I'm not allowed to leave the room now without permision

[Citrus81]

Past couple of days I've had ALOT on my mind. My 9 year old ran away, almost had to get the police involved (he's back now), I'm suffering from horrible stomach pains after eating, I'm trying to find voluntary work before I have to apply to uni (or it's pretty much guaranteed I won't get in) and my DS1 leaves primary school today, the one he's been at since he was 3

So I've maybe been a little distant. For the past week or so, DH has refused to hug me in bed (he used to every night) as he's "too hot" or "too tired". He's barely come anywhere near me. Didn't even ask yesterday how an interview had gone.

Last night I took DS1 to his leavers dinner at school (after DH whinged on and on about me going saying I'd hate it and shouldnt bother). We had a nice time. He and DS2 then went on to the disco so I came home. Sat in the living room for a bit and got completely ignored by DH who was pratting around on the laptop blanking me. So rather than make a fuss I went upstairs to play around on the PC in the bedroom. 5 minutes later he comes upstairs and says "what you doing? you abandoned me". I said "no, I'm bored". So he sat on the bed and I knew he'd stay there until I turned off the PC so I did. I then stood up to go back downstairs and he said "come for a cuddle" seriously not in the mood for hot/cold mind games so I said "I'm going downstairs, I'm waiting for a text message anyway and my phone is downstairs".

So I come downstairs, put telly on. 5 minutes later DH comes bursting into the living room saying "what the fuck is wrong with you? you're avoiding me, you left me upstairs on my own" to cut a long story short he had a right go at me about leaving the room. He then stomped around the house for 30 minutes until I went to pick the kids up from school. When I got back, he was sat playing on the laptop which he proceeded to do for the rest of the night.

This morning he had the cheek to tell me
I'M controlling and I have treat him like shit for the past few days.

WTF? I'm not going crazy am I? this is twattish behaviour, isn't it?

He sounds unhinged. Is he always like this?

It doesn't sound like either of you are being controlling, but that you're going through a difficult patch.

In my family, we do tend to congregate in one room unless there's a compelling reason not to (e.g., I've brought work home and he's watching a loud programme on telly), so getting up and going into a different part of the house without saying why, is unusual - and in the context of previous tension would be seen as a pointed move.

It sounds like you want to reach out to one another and don't know how.

You said you've been a bit distant for the last few days, and your husband's also been distant and you feel rejected.
So you sit in the lounge but he's completely ignoring you and blanking you - or is he just playing on the lappy and assuming you'll chat if you want?
You go upstairs, he follows - isn't that a result? You went upstairs because he was ignoring you, after all.
Then he offers a cuddle, which is what you've been wanting all week, but because you felt ignored before it seems like mind games. So you leave again and put him in the position of having to follow you.

From your point of view, he blanked you, then followed you and blew hot and cold. From his point of view, I suspect, you left the room for no reason, and when he followed and initiated a cuddle (after a few hard days) you refused and walked out of that room too. So there he is, trying to be nice, and you're up and leaving the room.

How come your 9 year old ran away, did they say?

love 1foot x

I'm sick of everything being on his terms though. I can have a hug when HE decides. He'll talk to me when HE decides.

He follows me upstairs because he's controlling. He follows me everywhere. He drives me insane. The only reason he offered a hug was because he wanted to control my next move. He wanted me to stay in the bedroom which to be fair, is the only room in the house he ever does show any affection

Is he controlling usually? What you've posted doesn't seem like it, but there's evidently a lot of backstory I'm missing.

I agree with tortoise. Sounds like you're both aggrieved (possibly justifiably) but don't know how to handle it. Talk to eachother. As in turn of the computers and talk properly.

Unless the second post is also right and we're missing something vital?

He's like it all the time. If I want to go to tesco he follows me (and if I ask him not to he accusses me of having an affair). If I use the PC whilst he's around I'm being "Ignorent" and avoiding him yet it's absolutely fine for HIM to sit there for hours on the laptop. He ignores me when I speak. Didn't even bother to ask how my interview went yesterday. Complains and whinges when I spend any time with friends, I'm not allowed on nights out because he "doesn't trust other men". If we go out to a resteraunt he sits there texting friends etc all night and leaves me sat there like a fucking idiot yet god forbid I get MY phone out. I have to go to bed at the same time as him, I'm not allowed to stay up later and if I go to bed early he'll follow me. FFS its even got to the point where I'm not allowed to get a bath on my own because I agreed to get a bath with him ONE NIGHT. Now we always have to do that. He even fucking whinges and goes off in a strop when I put skin moisturiser on myself because that's "his job".

Ahhh

Ok, then I take everything I said back earlier.

The man's a complete twat, who wants you as a nice meek possession who sits nicely at home and waits for him to bestow some attention on you. He controls whether you take a bath or put moisturiser on? That's really over the line of twattishness and into emotional abuse. He doesn't see you as an actual person, just a convenience for him.

I'm sorry I didn't understand that earlier. He sounds horrendous, and you can't live like this.

So what do you want to do? If it's that bad all the time then last night was just another example of that, no? In which case either it needs sorting or you need to give him the heave ho.

FWIW, my DH likes to spend time with me so we often do the shopping together. He has a very high pressure job so is often on the phone even during family days out. He is often caught up in work so I have to tell him how things have gone without being asked. He doesn't complain about time with friends but he does make it clear he'd rather spend the time with me (he doesn't go out very often either). He is always suspicious of other men (not in that I might do a little extra-marital, more that he's seen too many bad things - I quite like it that he cares about me). He likes it if we go to bed the same time (he's always hopeful because if we don't then we never get time for a cuddle and with the kids it's often the only time we get to debrief (in every way that can apply!). I don't see any of that as controlling, I see it as wanting to spend time with the woman he married.

But if it's a case of not being 'allowed' as in not 'I would prefer it if...' but 'you will not' then that is controlling, yes.

Again, I ask, what do you want?

Have you posted about him before? I recognisethe moisturiser bit. Unless thats fairly typical behaviour of twattish men and Ive just read it on here on someone elses story.

OMG- he has to put moisteriser on you? He's unhinged. Run like the wind! Mabe woman's aid? I could NOT live like this. He's way more than insecure.

Aren't you the poster with the other thread about you having installed spyware on your PC to find out the internet history he's been deleting?

This sounds like a seriously damaging relationship, on both sides tbh.

why are you with him?? why,why,why??

I think you both sound very unhappy but your further posts fill me with dread and I think you need to consider if you want to spent the next 40 years like this or whether you want to be happy.

Citrus, you've become so 'conditioned' to this lunatic's control you don't even see how insane it is! I mean, really really insane.

He FOLLOWS you to Tesco? You're not allowed a bath on your own? He won't let you apply your own skin cream?

Dear god, woman. Run. Run fast and far, before he decides you're not allowed to breathe without his say-so. I'm not joking!

SugarMousePink - get out of my head. That scene came to me too.

citrus

This is NOT normal, healthy or acceptable behaviour from your H.

He sounds very unhinged and actually, could turn out to be dangerous if you do something without his express permission.

Leave.

I also recognise bits of this odd behaviour.
HAve you posted before but name-changed?

Why did your son run away?

urgh sounds creepy to me!

Kerry - this isn't a 2-year-old, it's a grown man who literally won't let her have a moment to herself. Though it's OK for him to ignore her if he feels like it

Yes,I remember the moisturiser too, very odd. Guess you've posted about this before?

Why did your son run away? 9 is kind of young to start that sort of behaviour.