Very close to husband but no sex

[azzurra]

This is one of the questions I have never dared to discuss with my closest friends, maybe some of you may have had a similar situation and could give some advice/help me understand. I have been married to my husband for 15 years. We have had our ups and downs but overall we have been and still are close. I still think that my husband is fond of me but he has shown no sign of wanting any physical contact with me for a long time now. The few times we have, it is of my own initiative and it has always been very quick and felt as if there was no real participation on his side. I have tried to talk to him but I have met with embarassed silence. Waited hoping that things would change but they do not. He seems happy just to carry on as if we are very close friends sharing life together, supporting each other in difficult moments but nothing more. I would still like the closeness that love making gives and miss that but feel as if I am forcing this on him if he showns no signing of wanting it too. I know for a fact that he is not having an affair. Does it make any sense? Can anyone help?

I sympathise. Are there any medical reasons which may be affecting his sex drive or ability to have sex - e.g does he masturbate or just nothing at all?

Would he go to counselling _ there are specialist counsellors who deal with sex problems so might be able to suggest something. You also might find it heplful to have some counselling anyway.

Do you still have other physical contact? For instance, does he ever hold your hand, or put his arm around you on the sofa, or kiss you goodbye in the mornings?

Had a talk with DH few weeks ago. He explained that he has a "psycological bloc" that stops him getting intimate with me. He says he is aware that there is a problem. His suggestion was to get to bed together at night(it very rarely happens because he likes stay up and watch tv). Since our talk we have had sex once (this was 3 weeks ago!). Not sure what to believe. He still kisses me goodbye in the morning and when he comes back at night. We have lots of interests in common but ours is not a marriage but rather a close friendship, with the only difference that we have a child and share the same bed. Indifference really hurts. Granted that he admits there is a problem but what I see is that there ALWAYS seems to be something which is better than making love to me be it a late tv programme, newspapers, books. Three weeks on and he seems oblivous of what we talked about... what would you do?

Has this been a problem throughout your relationship or is it a recent thing? If it's changed then he might be more able/willing to get help. If he's always been like this it might just be the way he is. It's a myth that men are always up for it.

If it is a psychological block and he wants to change can you persuade him to talk to someone about it? I think Relate have specialist counsellors who can help with sexual problems like this. Things won't get better on their own unless he does something about it, even though you've had this conversation.

Obviously he has to be willing to go and it might just be that he doesn't see it as a 'problem' because he's happy with the status quo.

You need to be really honest with him - and yourself - how would you feel if the situation didn't change? Would you be happy to live like this 'til death do you part'? Would you consider looking elsewhere for intimacy and remaining in the relationship as it is? Or would you rather leave and have the option to find someone else who is better suited to you? Maybe you could talk to someone at Relate too to talk through your options.

I know from experience how soul destroying this situation is. Good luck!

Malinkey thanks for replying. The situation has been like this for a while and I think you have a point when you say that he is happy with the status quo. Sometimes I feel that we just want differnt things from our relationship and sex is not top of his priorities. The situation has been like this for a long time and I have gone through different phases from being angry about it to thinking that after all sex does not matter provided that a relationship is based on love and respect.

It is out of respect for him (I know that he gets genuinely embarassed when I question this) that I have never really pushed him too hard on this.

Most of the times I think that it's fine: we do not argue, we share a lot. Deepdown however is soul destroying: I know that it sounds silly but I would like him to fancy me. Sex initiated by me all the times leaves me always in doubt that it is all for my sake and that he would gladly do without it. Would I leave him? No, I do not think so. We have a great kid and he is a lovely dad and my maternal instinct overides everything else. What worries me is that the situation does bother me and that in the long run I will end up a bitter angry old soul....

I went through the same situation as you about 2 years ago, we don't have children but had been together about 9 years.

The situation had been like this for a while and I can relate to going through all the emotions as you describe. My partner was also supportive, great to go on holiday with, we never argued, had similar view points on life etc so it made me question how important the sex part was when i had everything else I wanted.

Whenever I tried to bring it up it was like the shutters came down and he would be very embarrassed and kind of sweaty.....

Just telling you all this because I think the situation was very similar to what you described.

What happened was I got to the point when I realised that I couldn't carry on without making love for the rest of my life. I had been trying to put it to one side but I just wasn't being honest about my needs, had been suppressing them just so as not to rock the boat.

Anyway, I gave him an ultimatum about going to sex therapy and much to my surprise he agreed. And it was excellent. We found the counsellor through relate and it was a fantastic experience and put everything back on track within about 6 months.

this is becoming a bit long so I'll stop now but please ask me any questions if there is anything you'd like to know.

i hope this helps a bit.......

"It is out of respect for him (I know that he gets genuinely embarassed when I question this) that I have never really pushed him too hard on this."

But what about your feelings?

"Deepdown however is soul destroying: I know that it sounds silly but I would like him to fancy me."

No, it doesn't sound silly at all. Sex is considered by many/most people to be a normal enjoyable part of a relationship. It can be very painful when your needs aren't met in this way.

"What worries me is that the situation does bother me and that in the long run I will end up a bitter angry old soul."

Please don't put up and shut up. Maybe (fingers crossed) you will get the same outcome as waspylady if you try the sex therapy route.

In my situation (though also complicated by some abusive behaviour) I decided enough was enough. I would rather be on my own than be so lonely with someone else.

Waspylady thanks for your message. It is very encouraging to read that there may be light at the end of the tunnel. There have been a number of reasons which have always stopped me from seeking any external help. I have always been reluctant to go the counseling route. I have been brought up in a very catholic family therefore: sex is not for women to enjoy it is just to procreate. Rationally I know that this is just rubbish but the message has been hammered deep inside me and in a way I still sometimes feel guilty or "dirty" for wanting sex. Waspylady did you ever found out why your partern could not talk openly to you about this? How are things for you now? Has your relationship become more open? It is a great help to be able to open up.

Malinkey, in my case I cannot say enough is enough I am still in love with him and there is my son as well. I just hope I can try counseling... next big step: try to talk about it before "the shutters come down"... wish me luck...good night

I am in a similar situation. My h does not like me to be overweight and this stops our, already rare, sex. I have lost the weight now but he still seems happy with once every month or so. It is frustrating (in every meaning of the word!) to feel unwanted, so I do sympathise. My h has a low libido anyway and it has been a huge problem in our lives.

You have my sympathies and my advice would be to MAKE him talk to you, no matter how shy he gets.

Good luck. I really hope you can get the outcome you want.

Hi Azzurra

I'm glad you found my story encouraging, I have to say I was extremely surprised that he agreed to go, I had been mentally preparing myself for the end of the relationship. I really didn't want to because I felt that apart from sex everything was fine, I loved him and felt that we were compatible in every way except this one.

We didn't really ever get to the bottom of why he felt so uncomfortable discussing it but he was bought up a Catholic and I think that there are some issues relating to his mother that he still won't discuss.

The sex counselling didn't just focus on the sex but also looked at different ways of communicating and understanding how we sometimes got into a cycle of rubbing each other up the wrong way or 'missing' each others communication signals. I think I hadn't realised sometimes when we weren't communicating as well as we could have and things were never bad between us but it helped to look at things again with fresh eyes.

On a practical note we were given 'homework' each week such as just been naked and looking at each other in the eyes, and then another time touching in a non sexual way etc so step by step we got to where we wanted to be. It felt a bit weird at first to approach things this way but it has worked for us.

I think that the whole process transformed our relationship and we now 2 years later we are still having regular sex.

I wouldn't say everything is perfect and he is still not keen on discussing sexual matters and I also think that there is stuff that he won't talk about or perhaps even acknowledge to himself.

Having said that we now communicate much better than we did on lots of different topics and I have the level of sex and sexual contact that I am happy with and that he is happy with too. I still think my sex drive is higher than his but we've found a way forward whereby we can both be happy.

I hope you manage to find a way to talk to him, I know how difficult it can be. Please let me know if I can help any more.

Oh..no it must be really difficult for you Have you tried make a surprise to him? like a diferent langerie?