couple counselling ... so what happens then

[typicalbloke]

I am imagining that

• I will tell my side of the story
• she will explain her side of it

The counsellor will think for a moment, and tell us who is right and who is wrong, yes?

No, it's not like that.

Yes, you will both do talking, but it is up to you to decide who is right and who is wrong. In a perfect world, there would be no right and wrong, there would be realisations and compromises.
You are going there to find out if there is a way to communicate better. To express your needs better and to understand and deal with your partners needs.

Yes to points one and two (or vice versa) but no to the last point. The counsellor's role isn't to judge you. Their precise role depends on what you are looking to achieve via counselling (reconciliation, an amicable split, dispute management etc). Generally though it's about facilitating communication between the two of you so you can come to some sort of agreement or understanding on the way forward by yourselves.

Sorry, x post newnamethistime.

Not in my experience. They're not a judge or jury. They will listen. They will ask some questions to get you both to talk more. They might reflect somethings back to try and clarify your thinking and what's going on.

But I don't think anyone "wins", and it won't be the counsellor's intention to decide if either of you is right or wrong.

What are you hoping to achieve?

pavlovalover - well, I guess what I am hoping to achieve is to be told that I am right and she is wrong

will the counsellor at least say things like

• now that's a good point that typicalbloke made, Mrs T, you have to agree with that..

or

• are you listening carefully, Mrs T, becasue typicalbloke is making sense on this at least..

or

• no Mrs T, don't interrupt him for a moment

or

• fifteen-thirty

that sort of thing ?

when me and dh went, it was an area that we could talk with out arguing, our councellor would step in and move the conversation on if we were going rouind and round in circles and she would often point out things that neither of us had thought of.

but at no point did she say your right and your wrong or listen carefully. she just let us talk, shout and cry it out!

you need to go in with an open mind, willing to listen to your dp point of view (from your comments it seems you've decided not to do that) and only then will things be sorted

our councellor was lovley and we both really liked her and almost 1 year on, were still together, happier than we've ever been before and expecting our first baby.

I smell troll.

So do I, MW.
Although I hoped the same as the OP, ironically, when we went to Relate. XP was being an abusive controlling arse, and I hoped she'd point that out but she didn't. On the plus side, she did help me to work out I didn't want to be with him in 5 years time, when she asked me what I wanted to be doing then. Ho hum.

I am not really trolling - although neither am I completely serious.

I guess I do have a serious point to my qu.

if the counslellor never expresses an opinion, then how are either of you going to ever change your minds?

you listen to eachother and talk, its not about changing minds its about seeing it from the other persons perspective and understanding how they feel.

you may still feel your right, but you know where your dp is coming from

for example -

i gave up my career to follow my husbands job, i didnt know anyone in the area and felt really isolated, we were living in a house i hated that i couldnt decorate and i didnt know anyone in the area. i missed my family and friends back home. dh was working long hours, leaving early in the morning and returning late at night. i spent lots of time on my own and when dh got home wanted to talk as often i hadnt said anything all day.

dh was working hard to earn us money as i didnt have a job, he spent little time in the house and didnt see a problem with it, he was working long hours and studdying to pass his exams. he spent all day talking to people and telling them what to do and where to go. he had lived in the area for a long time and had lots of friends. he couldnt see the problem. at the weekends he spent time with his friends doing his hobbies.

this caused lots of problems for us dh couldnt see why i was so upset and i didnt understand why dh needed to spend so much 'down' time.

now as you can probably tell i still think i'm right and hes wrong as does he, but i can now see why he felt he needed to spend so much time doing his hobbies and why he didnt think he could include me.
the same as he now see why i hated the house so much and felt so isolated.

its not about right and wrong, its about communication

btw we did have more serious problems than that, thats just 1 that is easy to explain!

btw we did have more serious problems than that, thats just 1 that is easy to explain!