How can I be nicer to DH?

[Kalikaroo]

Hi. Bit of background - DH and I have been married for 4 yrs, together for 8yrs and have a 1 yo DS. We live in a foreign country and have no relatives nearby.

Several years ago DH had a nervous breakdown from which he has never fully recovered. He's depressed and quite paranoid which can make him feel very isolated and unable to make friends. He tried to get medical help at the time of the breakdown, but it didn't help him and he is very suspicious of doctors etc (and any 'authorities' in general). This means that he now refuses to get any outside help, though he does acknowledge that he's depressed. He doesn't believe he is paranoid, which he blatantly is (thinks everyone in the world is against him and trying to hurt him). It's obvious to me that he has mental health problems.

Anyway, I've always tried to tolerate DH and his weird obsessions/behaviour (I even suspect that he may have some kind of autistic disorder or something like that, though he's ever been diagnosed). I have to work full time as the main breadwinner and DH stays at home and looks after DS. This is because DH is currently unemployable due to these mental health issues. He takes good care of DS, though won't take him out anywhere due to agrophobia.

However, since the birth of DS I have lost the plot with him completely.I am completely knackered (DS doesn't sleep well) and DH is driving me insane with his inability to actually act as a loving, interested, husband. His refusal to go to the doctor and get himself sorted out infuriates me because I really feel like I am carrying the family 100% . He very rarely wants to leave the house and if we do go out together he spends the whole time worrying that someone will be breaking into our house etc. We don't do anything together as a couple as he's "too busy" and got "so many things to do". As far as I can tell he's 'busy' typing up documents and gathering information to make a case against his treatment by the 'authorities' whoever they are. I think it's all in his head, but he really believes it.

Our relationship has been crap for quite a long time now, though things have definitely got worse since the birth of DS. We have made love twice since the birth of DS, both times initiated by me. I'm not sure that I love him any more. I want my old DH back, who was relatively 'normal'!!!!

I know it's not his fault having to deal with his mental health problems, but the thought of this going on forever makes me cry with frustration . I have no energy to even try to be nice to him any more - in fact I'm a complete bitch to him sometimes purely through my frustration at the situation.

Please give me some perspective or ways that I can try to be more understanding towards him! I still love the 'old' him, but can't stand this stranger he's turned into.

Sorry for the long rant - just needed to get it off my chest as I haven't told anyone in RL about the situation.

TIA x

tbh, I wonder why you want to be nice to him? Surely this is just enabling him to continue as he is - not looking for or getting help for his problems?

he sounds very ill and being 'nice' to him will not help him. You cannot diagnose and treat him, all you can do is live with his behavior or not live with his behavior. There comes a point where you may have to put ytour own sanity first, callous as it may seem to someone so used to caring.

Tough love called for here, I am afraid

While you continue to carry the family 100% and worrying how to be nicer to him, you are enabling him to delay seeking help

His illness is making him a nightmare to live with, and I cannot see how you will get any resolution whilst you all maintain the status quo

You may have to leave him, sadly

I feel for you. Living with someone who is mentally ill is an exhausting merry go round (my dad was ill for a large part of my childhood)You need to someone to talk to properly. I think this website has some advice www.mentalhealthcare.org.uk/

are you able to come back home at all, so that he and you can get help?

WHere are your families, specifically his? ARe you in a foreign country for your work - can you change this?

Your DH needs help. You need to help him get that help and that isn't going to happen by you being nicer to him. Agree with others that tough love is the way forward - take him to the GP and go in with him - explain to the GP what effect your DH's ill health is having on you and stay there until you get a referral to a psych professional. Accept nothing less. By now chances are you're depressed as hell too, purely from living with this situation (which would be dire even without a little one to add into the mix).

Really sorry to about your situation. Definity get DH some medical help. Medication may help him and restore some sort of normality to your family life.

Have you seen the film "a beautiful mind"? Your situation sounds very much like this.

Could you go on your own to the GP and ask their advice? Maybe organise a home visit? Your DH clearly needs help and so do you as you cannot sustain this difficult situation. My DH had a nervous breakdown when DD was 9 months old after he was injured in an accident. It's incredibly hard for you. My DH is well again now but we have since relocated to be closer to family. Good luck and look after yourself.

I cannot add much, but I read this this morning and have been thinking about you today. Hope you can manage to persuade DH to get the help he sounds like he needs for you to have a happy family life.

Thanks everyone for your advice - it's been very helpful for me to write it all down and to get unbiased outside views .

I know that I really need to use "tough love", but I'm having a struggle to find the energy at the moment as I'm very tired and maybe a bit depressed too.

I have threatened several time to leave/to chuck him out, but to be honest I don't think that would work in a practical way because we're living on 1 salary and he can't afford to rent a flat on his own. Also, I do love him deep down and the thought of him struggling on his own and feeling completely abandoned is heart-breaking and it might tip him over the edge.

We're living abroad at the moment because of my job so we'll have to stay put for the moment. His family wouldn't be much help anyway as they're not close.

I have seen the film "A Beautiful Mind" and have actually said to DH that he reminds me of that guy!! Also DH is very clever and had a promising academic career before his breakdown.

It makes me really sad to see the shadow of the man he used to be .

I think I will make an appointment with a doctor and go myself to discuss the situation and see whether they can help me get some help for him, though getting to accept the help is going to be hard. It's got to be done though.