My friend is having an affair ...

[sixesandsevens]

My friend is having an affair and I've never really said anything to her about it (although she also lies to me when we're supposed to be meeting up and suddenly she has to be somewhere else).

But after reading some of the threads on here I'm just really sickened by the damage it causes to both families. The guy she is having an affair with is married with two young children. She is married but doesn't have any children of her own. She's not planning on leaving her husband .

Before I've just tried not to judge her as she's a very good friend. I've never said what I really think, as it's not any of my business.

Should I just continue to say nothing?

I have a friend who is having an affair with a married man - he has no plans to leave his wife and child - it's just an ongoing sex thing. I tell her at every opportunity, in the nicest possible way, that what she is doing is wrong and utterly pointless.

People involved in this type of situation usually rely on your unwillingness to confront them or tell them they are in the wrong to delude themselves that what they are doing isn't so bad.

but if its not so bad why do they have to sneak around and lie about it?

You don't have to fall out with her but you don't have to collude with her either.

Guess its depends on you, can you continue to put up with it? I couldnt not say anything but affairs go against everything I believe in so thats why.

Personally I wonder if your friend is using you as a story for where she is to her husband.

dON 'T COVER FOR HER.

dON'T LISTEN TO HER WHEN SHE TALKS ABOUT HIM.

How long's the affair been going on?

I think your friend has put you in a really difficult position. Say nothing and you are supporting the affair. Say something to the husband and you are to blame for any fallout.

I think you need to talk to her. Not to judge her and the OM (or she'll not listen) but to say you are a friend of the marriage. You think it's her responsibility to talk to her h. Right now she is failing to give her h a chance to fix whatever's missing in the marriage.

If you are really unhappy to be in the position of knowing what's going on, but being sworn to secrecy, tell her you cannot see her until she lets him know.

I would never cover for her, I think she knows that much. It's a strange situation, because I'm so anti-lying, that often I talk about how someone has lied and how much I hate it - which I suddenly realised must make her feel really uncomfortable. But I've never actually pulled her up on what she's doing, other than to say be careful. She tries to justify what she's doing by saying it's just a bit of fun and it's not serious. In a horrible, unfriendly way, I kind of want them to get caught out, but then I would hate the children involved to get hurt.

It really makes me sad that she does it, but I don't think she'll stop

Her DH is not really a friend of mine as such. But I've known her since childhood/

Oh ... I feel really and

I agree with hcv.

If you come across as judgemental she'll not listen and the guilt will compel her to stay with the man, not the opposite.

I would tell your friend that you don't want to see her again until she's worked things out with her husband.

You are right. Affairs devastate lives but those who are most affected are the children. Remember she's going out with someone who has no thought for the consequences of his actions and, as she has no children, she could end up (maybe) as a step mum to kids that will definitely hate her. Very few people win this game.

She is your friend, so don't leat something like this come between you. If you are not happy, just try to change to conversation if she mantions it. Otherwise, don't get involved.If you are a real friend you will be there for her to pick her up when it all goes wrong. true friends are there for the good and the bad.

yes I'll have to think hard about it. She's been a friend for nearly 30 years.

Perhaps it's best for me not to be around her for the moment. But I don't think she would ever forgive me for telling her to work it out before I would speak to her again.

And she'll never work it out with her husband, the reason she's having an affair is because she's way too scared to leave him (has been unhappily married for years). He's well off (to put it mildly), and she doesn't want to be on her own.

So I think if I get involved it would be the end of our friendship. Which makes me selfish?

Personally, I'd stick by her. I'd make it quite clear I wouldn't lie for her in any way, or act as an alibi, and I'd keep the conversation firmly off of the affair.

However, you've really no idea what it's like to be in her life. One thing that getting older has taught me is that, you really can never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That doesn't excuse it or make it right in any way. But, believe me, it will come to a head one way or another, sooner or later. Either her husband or his wife will find out, or she will leave hubby, or leave the affair (stranger things have happened). And stopping your friendship with her won't prevent damage being done to his family - the deed is done now and even if your friend stopped the affair tomorrow the spouses could still one day find out.

Whatever, happens, there may well come a time later when she needs you for support. It would be a shame to lose 30 years of friendship, I think. And there may come a day you need her understanding, who knows...

I don't think you should stop being her friend but I think it's fair to tell her (kindly) that you don't really like talking about the affair and would prefer conversation stayed on other topics. That way you aren't condoning it, and you're also not letting her have that outlet of talking to a friend about things. But you can still be her friend and be there if/when things go wrong

I would really suggest that you DO talk to her about it. I had an affair a few years ago, and a big frustration for me was that my friends would not talk about it. Fair enough, you might think, but the same people had been happy to talk about my love life when it was more "acceptable"- suddenly, when I needed that chat, they wouldn't.

I was having an affair really because I was unhappy about other things and unwilling to address them, and what I needed was someone to challenge me on it. Eventually one friend did say "you don't really think this is going to last, do you?" with eyebrows raised skywards, and I thank her for that enormously, because I needed someone who knew me to remind me who I was. When coming to my senses, I remembered that remark.

Obviously I don't know what your friend's situation is and maybe she'd be better off with the man she's having an affair with, but I'm sure she is suffering from the strain of keeping it all secret and could really do with a non-judgmental opportunity to talk.

completelygobsmacked + musicposy + secunda prism are all offering good advice.

thanks everyone, all good advice

think I'll just remind her that if/when she is found out, that the lives of two children will be changed forever

Definitely worth talking to her in a supportive way. IT may help her figure out her life. When I was a teenager, I am ashamed to say that I was seduced by a married woman who, it turned out, wasn't having children with her husband and seemed to have an urge to "try it oit" elsewhere. Of course that it probably not the case her, but sometimes people's unhappiness can be deep....not that I am making excuses for her...but try not to judge her, but let her conscience sort things out in time.