In relate and have both admitted to thinking of separation ... what comes next?

[scarlotti]

DH and I are going to relate. We'd had a few months worth, then a break of 2 months as things had seemed to be on the up.
During the break, things have changed a minute amount but not enough, and we're both still miserable.

In our first session back we both admitted that we have thought about separation during our break. About a month ago I suggested we have a trial separation but DH got so upset and promised all sorts of change that it didn't happen.

I can't see the wood for the trees anymore. I don't know if the tension and lack of feelings is down to resentment or whether we just have such different ideas about what constitutes a partnership and what can be expected from a partner.

I know that if we didn't have the dc's then we wouldn't be together.

Our counsellor is away next week so we go back the week after. She has said that she thinks she can help and is going to think about the situation over the next two weeks.

What is likely to happen now? Is it likely we will split? How do I work out what is for the best?
I do wonder whether an initial split would be beneficial in that it would allow us both to have some space and get some perspective on what we want and how we feel.
Or am I just deluding myself?

I am waiting for Relate to schedule me and my DH in for what will be our 3rd effort at counselling in 2 years.

We too have dc and I feel I would have left by now if it was not for them.

Sorry I cannot give you any answers, but I know how you are feeling and what it is like to not be able to see thewood for the trees.

Good luck, I hope it works out for the best.

Sorry I don't know your MN history - was there an OW?

I know what a difficult time you must be having, but can offer little by way of advice since I have had 2 months of counseling with my h, and have not yet come out the other side.

My h said in our last session that he thought if it were not for the dc's we wouldn't last 5 minutes.

I am not giving up on marriage and a united family without a fight though. I want to be able to say to myself and my kids I did everything I could to try to sort things out.

Maybe it's different for you, but I would find it hard to see a separation as temporary. It doesn't feel like a positive move to me. That's the beginning of the end surely? Much harder to come back from that.

At least under the same roof you can talk, and share kid activities.

No, no OW.

Good to hear I'm not alone, although that is also as you are both in the same boat.

I do feel as though I've given this so many chances. I have now pretty much lost my goodwill and am starting to feel as though I want to fight to be me and live the life I want.

I guess I am hoping that if we did have a temporary split then I could tell whether it was what I really wanted. I do 90% of the domsetic stuff and earn most of the dosh too so it wouldn't really be a huge wrench on a practical level. It would be nice not to be a nag and feel resentment all the time, and it would be lovely to have some time to myself when DH would have the dc's. As it is, I barely get 10 minutes alone in my own home.

Never easy these things are they?

I hope you both manage to get the outcome you want. Thanks for posting

You sound like you are in a very difficult position. Your DH is telling you what you need to hear and what you want to hear, but his actions are different. It is good that you are in counselling, your counsellor and the counselling experience will hopefully help you make a decision and be ok with that decision. However only you can decide what happens. Your counsellor cannot decide for you. People hold onto relationships which are damaging for many reasons. Know that any decision you make will have a costs and benefits. There is no easy fix. It sounds to me like you already know what you want to do, but you are afraid.

As long as you keep the dc's best interests to the forefront (and that includes them experiencing happy parents)your decision will benefit you all in the long run.

Dione, thanks for your post. Apologies for not replying last night - was late for me!

You've hit the nail on the head. He promises change and says all the right things but doesn't follow through. He has made minor changes but it's not enough and only comes from me nagging, which doesn't make me feel very good. He says that when he's promising to do things he really does mean it, and I believe that. He just then forgets.
I think that if something is that important to you, you don't forget so then my brain translates his lack of action into meaning this relationship doesn't have enough importance to him.
He never forgets things that matter to him, e.g. football

I think I am afraid at the effect it would have on the dc's - but I also do not want them growing up with an unhappy mum and thinking that relationships aren't about teamwork and partnership.

Thanks for your post, you've helped me think things a little more clearly.