Surviving a controlling relationship

[Squished]

How do you survive in a relationship with someone who is controlling? When leaving isn't an option, how do you avoid losing yourself? Or worse, becoming like them?

dont think you can! sorry

You can't you have to leave or it will consume you, that's it really, sorry.

Put them in their place. Tell them you will do/see/eat anything you want and won't be asking their permision.

I'm yet to follow my own advice.

In what ways is he controlling?

I found myself becomming like DP. I started to count money down to the last penny, insist on 100% fairness because he did - but I took a check of myself and decided I am NOT that person. HE is.

I'm scared I will get into another relationship years down the line and treat my new partner like current DP treats me. That's why we have to avoid losing ourselves.

you cannot survive it - it will destroy you,.

you have to leave.

leaving is always an option.

give your reasons for not having option to leave?

foresr...that sounds exhausting and is only sustainable for a short time before you drown!

cestlavielife, our eldest DC is ill. If/when treatment options run out in this country, we'll have to take her to America or somewhere else. H has international health insurance for the whole family through work. I can't risk losing that.

Forest, he's very stressed atm, we all are, but I've just recently begun to realise that he's always been like this. Nothing I do is good enough. No matter what jobs I get done during the day, he will always pick up on the one thing I didn't manage to get round to. He speaks to me like a child. He teases me about the bits of my body or personality that I feel least confident about. If I change my hair or put makeup on, he will pull faces or make little comments. We've just sold our old house and I have had to deal with almost everything because "it was my choice to buy that house and he hated it from the beginning". Just small things really, I'm not even sure if I'm over-reacting or imaging it. His heart is in the right place and he doesn't do it on purpose. He works very long hours and he still helps around the house.

leaving is always an option.

why would you lose the health insurance? she'd still be his daughter.

*imagining

but not living with him, I don't think she'd get it.

squished I was married to someone very similar andthe way I managed was to ignore the rants, wait til he had finished and then say ok then with a big smile andchange the subject. I took someone's advice and started saying sorry (even though I wasn't at all) and then pushing gently for what I wanted and that did work well, although probably not great for feminism. (it was a man who gave me the advice to always say sorry first!)

Also close yourself off to the insults - you know he is going to do it so just don't rise to it.

If you look at his motivation, is it to make you angry or upset or depressed? Just believe you are an amazing person and understand that he IS DOING IT DELIBERATELY. Don't rise to it by buying into it. If there is any way you can get out and meet more people who will boost your self esteem do it!
I hope that helps and wish you all the best

Get some specific advice on the healthcare policy and find out whether your DD will be covered if you leave this bullying knob. HOpefully she will be or there may be some way a court can order him to keep her on the policy or whatever.
Because a man who thinks you are his property and that it's acceptable for him to bully and mistreat you now will get worse, not better. ANd if he finds out that you are only staying because of the healthcare for the DD, he might start attaching 'conditions' to that.

Thank you BSU, I will try those tactics.

I'm not sure about his motivation. The thing is, I don't think he is doing it deliberately. This kind of behaviour is normal in his family, so I don't think he sees that anything is wrong.

SGB, I am trying to find out details on the insurance, but as he keeps most documents etc in his office, it's hard to know where to start.

Squished

There is always a way to leave and always a way to raise money for children who need treatment overseas, should it come to that.

Your DH is emotionally abusing you.

"The thing is, I don't think he is doing it deliberately. This kind of thing is normal in his family, so I don't think he sees that anything is wrong"

Maybe not but YOU do. I could go on and give many examples of how this might play out but the result will be the same.

He won't change if this is his 'norm'. You'll never feel loved and desired by him. It will comsume every last shred of the real you and eventually, you will just exist within his world.

Leave.

'consume'.

Court orders can't put conditions on insurance policies and if your Dh is being bloody minded it will be very difficult for the courts to ensure anything WRT a policy.

Sounds obvious so I'm sure you have tried this but have you told him how his insulting attitude makes you feel? It is awful to be treated that way, can you try to get him to understand that it makes you feel so bad that you wonder if you would be better off without him?

TBH they don't sound like small things and he perhaps has no idea how "big" they actually are. Attacking your appearance or personality is big and must be having an impact on your confidence. This stuff will erode the love you feel for him and you must find an assertive way of telling him that.

It might be worth reading Patricia Evans' book on verbal abuse, as she gives advice on how to live in the situation if you must. It's a bit like karate - you have to block every (verbal) blow that comes your way. Learn to say "That's not an appropriate way to speak to me" and/or leave the room when he starts.

Good luck. I hope your DD's health improves soon.

do you know the name of the health insurance company? if you do, then google the telephone number, call them, explain you want to ask a general question about coverage for the child should the parents split/marriage dissolve adn child not be living with the father.

she should still be covered.

in any case if you separate - until you actually divorced then lgeally you would still be married and probably still covered. but you can ring the company and find out.

will also depend what her condition is anyway, as to what they cover. but information is power -call them and find dout -even without policy number you cana sk gerneally - and/or find out specifically by giving name and address details.

controlling people will never see anyhting worng in what they do - unless they suddenly become very aware.

Blimey, he's not controlling, he's abusing!

Please find out what your health insurance options are, you may be pleasantly surprised!

Try not to engage, don't let him get to you, email your friends, vent on here, only that way will you manage to be reminded that this is not normal, nor acceptable.

It's how I cope. DH comments and treatment over me these past few years has eroded all feelings I have for him, I am just biding my time now. Not that long to go....

It gets to you though.
You try not to get into it, do your thing, but the little things get you.
Every time.

Thank you everyone.

cestlavielife, I will do that.

I suppose closing myself off to him and his comments, looks, sighs etc, is what I've been doing already. I just feel a bit numb really. At a time when I just need him to give me a cuddle, I end up avoiding being near him because to him all physical contact has to end with sex.

You have to leave. Today.