"Why would they want to get married?"

[Over40]

Was recently having a discusssion with my mum (72)about two friends who have both lived with their partners for over 7 years and are also both in their very early 30's. Now I know that both the ladies concerned would like to be married and have kids but are waiting to be asked/don't feel they can push it/are in denial to all but their BF's.

Dear old ma reckons "Why would they (the men) want to get married when they have it all on a plate already?" Have they sold themselves short?

Discuss......

You may turn your paper over and have 3 hours.

Surely marriage is the choice of the couple concerned. It's interesting that your mum feels women provide the 'service' of children and regular sex to men rather than it being mutually beneficial. I like being married but I have friends with dcs who choose not to and one friend with dcs who would like to be married but her dp doesn't.
Marriage (indeed relationships) should not be based on the sole decision of one partner and if these women are not happy, they should be pro-active about it.

I think your Mum's right! but she comes from a time when women withheld sex and living together until the man married them.

Living with a man is the quickest way to stop his proposing, s many people find out when they move in and their bf stops talking about it. Even though men are statistically happier when married than women are, marriage is to many men seen as really just sex, company, chore-sharing and (these days) help with the bills. When you give him all those benefits by moving in with him, marriage then becomes seen as just all the negatives: expensive divorce, hassle to get out, etc.

I wouldn't live with a man unless I was married to him. Even though marriage didn't stop ex-H sodding off, it stopped my having to lose the house because he left.

Your mother is right. Marriage was originally a way in which women achieved financial and social security and men got legitimate heirs! These days, there are no real financial or social advantages to being married except - as already mentioned - in the case of death (no death duties for surviving spouse) or divorce (marital assets split evenly). If it weren't for romantic notions of commitment and the lure of a nice party few people would still go along with it.

Modern society is a bit - sorry about use of un-politically-correct term- mad about marriage these days.
On one hand, cohabiting is socially acceptable and is seen as "as good as" marriage yet people spend a year's salary on their wedding day and fret about stuff like bridesmaids' dresses. It's mad.
I'd like to see "civil partnerships" for heterosexuals myself. This would ensure that nobody could get out of making a legal commitment (which after all is what marriage is when all is said and done) on grounds of religion, or not "needing" a "piece of paper to love one another". ( well of course they don't but that's not the point)
It would clearly be a legal tie only and if a person's partner won't sign on the dotted line even if the other partner wants to it would be plain that they weren't prepared to put their money where their mouth is when it comes to legal/financial cover for their partner in the event of intestacy or a split.

lazarusb : "It's interesting that your mum feels women provide the 'service' of children and regular sex to men rather than it being mutually beneficial."

Oh heavens!!! Now nothing could be further from the truth in my parents marriage! There's was very traditional but by no means was mum only there to provide a service to dad. They had a genuinly mutually beneficial relationship from knowing who put the bins out (without having to discuss it) to which schools to send us to. It always used to make me laugh that dad would spend months debating with himself the merits of different new cars but all it took was for mum to say "I don't like that one" for it to be written off the list. This being a women who still only knows my car is "red".

I do have a personal theory that we are all so scared of "growing up" and that it is this idea that puts off (some) men from getting married as thats what grown ups do...
Now men can put this off for ages but us girls with a biological shelf life have a little more pressure behind us. I always wince when I hear someone in their early 30's say "I've loads of time yet". Yes you might! And yes you very well might not!
Sorry slightly off topic but related I think.

I don't know Chil1234, those advantages you mention are serious enough to make people marry.
Also, I think there are quite a few people (of both sexes) who marry even though they know deep down it won't last because they envisage some financial gain in the divorce courts.