on mn.

I'd spoken to friends in RL and got such different reactions that I was curious as to what others would have done.

The situation I'm in at the moment is leaving me feeling quite vulnerable and emotionally strained so I'm going to sign off from this thread, before I start getting upset by reading into replies tones that probably aren't meant.

Don't get upset, Scarlotti, we're just trying to understand the situation a bit better. It's important to get an idea of the relationships between all members of the family.

"The relationship with her Dad isn't like that. He wouldn't have known what to do with the information, or wanted to get involved with it." Is that not just what most men would be like though, including your DH?

I've never had the experience of finding something like that, but I dunno.....I can kind of imagine that in that situation, where my DH was out at the pub, I might probably prefer to ring someone female to get their point of view. I'm not sure a man would be the best person to ask about teenage girl emotional angst. I'm not sure they'd get it.