Really stupid question Alert:- How do you think things through?

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

So, H has broken my trust (again) and lied to me (again). I've asked for a few days to think things through and make a decision about what it is I want, but I keep going round in circles.

Any tips please? Should I write things down? Brainstorm them? List the pros and cons?

I am too indecisive, I like to see how things play out, but that is not working and I need to make a decision whether to try again or throw in the towel. I now know that this needs to be my decision, I've sought advice (all of it good) but the responsibility for this choice lies with me now, and I'm tangled.

Please help.

I think you should try every option until you find one that works for you.

How would you feel if he made the decision you feel you need? Would you feel cheated or relieved? A bit like if you ask someone if you should move and they say no - your gut feeling will tell you if you agree with them or not.

covent if he made the choice, even if it was the right one for me, I would feel sad that even that had been taken away from me - even if I was too cowardly to make it myself. And that's just daft.

When a friend said yesterday that I knew what I had to do (meaning leave him), I didn't feel so sure that that was what I wanted. But at the same time when I ask myself if I can ever trust him again, the answer is no. And would I live with someone I can't trust, also no.

But that's not what I want to hear. And it's not strictly true, because potentially he could rebuild the trust and honesty over time.

(and this is where I get stuck in my circle)

What about a trial separation?

I know what it is to love someone you can't trust so understand a little bit.

We're already living apart. He was about to move back in

Oh dear.

Does he want to move back in and try and get back to normal but you don't?

We both want it to work. He desperately wants to move back in (but is being pretty good about not putting too much pressure on me, it was my decision to ask him to leave). We both love each other very much. But there are ongoing problems.

In the past couple of months he has been making a big bid to rebuild my trust in him. He then reveals that during that time he has lied to me regularly about something, and has broken a promise.

I think that means he's broken every promise he's ever made to me, bar the fidelity one.

I don't know your backstory but I asked myself if I like my life better with or without him in it and asked myself why, which led me to think about the good bits and bad bits, which bits I thought we could work/build on and how much leeway I was prepared to give if he wasn't able to meet all my needs.

That's where we're at now. I've told him what I need from him, and he's realised what he needs for himself and it's now up to him to show he means what he says by his actions.

Meanwhile I'm working on my own issues with the help of some books recommended on here and I'm looking for a therapist for myself but at some point in the future we'll have some couple counselling too, but not yet.

akhems, that's a good way of looking at it. That might work... I'll give it a go. Thank you.

No worries, hope it helps. I had no idea how to 'think things through' either and drove myself nuts going round in circles, and the conversations we were having were much the same, round and round and back to the same thing over and over.

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one . I felt a tad stupid admitting it. But better that than be stuck I. The circle.

Any more tips are welcome too. I have a lot of thought to be thunked.

Also, there's nothing wrong with giving things another try.. if it doesn't work then you can change your mind again and you can be happy in the knowledge that you gave it a go.

Nothng has to be carved in stone.

For now, write down the thoughts that invade your mind. By doing this you are clearing your mind and getting it all down so you can actually see it, rather than it go round and round in your head. This will stop you going round in circles and enable you to bring some structure to your thoughts.

When a way of solving a problem doesn't work, we try the same way but harder. Change the way you are trying to solve this problem.

thanks karmann. I'll do that now.

I know this will sound terribly clinical, and many will probably object to the idea but how about doing a risk analysis?

There are several ways of doing this, but as a basic one write down the possible actions you talk of on seperate sheets.

Then think, as dispassionately as possible, of all the risks you can imagine associated with each action and write them down. Score the risks according to severity (if they happened), 1-10 - and then score them according to probability of them happening, again, 1-10. Multiply the 2 numbers together for each risk and then rank them.

You can now compare the risks for your alternate actions, and consider (at least for some elements) which action poses fewer risks - or at least ones with less overall impact.

Ooh now, Aledsdad that idea definitely appeals to the analyser in me I think it would probably highlight which risks strike the most fear in me too.

Karmann, I've written some thoughts out and my head does feel a lot... cleaner I suppose.

I'll now try the risk analysis.

Hey crunch, so sorry to see you're at that point again
I'll be interested to hear which of the tips help as am stuck in the same circle here too .. again..

When we had our relate break here 2 months ago, things seemed to be on the mend .. but that lasted no time at all and then things got bad again. I got in a tizz as I felt like maybe I'd missed the boat decision wise if that makes sense .. a good friend pointed out that I can always make the final decision, and there's no rush. It helped me realise that I don't have to think things through to a conclusion if I'm not quite ready.

Maybe you could give yourself that little bit of space too?

This sounds a bit random but it works for me as I find it difficult to be objective when I'm feeling emotional and indecisive...

Try writing down what's happened from the beginning (your past threads may help with this!) with one key difference... write it in the third person (eg she instead of I) and give yourself a different name to your own (best mate's name can be quite effective). Then read it back... I find that as I'm reading it back things become clearer and I get an idea of how I want the story to end, or at least what I want to happen next. It just seems easier to detach and be objective when I'm reading about "someone else".

(I hope that doesn't make me sound totally bonkers...)

Sand, not crazy at all, it sounds like a good way of looking at what's happened without getting bogged down in your own feelings. Thank you

Scarlotti, I'm sorry to hear you're still caught up too. It's true that you can change your mind at any time. Do you feel maybe you've had enough now?

I think the tip that got me past my block was to write down the thoughts I was stuck on. The risk analysis was great for working out what it is I'm actually frightened of, how frightened I am, and how likely it is to happen. Seeing it there in black and white made me have to look at it clearly.

Afteer that I just listed what I want, followed by what he would have to do to meet that.

So I then had a list of what I can't tolerate and what I need.

At that point I called him and invited him to come round for a chat, I told him I want to try one last time, with a lot more distance and certain conditions that if they are broken will mean the end of us (all built around trust, since that's our major issue).

He's agreed to do whatever needs doing, now we'll see if he does.

Thanks for all the tips. If anyone does have more then please add them because I'm sure they'll come in handy at some point.

I really wish I could help you. You helped me under another name by just caring and I wish I could give that kindness back.

I think you are brave to give your marriage a chance. Some people would just walk away as they don't want to put the work in for whatever reason.

DH and I have had periods where we thought our marriage was over but we still loved each other just as much and that was half the battle.

Good luck.

Oh covent, I'm really touched. I'm so glad I was able to help. This place has offered me such support over the years. I hope you're ok now. You have helped, just by answering me

thank you for starting this thread Crunch... I've picked up some useful tips too

Akhems, no problem, it was completely selfless

I'm definitely going to keep using these tips.

Crunch, so glad to hear the tips have helped you gain more clarity. I hope you get the result you want out of all this.

As for me, I suspect that I've reached the end of the road for now. Whether that would change given some time apart I don't know, but there have been a few major things happen where there has been no support at all and I just can't live like that.

Anyway, enough about me and hijacking your thread!! Hope you're feeling a little brighter today.

scarlotti, you never hijack anything

Feeling better, but the long road ahead is looking longer by the minute.

I know what you mean about the lack of support. I hope you find some peace out of all of this. Stalk me anytime