DH had affairs 20 years ago

[SaintJoan]

Been with DH for 28 years, had suspicions before, but now have evidence that he had at least one affair and probably several casual flings in the first 10 years of our relationship. No reason to suspect him now. Have 2 teenage kids, he's a good father and although not perfect we've had a good family life together. Do I confront him or do I let sleeping dogs lie?

Hi again.
My DH and I have been down this road before when he had a previous affair and, because I know a WONDERFUL counsellor and could highly recommend her, he went to see her, both with me and on his own then and again now. He would not have sought it on his own, as he did not know that such a service even existed. He now values it highly and, to be honest, it is a lifeline for him as well as me. He is now unpicking big issues from his past that may be the basis of his need for more than he gets from our relationship - not a comfortable journey! I vacillate between real hope for our future together and despair that we are too damaged. It feels like this time we are getting to the roots of the problem and not papering over the cracks as we did last time. Lots of posts on here say 'get out', 'you're worth more' or 'run for the hills' in circumstances like mine but you have to follow your own heart. Who knows what the future holds but I do know it is worth fighting for. It's just so hard being a grown-up!

Thanks LadyButterfly, I think your last post is really reasurring. Truth is I do love him, we have fun as a couple and as a family and there is a lot of good in the relationship and I don't want to throw that away and break my kids' hearts too. On the other hand I don't want to live with lies and deceit. So i think you're right I think i've got to fight for improving this relationship not walk away from it.

SaintJoan perhaps I am missing something here, but your further post says that in relation to the affair "he wouldn't give you details....and you reconciled" and later that, given your family background and dislike of secrets, you're the sort of person who "wants to know everything." But it seems you reconciled without being told anything much at all. That's the bargaining I'm referring to.

As you will see from my posts on here, I very much think that marriages can recover and get stronger after an affair, but only if the whole story is "out there" and the couple understand the meaning of the affair; why it happened and crucially, why it can never happen again. If this doesn't happen, it is very likely that another affair will happen, given an opportunity, because nothing has been learnt about fidelity.

The problem too for your H is that after a first infidelity, the taboo was perhaps broken and having never properly acknowledged the hurt caused by his infidelity, he never had to live with the consequences of that broken trust. So perhaps he just got more careful about later dalliances, bargaining that what you didn't know, couldn't hurt you and as long as this time these relationships were no threat to the marriage, he wasn't doing anything much wrong.

The reality however is that when someone's behaving that way, they aren't truly giving themselves to the primary relationship. There is a distance there and like I said upthread, secrets really have an amazing impact on intimacy.

I think what you and LadyButterfly are seeing is that if a first infidelity is not
dealt with properly, by the unfaithful partner or the person they've betrayed, it will usually happen again.

Please also understand if you feel my words upthread were too harsh, that the person who has done wrong here is your H. His behaviour started this cycle and has consequently short-changed you out of the marriage you could have had. But reconciling without dealing with the issues was also a choice you made and with hindsight, it was possibly the wrong thing to do.

You can't "un-know" this information now and so I really do think you should speak to him and ask for complete honesty now. I think you can get past it and build an even stronger marriage, but only if your H is willing to put in the work at analysing his own character and facing up to how he has hurt you over many years. The most uncomfortable truth he perhaps needs to acknowledge is that just because you didn't "know", he was still hurting you. In a myriad of subtle ways, when he wasn't "there", making an active and present contribution to the marriage. And the sad thing is, he short-changed himself in the process.

I think you're both going to need some help with this and would suggest some counselling, but choose carefully and pick someone who understands infidelity and the bargains people make.

There's no statute of limitations on the pain caused by deceit and betrayal.

Even if you do decide to raise the issue straight away, lots of people on here recommend this book, good for both you and your partner to read.

Relate do phone and on line counselling. You could use this to get perspective and help with how to broach the subject and to understand your desired outcomes.

If you do decide to raise it straight away, ask to him to stop all and any contact with other women immediately and not to break this rule or to risk the end of your marriage.

I profoundly agree Expat.

Just one more thing, OP. I always say too that it's a mistake to treat affairs in a vaccuum - they are always symptomatic of a bigger problem. The mistake many people (and too many counsellors) make is to believe they are a symptom of an unhappy marriage or worse still, because of some fault in the faithful partner.

It is most often the case that they are a symptom of character flaws in the unfaithful person. So the person who - and I quote you:

"believes in white lies, in not telling the whole truth in order to avoid confrontation or smooth things over."

is the most likely person to have an affair. This is the behaviour, along with a whole raft of other traits, such as selfishness and a sense of entitlement, that needs to change.

It is not enough to say "I'd never have an affair again" if other things about a person's character go un-challenged and remain the same. So in your case, your H would have to realise that lying is wrong, that an avoidance of confrontation is unhelpful and that there is a pay-off to stopping that behaviour. There may be other behaviours too - and in fact I'd be pretty certain that there are.

This is why this is an opportunity, for both of you. I'd imagine you have been putting up with all sorts of behaviour and attitudes that conflict with your own values - and this is a great opportunity to insist on change.

WhenwillI, thanks for your comments, some I think are very insightful (have you had direct experience of this?) and I agree with much of what you say.
MistyB, will check out the book, thanks.
As regards counselling my life is too hectic at the moment to slot that in (moving not just house, but countries, getting kids into schools, finding a house etc), but I will consider it once we're settled even if i do it alone.
This is the first time I've used forums like this to talk about problems and I can see how difficult it is to give a full picture of what's going on without giving my full life history (yawn, yawn).
Just realised that most people think the affair was the first and the other casual flings came afterwards. so I don't blame you if you imagine he felt he got away with the first one which gave him carte blanche to continue 'messing about' with a string of women.
Sorry if I've misled you, the fact is the casual flings (holiday romance, one night stand)came first over the space of about 5 years, then came the affair in which he did admit to a relationship.
So far i haven't gone looking for other evidence but after the affair I don't know of any other infidelities. Again, over the years (remember we're talking many years here) I've had the odd suspicion (which i've not acted on) but then who hasn't in a long-term relationship? It's only now that i've found these letters, realised he lied to me at the time that I'm thinking that he's probably capable of doing it again.
If it really did stop after that affair (rather than casual fling), then maybe he did learn his lesson? (we had our first child three years later)Or am I just kidding myself?
He's back home now and I haven't said a thing, although I feel quite distant from him. I've written a letter (not given it to him yet) trying to explain how i feel which maybe is a better way of expressing myself than risking a tearful rant. Don't know when i'm going to do this though - need time alone. next week we're on holiday with kids - maybe there would be time then , but on the other hand i don't want to ruin the family holiday. I know i've got to sort this out because in my head I'm questioning his behaviour all the time - eg he left his phone at home yesterday while he was out, when it beeped with a message I couldn't resist reading it just to see (it was from his mum!). When he's telling me about how his business meetings went I'm just thinking - yes, but what did you do in the evening? Yesterday he got a call from a female colleague and immediately I tried to eavsdrop - turns out she was confirming she'd picked up an IPad that he'd ordered - as a surprise present for me. We have to get some trust back in the relationship.

I agree this is an opportunity to examine and change our relationship.

I don't think the chronology matters a great deal saintjoan. The new information you supply illustrates further, how boundaries get crossed all the time with infidelity. So several undiscovered flings served to "normalise" infidelity, because there was no obvious hurt being caused and therefore no consequences.

You could be right that once your DCs came along, this seemed like a good time to grow up and perhaps he realised then the stakes were higher. What might make me dubious about reaching this conclusion is that since you didn't as a couple deal with the proper affair, he didn't have to properly examine his attitudes to infidelity and because you reconciled without enough information, he didn't equate infidelity with consequences.

Plus, as you say, we then moved into an era of mobile phones and E mails, where communication became more instant and disposable.

You will never know until you ask him. I understand why you are putting off doing this, because of the holiday and the house move, but I'd imagine that things are pretty strained between you and that would be showing.

At the moment, it seems your worst case scenario is that there have been repeated affairs over the entire period and that he only stayed with you because it was "easier".
The benefit to you confronting this situation is that the truth might be a lot more palatable - and in fact I suspect it is. Therefore I really think you need to know, because your worst-case scenario and all the speculating you and us are doing here, will drive you mad.

Imagine the holiday you might have if he is able to convince you that yes, he was serially unfaithful in the early years of your marriage, but that after his proper affair, he got some help and realised that this behaviour was wrong and that no-one really compared to you? That you were the person he wanted DCs with - and has been fully invested in the marriage ever since? I'd imagine that given what you now know, that's your best-case scenario?

I'd urge you to be brave and deal with this without delaying.

"Again, over the years (remember we're talking many years here) I've had the odd suspicion (which i've not acted on) but then who hasn't in a long-term relationship?"

Well, people whose partners haven't cheated, that's who. It's not inevitable that your partner will arouse suspicion, if they're faithful. I've been with mine 12 years, and he's never given me a breath of a hint that I should be suspicious - and this despite the fact that his job involved working away for long periods of time, in a setup where he could contact me and I had no way of contacting him.

Hi,
I have just read "After the Affair" by Julia Cole, which would appear to be a RELATE publication. It deals very briefly with serial infidelity. If my late night interpretation is correct, the general opinion expressed in this book is that serial cheats have commitment problems as a result of their childhood/babyhood experiences. The opinion as I understand it is that such people are unlikely to change, and that repeat infidelity, usually at intervals, is to be expected. The recommendation seemed to be, that as no change was likely, that separation was best, in order for the non-cheating partner to have the opportunity of experiencing a committed loving faithful relationship, elsewhere. At least the book appeared to be saying that the fault lay with the cheater and not with the marriage or the non-cheating partner. It did possibly suggest that maybe both partners had commitment issues. SaintJoan did your husband have closeness issues with his parents or either of them? Does any of this ring true for your relationship?

I doubt very much if your H will tell you anything about his infidelities that you do not already know. In my experience he will make out you are raking up the past to cause trouble. He will probably minimise and accuse you of spoiling the current situation.

What is the current thinking on serial infidelity which Julia Cole touches on as almost "addiction". Sadly she does not develop this. Is there any good advice on-line about serial infidelity almost addiction?

Good luck SaintJoan, and please keep posting.

Going on holiday tomorrow so will sort this mess out.

His present behaviour doesnt show any signs that he is cheating now and as i said i have absolutely no evidence that he has cheated since the acknowledged affair so I think i need to just bring this out in the open and see what he has to say before I decide he's a "serial cheat" who has proabably been cheating our entire marriage and will never change. (that is very pessimistic)

to be honest BaggyAgy none of what you say does ring true for our relationship and I really don't think i'm burying my head in the sand here. As an only child he is actually very close to both of his parents and especially his mum. perhaps i have given the wrong impression in trying to explain my problem but i haven't spent the last 28 years at my wits end with suspicion, and if he has been cheating all those years I'm not that stupid that i wouldn't have picked up on something concrete.

Anyway will let you know what happens when we come back