can only orgasm by wanking

[wnkngonly]

not a troll. regular.
Dh can not orgasm inside me.
After up to 20 min of actual shagging he needs to finish off by wanking preferably while I shove my breasts in his face.

This has been the way for years.

I am amazed we conceived two children a good many years ago.

I am not massively bothered but is this common?

We have talked about it but I dont want to bring too much attention to it - he just can t seem to let go inside me

It bugs me a bit in that I feel like a sex aid but really it s not a huge big deal.
I do wonder if this is unusual

It bugs you enough to ask about it so its not an ideal solution and as a bloke i can categorically state its not normal and is mildly unusual.

I mean, sometimes i can see that this may be the way to finish yourself off, or be finished off. Sounds to me like you need to try and persuade him into working out what it is that stops him going the full distance as its obviously not a physical thing and is a mental thing. I can understand why you'd feel like a, i dunno, bystander every time. How do you find it. Are there other bigger issues ?

Dan Savage has written about a similar situation.

It sounds like you're not bothered, is your DH?

This sounds like either withheld ejaculation or retarted ejaculation and is 99.9% likely to be pyschological!

See this link for loads of information.

This happened to us too. It got more and more difficult for him to come. We never talked about it because I thought it would make him even less confident. People have suggested that there could have been a medical reason for it, but like you I think it was a mental barrier to letting himself go - though it wasn't a problem in the first years of our marriage.

In our case it meant we had sex less and less - it was an effort for him, and I felt undesired - and it stopped altogether. I now think that he was never very sexual and after we'd been together for some time he was bored with me and just didn't really want sex with me.

Eventually he had an affair, which I think underlines the root of the problem being that he'd gone off me. I'd love to know if he could come with his mistress, but I never dared to ask. I didn't really want to hear the answer, because it might have been yes.

If you have the nerve, and think he won't be totally threatened by it, I suggest you get him to see a doctor and then ideally you both discuss it with a counsellor because it is a major issue and will damage your relationship.

Has he ever tried not wanking to finish for an extended period and just stopping having sex when you've had enough?
Surely after a few non-orgasms, he'll be ready to pop?

He's massively excacerbated the problem by conditioning himself to only orgasm one way, which is what sex therapists call the "death grip".

How about BJ's?
Could he get used to those as a half-way house, as it were?

A lot of men, especially as they get older, can't orgasm from oral alone, my DH can't, not unless I didn't touch him for a month anyway ( and I can deep throat him).

He should stop wanking like a monkey when your out the house, it has reduced the sensitivity in his old chap. Once he stops using his hands, the sensitivity comes back, this is a fact.
Don't forget, a bloke (certainly when younger) tries his best not to come early for fear of seeming inadequate, it might have become ingrained on his mind.

I know a couple just like this!
(She likes to share.)

They are young and lovely, and have just learned to live with it. (Although they have no plans to conceive yet.)

My DH couldn't ejaculate in my mouth when I met him. He had never with anyone. I spent a lot of man-hours on that little issue. (Or maybe that was his idea all along! He knew I'm always up for a challenge!)

Hehe.
I think I was had!

thank you all for the great advice.
Oneday, a felling like a bystander if a very good way of putting it

I think there was a thread from someone about this very subject in the TTC threads they were having trouble conceiving because of him not being able to orgasm with penetration. Might have some useful info on there?

Surely this is better than finishing early - and 20mins isn't a particularly long time shagging. At least he can get it up and you should make the most of it. Maybe just do it less frequently but for longer.

Try it on sat or sun morning after doing it the night before without him coming and see what happens. He should be more relaxed in the morning and will still be horny from night before. It can be much better if there's no rush and as a result he should be more relaxed. Just a thought anyway.